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Fireworks on the Fourth Are Best Enjoyed From a Distance
DEAR ABBY: Each year on the Fourth of July, thousands of adults and children are seriously injured by fireworks. Many burns and injuries affect eyesight, permanently damaging, and in some cases, blinding the victims. Because of this, the American Optometric Association has joined the Millennium Fireworks Safety Partners, a coalition of 35 national organizations, in urging people to avoid private fireworks and instead enjoy professional displays.
According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), an estimated 20 percent to 25 percent of firework injuries are to the eyes. In a special study of fireworks-related injuries covering the period June 23 to July 23, 1999, CPSC reports that there were 6,300 emergency room-treated injuries, most involving fireworks, rockets and sparklers. Forty percent of the victims were under 15 years of age, and about 75 percent were males.
Sparklers are the second most frequent cause of fireworks injuries that result in trips to the emergency room. In addition to potential burns, a sparkler can literally "poke someone's eye out."
Please be careful this Fourth of July. Protect your precious eyesight by avoiding fireworks at home. Enjoy professional displays from a safe distance. -- HARVEY P. HANLEN, PRESIDENT, AMERICAN OPTOMETRIC ASSOCIATION
DEAR DR. HANLEN: The statistics you quoted are alarming, and thank you for the warning.
The loss of a finger, an eye or a life would turn a happy holiday into a tragedy. Readers, please celebrate the Fourth of July safely by attending professional fireworks displays and forgo setting off your own.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 29-year-old daughter who is married and has two small children.
When she turned 17, she went to Israel and slowly became Orthodox Jewish. She married a guy just like her. My husband and I are Jewish but not religious; however, I accepted her new way of life even though we continue to live our own way of life.
My problem is my husband. He says that she went against his wishes, and she should have considered his opinion. He expects me to minimize my visits, saying we are married and should "work as a team."
Abby, religious or not religious, my grandchildren are my life. I will never stop seeing them or loving them. I think my husband needs to hear other people's views. Would you care to comment? -- JANE IN NEW YORK
DEAR JANE: Your letter is unusual. Although I have received mail from parents deploring the fact that their children are living together without marriage and having children out of wedlock, I receive very few from parents who complain that their children are too religious.
Your daughter is an adult, and as such she has a right to worship as she wishes. While your husband feels she should have consulted him about her choice of husband and lifestyle, the decision was hers to make. It appears that your daughter doesn't respect his opinion. After reading your description of his narrow-minded, controlling nature and unilateral way of dealing with those near and dear, I don't blame her.
You have your head on straight. Keep the lines of communication open.
Decision Not to Wear Bra Is More Function Than Fashion
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the teen-age girl who is being called a lesbian because she finds wearing a bra uncomfortable -- at age 66 I have grown weary of people whose only exercise is jumping to conclusions!
I do not wear a bra because the straps hurt my pacemaker site. (My "alien implant.")
I wear clothing with double chest pockets, or T-shirts with wonderful, happy designs so my braless state is not obvious. At my age, if I did wear a bra it would be a 34-long! -- GLENNA MAHON, CONCORD, VA.
DEAR GLENNA: I agree; there may be mitigating circumstances for going braless. Your letter reminds me of this old joke: "When is a brassiere like the Salvation Army?" Answer: "When it uplifts the downfallen."
DEAR ABBY: A close friend died unexpectedly. It was a shock to all of us who loved her. Attending the funeral helped me to say goodbye and eased the grief. The service was so beautiful that I commented later to my husband how I wished I could have videotaped it in order to remember the wonderful closure it gave me. He said he, too, would have liked a videotape, but that people would have thought it "tacky" if we showed up with a video camera.
My husband is 66 and I am 31. We know the odds are that he will die before me, and would like this question answered before that happens. Abby, is it awful to want a record of saying goodbye to a dearly loved human being in this manner? -- GRIEVING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GRIEVING: Some churches provide audiotapes of funerals. If the family would like a video of the eulogy portion of the service, to record the tributes for later viewing or to share with those who could not attend, I see nothing wrong with it. However, some attendees might prefer that their grief not be recorded for posterity, and their wishes should be respected.
