For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Is Caught Hiding Behind His Wife's Opinion
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jake," and I have been married eight years. We get along perfectly, except for his family. They have conned and cheated us out of thousands of dollars and spread vicious rumors about me.
At one point, the tension and hostility were unbearable, and Jake and I separated. After four months, we realized that we were meant to be together, so we reconciled. We both gave up successful careers and moved 400 miles away from his family. We have been happy here for three years. Aside from yearly holiday get-togethers, we don't see his family -- which is great!
About two weeks ago (just when I thought everything was going well), we were walking along the road and found an adorable dog giving birth to puppies. She was dirty, hungry and dehydrated, but she and the puppies survived under our care. After trying to find the owner, we realized that the dog was probably abandoned.
Well, Jake mentioned the pups to his cousin "Cindy" (a woman who has spread rumors about me), and to our horror, Cindy announced she was coming the following weekend to "pick up the cutest pup in the litter." We never offered a puppy to her, and had mutually decided to keep all the dogs so we wouldn't break up the little family.
When Jake returned Cindy's call, I heard him tell her that I wanted to keep all the dogs and was not giving any of them away.
I feel betrayed and hurt. This made me wonder if the reason his family has always disliked me is that Jake plays the "good guy" and blames decisions his family doesn't like on me.
Abby, I am shocked. Why did he sell me out and make me the "evil" wife? -- FEELING HURT IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR FEELING HURT: Jake doesn't want to make waves in his already turbulent family. He learned early to be a "people pleaser" -- and now you're paying the price.
You would both benefit from marriage counseling. It would give you the opportunity to express your hurt and frustration, and it could help your husband gain the confidence to finally express what HE wants, even to his family.
DEAR ABBY: My son is engaged to be married. I live several states away from his fiancee and her family. I was informed by the girl's mother that there will be a bridal shower in her state to which I will be invited. She also told me a shower should be given here for the groom's family and friends to honor the bride, and that she and the bride would attend.
No one here has offered to give the bride a shower. Abby, is it proper for the bride's mother to tell me to arrange a shower for the bride, and to invite family and friends who probably won't be able to attend the wedding? Should I be offended or simply confused? -- GROOM'S MOM ON THE FAR COAST
DEAR GROOM'S MOM: The groom's family is not required to host a shower, and there is no obligation for your friends or more distant family to do so. If someone volunteers to host a shower, it would be a nice gesture. However, since no one should be invited to a shower who cannot attend the wedding, it might turn out to be a very small affair.
Best Gift for Teachers Is Appreciation of Students
DEAR ABBY: Get out the wet noodle for your answer to "A Parent in Oregon." As a public school teacher, I'd be insulted if I received a package of construction paper or pencils as an end-of-the-year gift.
The No. 1 thing teachers would like is respect. This can be demonstrated with a kind note (and a copy to the principal). A gift certificate to a bookstore or restaurant is also a wonderful way to show that a teacher is appreciated. The appropriateness of the gift, of course, will depend on the situation of the family, the school and the teacher -- but a gift from the heart of a child is always special. -- MARILYN FUNDERBURK, ARLINGTON, TEXAS
DEAR MARILYN: I was unprepared for the flood of mail I received from teachers, informing me that my suggestions were off base. A male teacher recently wrote to say he would welcome stock certificates and T-bills. In years past I have received letters from teachers who requested the items I mentioned. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Having spent 32 years in the classroom, 30 of them in inner-city schools, what would be wonderful would be gift certificates to a moderately priced take-out restaurant for the times I'm too swamped to prepare meals (or to celebrate making it to the end of another year!). Also, movie tickets to use during the summer -- or even a gift certificate to a "dollar store" for those incidentals that a teacher can never afford for his or her classroom or home. But please, no school supplies at the end of the year. That's like giving a nurse a thermometer or tongue depressors. -- RETIRED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR ABBY: Give the lasting gift of books. For teachers who don't have their own classroom (i.e. P.E. teachers), a book can be donated to the entire school and placed in the school library. Our budgets never allow us to buy all the books our students need. -- THIRD-GRADE TEACHER IN DENVER
DEAR ABBY: Teachers have enough cups, mugs, candles and candies. Our class is contributing to a group gift to send our wonderful teachers for a spa treatment. When everyone chips in, it's affordable. We know it's something they would never do for themselves. We can't wait to present it. -- LOTS OF IDEAS IN SEATTLE
DEAR ABBY: I recommend giving the teacher cash. I know of no good teacher who is overpaid. Cash for the underpaid is much better than spa visits, gift certificates, supplies or the usual gifts that teachers receive. None of my son's teachers has ever refused the cash or returned my gifts. -- PARENT IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR ABBY: We live in a small community. In its wisdom, our school board ruled: "In fairness to all families, NO child shall give gifts to any of his or her teachers." This was a blessed relief to those of us who couldn't keep up with the Joneses. -- AVID READER, WINTER HAVEN, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I retired last year after 35 years of teaching. The one thing my students gave me that meant more than anything else: a note expressing appreciation for whatever I had done to help them during that year. Those cards and letters are more precious to me as time goes by. Rereading them, I recall sweet faces, special things about those kids, and the wonderful times we had together. They are priceless. -- KAY FRIEDRICH, ATHENS, GA.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Screening for Prostate Cancer Will Help Dads Stay Healthy
DEAR ABBY: You suggested that we all give our mothers a mammogram for Mother's Day. May I also suggest that we give our fathers a prostate cancer screening for Father's Day?
Prostate cancer is the second-leading cancer cause of death among American males, the first being lung cancer. A man's chance of getting prostate cancer exceeds a woman's chance of getting breast cancer. According to the American Cancer Society, a woman's chance of developing invasive breast cancer from birth to death is 12.56 percent, while a man's chance of developing invasive prostate cancer is 15.91 percent. In both diseases, early detection is the key to survival.
Abby, this information must be given to all men and the women who love them. -- MAYNARD BERKOWITZ, MINDEN, NEV.
DEAR MAYNARD: You're right; men should be screened for cancer, too. According to the American Cancer Society (ACS), in this year alone 180,400 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer. May I add that, in addition to prostate cancer, males should be encouraged also to be checked for breast cancer. Although they may not realize it, they, too, are at risk for breast cancer.
The ACS has designated June as Prostate Cancer Awareness month. So, sons, daughters and wives, in addition to the cologne, neckties and fishing gear you've given for Father's Day, consider a post-Father's Day gift of chipping in on Dad's cancer screenings. It could be the gift of a lifetime.
For more information contact the ACS at (800) 227-2345, or visit the Web site at www.cancer.org. The Web site offers a free program called Man to Man, where specially trained prostate cancer survivors offer support to newly diagnosed patients. It also has an interactive section where people who have questions about prostate cancer can e-mail oncology nurses who provide answers and referrals.
DEAR ABBY: My 64-year-old sister, who lives with my 87-year-old mother in Mom's house (and is partly subsidized by Mom), is verbally abusive and disrespectful to her. If Dad were still alive, she would not dare to act this way.
Recently my sister had the gall to say to Mom, "I'll probably die before you do -- and all of the money will go to my sister!" In other words, she's telling our mother to give her money now or hurry up and die. (My sister's health is OK.)
They won't listen to me, but they both read your column. Could you please publish your opinion? With thanks from ... SIBLING OF A SERPENT-TONGUED SISTER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SISTER: You didn't mention how your sister and your mother normally get along, or whether your mother is usually able to give as good as she gets. However, from my perspective your sister made a very hostile remark. If your mother is considering parting with money, perhaps it should be spent for some counseling sessions for her live-in daughter. It would be better than spending it to hire a food taster.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)