Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother's Rule on Lifejacket Prevents Father's Fate for Son
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Careful Mom in Washington," whose father-in-law thought she was crazy because she refused to take her young son on an old boat without an infant lifejacket.
On a lovely day in June 1986, my husband, who couldn't swim but refused to wear a lifejacket, took our 3-year-old son, "Ronnie," fishing in the new "unsinkable" boat I had bought to protect them. My rule from day one for Ronnie was "no lifejacket, no water."
While they were fishing, my husband somehow fell out of the boat. Ronnie went into the water to look for his father. He couldn't find him. Ronnie floated aimlessly for an hour before a wonderful teen-age boy spotted him and rowed to his rescue.
Had I not insisted that my son wear a lifejacket, I would have tragically lost both my husband and Ronnie.
My husband was an adult who had a right to make his own choices in life. However, those choices ended his life far too soon.
Our son could not make his own choices. As a parent, I made them for him. Fortunately, I made the right ones to protect him.
I hope "Careful Mom" shows this letter to her father-in-law, and I hope she'll stick to her rules even if it means being ridiculed. -- ANOTHER CAREFUL MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR ANOTHER CAREFUL MOM: Please accept my sympathy for the untimely death of your husband, and please also accept my congratulations for your strength in insisting that your son be protected.
Now that Ronnie is 17, you might suggest some counseling if he feels responsible for his father's death or has "survivor guilt." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is to "Careful Mom in Washington." You were not out of line by refusing to let your 13-month-old son go on your father-in-law's boat without an infant lifejacket. I commend you for your decision!
Inform your father-in-law that the state of Washington has a law that requires lifejackets for children up to 11 or 12; and a federal law requires a device of the "appropriate size" for each person on board (including Coast Guard-approved lifejackets that fit children).
It's critical that parents try a lifejacket in a pool to be sure it fits the child properly.
My advice to your father-in-law is either to take a Coast Guard-approved boating safety course, or sell the boat and take up knitting! -- RONNIE ON THE RIVER
DEAR RONNIE: Many readers felt compelled to write in support of the mother's decision. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have just finished reading the letter from the woman whose father-in-law is giving her the cold shoulder because she refused to take her infant on his rickety old boat after he had a couple of beers -- and without an infant lifejacket!
I once worked in a maritime law firm. One of my jobs was typing notes into computer files. About 80 percent of the boating accidents were alcohol-related. More than half resulted in deaths, paralysis, brain damage, lost limbs, etc.
Let that father-in-law stew. He was wrong, and she was right to put her own and her child's safety first. -- SAFE ON PUGET SOUND
DEAR SAFE: If your letter doesn't convince people to wear lifejackets, and to refrain from mixing alcohol with boating, nothing will. Please, readers, have a safe and sane summer on our nation's waterways.
New Stepfather Gets an Eyeful From Daughter Home on Break
DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful 20-year-old daughter. She's currently home from college for a break. She spends a great deal of time in our back yard sunning by the pool and swimming. This is fine, but my concern is that she's doing it in the nude.
Now I am far from a prude, Abby, and do most of my own sunning and swimming in the nude as well. My concern is that I am recently remarried, and my daughter doesn't bother to cover up when my new husband is home. She seems just as comfortable nude in front of him as she is in front of me. This seems odd, because this is only the third or fourth time my daughter has met him.
I am further conflicted because my husband obviously enjoys looking at my daughter while she's naked. She has a great body. My husband has been constantly aroused, and this has been leading to some of the best sex I have ever had. When I thought we were falling into a rut, all of a sudden we're making love twice a day. I love it!
My daughter is home for one more week. I'm not sure whether to say anything to her or not. I'm certainly enjoying the side benefit of her exhibitionism. Should I just enjoy this week knowing that she'll be back at summer school soon? -- CONFUSED BUT ENJOYING
DEAR CONFUSED: Speak up now. By allowing this to continue, you are playing with dynamite. While your daughter has probably learned the habit of swimming and sunbathing in the nude from you, the fact that she is doing this in front of your new husband -- whom she has only recently met -- is extremely inappropriate.
