Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
College Student Living at Home Can't Escape Smothering Mom
DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old college freshman living at home. I can't afford to move out, but my mother is driving me crazy!
If I didn't resist, she would take my hand and lead me through the rest of my life. She still tries to pick all of my friends and make every single decision for me. Worst of all, she comes looking for me to see if I'm where I'm supposed to be, and who I am talking to.
Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. I don't know how I would have made it this far without her. But how can I get through to her that I want to be my own person, and it's time to "let me go"? -- HAD IT WITH MOM
DEAR HAD IT: Your mother loves you, but she is carrying it too far. Show her one of my favorite poems from "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran. It has helped more than a few overly protective parents "let go."
ON CHILDREN
"Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love, but not your thoughts. For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
"You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite and he bends you to his might that his arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable."
DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered something strange about my fiance. "Tim" is 18 years old and lives with his parents. Yesterday, in order to show his mother something he had purchased, he walked in on her while she was taking a bath. I was shocked!
I don't understand why he couldn't have waited for her to finish her bath and get dressed. He says it is "no big deal," and it's "not a problem" for his mother. Apparently this is acceptable in their home.
In my family, once we reached a certain age, private things became private, and taking a bath was one of them!
Tim has a 16-year-old sister. It makes me wonder what he does in front of her -- and she in front of him.
I feel very strange knowing that they can walk in on each other in the bathroom. I am certainly not jealous of his mother, but isn't this unusual?
Does everyone just do whatever they want in front of their family members -- even private things? -- MORE MODEST IN MISSOURI
DEAR MORE MODEST: Apparently in Tim's home nobody locks the bathroom door. In some cultures, families bathe together -- parents and children -- in the same "tub."
Before you marry, make it clear to Tim how you feel about family modesty -- or purchase a bolt for your bathroom door.
Companion Pets Are Some People's Surviving 'Family'
DEAR ABBY: "Disgusted in Indiana" was outraged because listing a pet in an obituary "elevates animals to the level of human beings"? What a mistaken idea.
Animals don't tell the "bad things" they remember about their friends. Animals don't push to be first in line for the reading of the will. In fact, all this man's animals will do is to honestly mourn their loss without regard for material gain.
I agree with "Disgusted" that not "everybody" be listed in the obituary. I say, name the dogs and omit those high and mighty "elevated" human beings. -- DISGUSTED WITH PEOPLE IN L.A.
DEAR DISGUSTED WITH PEOPLE: You're entitled to your opinion, but I'm not for excluding any soul who mourns for the deceased. That letter brought phenomenal response. I'm only sorry that space limitations prevent me from printing more of them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 79, an only child, as was my husband. We were childless. Our pets were our "family." In my husband's obituary, I listed myself as wife of 58 years, and his three furry companions as survivors. A friend once described our pets as "furry people." I agree. They don't lie, cheat, drink or abuse; they only provide love and companionship. -- LILLIAN STAFFORD, FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps "Disgusted" is blessed with a loving family. How wonderful! However, my husband's children are rude, obnoxious and selfish. We hear from them only when they want something.
Our pets, on the other hand, are loving, affectionate, and always glad to see us. I hope their names are in my obituary, and his children's are not! -- GEORGIA ANIMAL LOVER
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the reader who thought it was sacrilegious to list the names of the deceased's pets in the obituary -- let's blow his mind. In Las Vegas, there is a pet cemetery where human remains can be buried right next to their pets who have gone on ahead. I know, because I have a friend who took that route. -- MARION PAYNE, LAS VEGAS
DEAR ABBY: I know the family "Disgusted" wrote about. The man died suddenly and unexpectedly. He and his wife had no children; instead they bred champion dogs. The dogs were an important part of their lives.
I'm sure the obituary was a great comfort to family and friends, and I applaud the afternoon newspaper that chose to run it, especially after the morning paper had declined.
There are many definitions of "family" other than what appears in Webster's Dictionary. I see no reason why "man's best friend" should not be included. -- TEXAS CAT LOVER
DEAR ABBY: "Disgusted" would have had a heart attack if she had attended a wedding I did in Pasadena, Calif., years ago. The daughter of a well-to-do family was being married in an elaborate church ceremony. When the minister asked, "Who gives this woman in marriage?" the bride's father answered in a rather loud voice, "Rex and I do." "Rex" was the family dog who had been considered a part of the family for more than 10 years.
The father had joked about saying it -- but no one was sure he actually would. Well, he did, and there were many smiles in the congregation -- including the bride's and groom's. -- AMUSED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR AMUSED: I'm surprised the guests didn't howl with laughter. (I couldn't resist.)
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Stepfather's Past Incest May Be Forgiven but Not Forgotten
DEAR ABBY: My mother is married for the second time. They were married when I was 14. A year later, she discovered he'd had an incestuous relationship with both of his daughters from the age of 5 until the oldest went to college and the second girl was 14 or 15. The relationship with the second daughter ended six months before he married my mom. Mother forgave him, and we all went to counseling.
I'm 29 now, with a 7-year-old daughter. We see them only on holidays. My mother doesn't understand why my daughter can't go to their home without me or my husband. My daughter is asking why she doesn't get to see Grandma or spend the night when Grandma asks. Should I tell her why? Is she old enough to understand? My mother has threatened to take me to court for "grandparent rights." What do I do? -- SUSAN IN LUBBOCK, TEXAS
DEAR SUSAN: Your daughter is old enough to be told the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, and she should report to you any behavior that makes her "uncomfortable."
Under no circumstances should your little girl spend time at your mother's house without supervision. If your mother threatens to take you to court for "grandparent rights" again, tell her that you will discuss her husband's history of incestuous behavior with the judge. That should be the end of it.
DEAR ABBY: In March, my son was involved in a serious auto accident. "Ruth," my best friend for almost 30 years, went to visit him at my father's house. Dad later told me that while she was there, she badmouthed me, my husband and our other children. She also talked about our finances.
I feel so betrayed by Ruth that I'm not sure I'll ever want anything to do with her again. Abby, Ruth and I had been friends since high school. We shared our most intimate secrets over the years. I would never have discussed her personal business with my family, and I'm hurt that she disclosed mine.
She was the only person other than my husband that I trusted with my innermost feelings. Should I write her off or should I confront her? -- BETRAYED IN INDIANA
DEAR BETRAYED: I hope your son has recovered from his automobile accident.
Before writing off such a long friendship, talk to Ruth and give her a chance to explain. If her reasons for revealing the secrets make sense, give her another chance. However, should you discover a malicious streak in your old friend, say farewell to her.
DEAR ABBY: My 67-year-old husband has taken up with a 45-year-old married woman. We live in a small town, and of course everybody knows about it.
As I see it, I have two options. The first is to maintain the status quo and pretend all is well for the benefit of friends, family, children and grandchildren.
The second option is to sue him for divorce and clean his clock. I have all the evidence I need -- credit card receipts, motel records and eyewitnesses. Perhaps he won't be so darn "charming" without his money.
I could also sue her for "assault on a marriage," which I saw on TV the other evening.
Can you think of any other options? -- TRYING TO DECIDE
DEAR TRYING: Offer your philandering husband the option of healing the marriage. If he refuses to end the affair and join you in marriage counseling, consult a lawyer about your other options.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)