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Wife Ready to Call It Quits After 14 Years of Misery
DEAR ABBY: I've been married 14 years to "Joe," a man I don't particularly care for. We've had a rocky marriage from the start, and the longer we are together, the less I like him.
We have two children, ages 12 and 15. Joe ignores them and says he can't wait for them to grow up and leave. He claims to love me, but you'd never know it from his actions. He never considers my opinion or feelings -- and I can't stand him touching me. I prefer it when Joe isn't home.
He doesn't want a divorce, but I do. My 15-year-old daughter (by a previous marriage) doesn't care whether I stay with him or not, but our son would be devastated. Even though he and his dad don't do anything together, he says he loves him.
I know that divorce isn't supposed to happen in God's eyes (and I've already been divorced once), but I am miserable and would rather be single than struggling as I have for the past 14 years. I'm getting older -- and nowhere.
Do I sound confused? -- TIRED IN FLORIDA
DEAR TIRED: You aren't confused at all. You've had it with this poor excuse for a man. Offer him the option of marriage counseling, and if he hasn't shown improvement in six months, talk to a divorce lawyer.
Just because you are divorced doesn't mean your son can't see his dad often. And if he doesn't, the fault belongs to Joe.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't agree more with "Sorry Now in South Carolina," who wrote about her "harmless little flirtation." (There is no such thing.)
A couple of years ago, I began flirting with a "sweet young thing" who worked in the same office building. She was full of personality, charm and good looks. Her welcome responses made me feel attractive.
Flirtation led to visits to my office "just to talk," which led to my calling her at home because we had become "such good friends." This, in turn, led to discussions about making love and an invitation to move in with her if I so desired.
There were absolutely no problems between my wife and me that caused me to behave like this. It was just the IDEA of the thing -- I thought I was "special" to that young woman, and it made me feel good.
When my ego had been boosted as high as it could go, I learned that I wasn't so special after all. It seems this young woman regularly had affairs with married men. I was just another challenge to conquer. She didn't care that she was wrecking someone's marriage, and she had no special feelings for me.
I used to be impressed when someone flirted with me. Now I ignore it and go on my way. I have finally realized that it's dishonest and insincere -- a fool's game. Thank God I wised up before it was too late. -- CLOSE CALL IN VIRGINIA
DEAR CLOSE CALL: You were lucky. Had your flirtation gone further, your wife would have been devastated and your marriage would have been trashed. I have a stack of letters from women whose hearts were broken because of extramarital affairs that began with a "harmless flirtation." Perhaps yours will make some of the office Romeos think twice.
Woman's Interest in Teen Spells Trouble to His Mom
DEAR ABBY: What do you get when you mix a 23-year-old woman with a 16-year-old boy? Trouble, as far as I'm concerned!
For the past couple of months, my 16-year-old son, Eric, has been involved with a 23-year-old woman I'll call "Lois." Eric is only a sophomore in high school, and he should be dating girls his own age. He is a sweet, outgoing young man and is very popular with the girls.
I'm not surprised that he is flattered by the attention of an older woman, and I'm sure he acts very mature when he is around her, but my son is very much an adolescent at heart.
Lois comes to our house late at night when she thinks we are asleep, or she stops by when he gets home from school and his father and I are still at work. I don't think it has turned into a sexual relationship yet, but I know it is not purely platonic in nature.
I'm trying very hard to discourage this relationship, but Eric tells me they share the same hopes for the future, and he really likes being with her. Gag me! Lois has been a friend of the family for a long time, but she is no longer welcome in our home. However, that hasn't kept her away.
Abby, why would a 23-year-old woman be interested in a 16-year-old boy? Please advise me. -- FURIOUS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FURIOUS: Lois could be socially or emotionally immature, which might explain her attraction to your son. But she has had time to gain far more worldly experience than he has, so regardless of how much he thinks they have in common, this could hardly be described as a relationship of equals.