If the family makes the arrangements, I'm all for it. But for someone to simply show up with a video camera would be intrusive and insensitive.
P.S. Since none of us has a contract with God, there is a chance that you could predecease your husband. How would you feel about your funeral being videotaped?
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to Jim Isbell's letter about his experience with the Vietnamese man who was working in a restaurant on Mother's Day. Vietnam DOES have a Mother's Day. It takes place on the 15th day of July on the Vietnamese calendar, and is called Vu Lan.
On Vu Lan day we go to the temple and pray for our mothers to live long lives. If our mother is still alive, we wear a red rose. When people wear a white rose, it means their mother has died but they are at the temple to remember her.
Most Vietnamese Buddhist temples have a tradition of wearing roses on Vu Lan day. If you go to a temple on this day without wearing a rose, people in the temple will ask you about your mother and will pin a red or white rose on you. -- D.N.K., ROSEMEAD, CALIF.
DEAR D.N.K.: What a lovely tradition. I'm struck by the fact that we have a similar one in our culture. A red carnation is worn on Mother's Day to signify that one's mother is living; a white carnation signifies that one's mother is deceased.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman's Death Consumes Her Friend Who Didn't Say Enough
DEAR ABBY: In October of 1998, my best friend died of cancer. She was only 27, and had a long, hard, three-year battle with the disease that eventually made it impossible for her to talk and left her in constant pain until the day she died. She fought hard. She wanted to live for the sake of her two children.
She was the friend I had searched for all my life. We shared everything.
As she was nearing the end, she would ask me, "Am I dying?" And I would reply that she was not. For reasons I will never understand, her mother, husband and physician had decided it was better not to tell her she was going to die soon. The cancer had spread to her liver, and she was well aware that she would die in the absence of a miracle. There was so much she could have done to prepare, and she could have said goodbye to her children.
I am still consumed with guilt for having concealed the truth from my friend. I am nervous all the time and have trouble concentrating and sleeping. I keep repeating in my mind all of the feelings I could have shared with my friend.
I try to occupy my mind -- I work, read, write a journal of the thoughts I would have liked to share with her and try to enjoy life. But the depression overwhelms me. I am not sure if I need therapy or medication so I can stop feeling so anxious and can sleep through the night.
I feel embarrassed and weak for being unable to handle this on my own. You are my last hope. Please help me. -- GRIEVING IN L.A.
DEAR GRIEVING: Please don't blame yourself for having not told your friend that she was dying. Although I do not agree with their thinking, you did as her family dictated you must. Your friend was an adult, and, in my opinion, entitled to an honest answer so that she could spend her short and precious time as she wished, made her peace and provided letters for her children. I suspect some families prefer to avoid disclosing a terminal diagnosis because they are unable to come to terms with their own feelings and fears about it.
Short-term medication, under a doctor's supervision, may be helpful. Call your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychotherapist who can help you work through your unresolved guilt and grief. A grief support group could be helpful. To locate one, ask your doctor or clergyperson, or inquire at the nearest hospital.
DEAR ABBY: On Sunday, April 30, my wife called me into the living room to read me a letter from your column. As she read it aloud, I could not hold back the tears. It was the letter from Peter Tran about that day being Memorial Day for the end of the Vietnam War.
I was deeply touched by Mr. Tran's words of gratitude as I reflected back to the year I spent in Vietnam. While I was there, I had witnessed underlying hatred for our being there and ruining the beautiful terrain that existed before the war. It was as though we were fighting a war of no purpose. I am sure other vets felt the same way.
I want to thank Mr. Tran for opening a door that had been tightly closed for many years. It has given me some sense of closure to the many questions I have had about our presence in Vietnam. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer feel guilty for having been there. I now feel that it was worth the effort. -- DAVID MICHENER, PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR DAVID: I'm pleased that the letter brought you closure.
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