Consider the future. What if your daughter decides to spend other vacations with you? You won't be able to let your husband out of your sight. And if he surprises you, and turns out to be capable of making love three times a day, it could mean the end of your marriage.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I brought his mom to live with us two years ago. She's almost 88 and could no longer take care of herself. This has totally changed our life. She had been living in another state where her other son is. He comes up to see her every month or so -- that's all he does for her.
She went to stay at his home last summer for one week so we could get away. We want to go away again this summer and would like for him to take her. He and his wife are giving us excuse after excuse why they can't. We are upset and feel this is unfair.
Abby, they should work it out. We do everything for Mom and brought her back to better health. What do you suggest we do? -- UPSET IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR UPSET: I agree that taking Mom for one week in the summer so that you and your husband can have a week of respite should not be too much to ask. However, since your brother-in-law and his wife have made it plain that they are not prepared to do so, your only other option is to find someone who's willing to come in and be a companion for Mom while you're away.
Consider contacting the National Federation of Interfaith Volunteer Caregivers. Founded in 1987, through a grant from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, NFIVC helps organize human compassion into caring acts of service for anyone who is chronically ill, frail or alone.
The address is: 1 W. Armour Blvd., Suite 202, Kansas City, MO 64111. The phone number is: (816) 931-5442, and the Web site is: www.nfivc.org.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Mom Now Wishes She Had Listened to Her Parents
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading Roseann Hermann's letter about the importance of parents teaching their teen-agers everything they need to know about birth control so they can make informed choices.
I am the 17-year-old mother of a 4-month-old daughter. I did not listen to my mother and father. They are wonderful parents. They stressed to me the importance of finishing high school, going to college, saving money, getting married and having children. They would tell me this every day. I would give anything to go back and listen to my parents.
But now that my daughter is here, she is the most beautiful thing in my life. I never knew I could love something so tiny so much. I'm getting my GED, working, and taking care of her. I raise her -- my parents don't. Things are on hold, but I will go to college.
Why does everyone blame parents, Abby? Mine talked to me, but I disobeyed. My point is: Parents talk; teens don't listen. -- KIMBERLY IN RIVERVIEW, FLA.
DEAR KIMBERLY: I'm printing your letter with the hope that other teens will read it and heed what you, a contemporary, have to say. I commend you for juggling your GED studies, working, and facing all of the challenges of young motherhood.
The fact that you credit your parents with trying their best to communicate their hopes for your future -- even though you admit you refused to listen -- tells me how much maturity and insight you have gained. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the recent letters in your column about the importance of teaching sex education to children before they become teen-agers.
I am 13 years old. My parents told me everything I need to know about sex. If I want birth control, I can go to them.
Abby, I think you would be one terrible, awful parent not to talk to your children and assure them that you will be there for them no matter what. Children who are not taught by their parents -- whom they trust the most -- are more likely to get a sexually transmitted disease or become pregnant at an earlier age, if only to get back at their overprotective parents. Trust me, I know because I have talked to my friends -- and we do talk about this sort of thing. -- CONCERNED IN RENO
DEAR CONCERNED: It's heartwarming to read how much credit you give your parents for providing all of the important information necessary to prepare you for future sexual relationships. Although you are a mature young lady at 13, I hope that you are years away from having a physical relationship.
Now that you have the information you need, I trust you will take your parents up on their offer to go to them with any questions or concerns that may arise. Knowing you can talk freely with your mom and dad will give you a definite advantage in making sound choices.
DEAR ABBY: My father died recently. Am I still a "Jr." or am I required to drop it? -- WONDERING IN WICHITA
DEAR WONDERING: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your father.
Amy Vanderbilt says that upon the death of the "senior," the "junior" usually drops the "Jr." -- unless both he and his late father were well-known and to drop it would cause confusion. However, if you so desire, there is nothing illegal or improper about retaining the "Jr."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)