Your next move should be a telephone call to your attorney about the advisability of a restraining order. Perhaps Lois' ardor could be cooled by explaining to her that, depending upon the circumstances, she could be subject to civil and criminal penalties if she continues to pursue your son.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Ray," is an only child with exceptional talents. He is a 22-year-old college senior, an accounting major, and has already been offered a job upon graduation.
Ray recently completed a motorcycle safety course and would like to purchase one. My husband feels Ray is old enough to make his own decisions. Although I know he is a very responsible person and could handle it, I am absolutely against it. I even told him that if he bought a motorcycle, he would have to move out.
I love my son and don't want to deprive him of anything, but I'd worry about him every time he left the house.
Is there a magical age when a parent no longer should influence her child, or do you just never stop being a parent? -- WORRIED MOM
DEAR WORRIED: Parenthood lasts as long as the parent lasts, and sometimes it seems like an eternity! You and your husband will always be Ray's parents, and you will always be concerned about his safety and welfare.
Withdraw the ultimatum, because he will probably be moving out on his own after he starts earning his own money anyway.
Ray has taken motorcycle safety classes, and I'm sure you've shared your wisdom and common sense with him since he was a boy. The time has come to trust that you've done a good job. Cross everything that you have two of, and pray that your son will be one of the thousands of motorcycle enthusiasts who ride safely.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Scoreboard Count of Gun Deaths Might Capture Public Attention
DEAR ABBY: The letters from "Grieving Grandmother" and Anne Coakley were tragic reminders of the problem of guns in our nation. Unfortunately, such episodes get little attention from the media except on a local newscast or in the back pages of the local paper. They aren't "news." It happens all too often. It takes a school massacre to get the national notice the situation deserves.
Perhaps what needs to be done is to have a running "scoreboard" set up in New York's Times Square: a continuing count of the gun deaths in the entire nation since the start of every year. The count could even be categorized by accidental deaths and murders. Running messages could give the particulars of the latest death as to date, location and the victim's age.
I realize this is a macabre suggestion. However, some drastic measure is needed to engage the public's full awareness of the magnitude of our problem. I also realize that it would require a great deal of money to rent the sign and acquire the necessary information. However, perhaps some organization or philanthropist would be interested. -- CONCERNED OCTOGENARIAN, ST. ALBANS, W.VA.
DEAR CONCERNED: Your suggestion is no more macabre than the billboards that advertise the number of deaths per year from smoking. Frankly, I think billboards addressing serious issues are a public service.
To embellish on your idea just a little -- the gun-death scoreboard could be designed to look like a game in a shooting gallery. Every time the death toll increases, a bell could "ding!" and a duck could disappear from the screen. It's really not so far-fetched -- as it stands today, almost all of us are sitting ducks. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You've printed several letters lately about gun safety. Let me tell you about a near-fatal gun accident that happened in 1944 aboard the submarine USS Cato.
The gunner's mate first class brought a 20 mm submachine gun into the crew's mess and proceeded to use one of the tables to disassemble, clean and oil the weapon.
Although he was an experienced weapons handler, he forgot the first safety regulation: "Inspect your weapon and be certain it is EMPTY."
When he carelessly pulled the trigger, the weapon fired. The bullet ricocheted off the bulkheads and over the heads of eight or nine of us shipmates. Miraculously, it missed all of us and providently wound up in the left upper arm of the gunner's mate!
During the gunner's mate's court-martial, the executive officer remarked, "So, you shot yourself. It serves you right! I hope you learned something."
He was reduced to third class, and at the end of that patrol was transferred off the ship in disgrace. The gunner's mate "learned something," all right -- he learned that his shipmates could be cruel in their sarcasm for weeks after.
I learned something from that incident, too. I am now 80, and in all these years I have never owned or kept a gun in my house. -- LOWELL K. ALLEN, RCMS (SS) U.S. NAVY (RET.) DEAR LOWELL: You and your shipmates had a close call. It brings home the point that expertise with weapons doesn't guarantee they are always handled safely. Gun enthusiasts often write to say, "Guns don't kill people; people kill people." However, people are human, and human beings have accidents. It's human nature.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)