To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Pro-Choice Grandma" has caused me to write my very first letter to you.
I, too, am a grandma, though only 60 years old. When my children were small, we discovered they suffered from brittle bone disease that caused their bones to break easily.
Our younger son was 5 when the first broken leg occurred. During that year, he broke his leg three times in less than nine months. To date, he has broken his legs a total of 22 times. He also broke his back and neck in an accident and is a paraplegic now.
Our older son has broken his legs six times. As soon as my boys were diagnosed with this condition, I promised myself I would not bring another child into this world to suffer as they have.
Abortions were not legal or acceptable in the early '60s, nor was permanent sterilization available for women in our area. We did everything we knew to prevent another pregnancy, but I knew in my heart that if indeed I did get pregnant again, I would not carry the baby to term. The good Lord blessed us by not forcing us to make that decision, but the fact that I might have had to have an abortion has enabled me to be more understanding of others who make the decision to end an unplanned pregnancy.
My younger son once told me that he would not have been able to forgive us for bringing him into this world, knowing he would suffer like he has. However, since we knew nothing of this condition until he was 5, he could not hold us responsible. He has chosen not to pass this condition on to his children. He has since married a lovely girl with two precious daughters who are now his children and our grandchildren. We are also blessed with two wonderful godchildren.
I join with those who are pro-choice, and agree that only the individual knows how much she can handle, and the decision should be hers to make. -- BLESSED GRANDMA IN KANSAS CITY, MO.
DEAR GRANDMA: Your letter proves once again that there are many circumstances that make it imperative that individuals be allowed to make a choice for themselves. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I want to join "Pro-Choice Grandma." Where is it written that the only "choice" pregnant women will make is abortion? Choice means just that -- the woman has a right to decide for herself, her body and her pregnancy. She might just as easily choose to have her baby, have it adopted or keep it herself.
The way I see it, I can be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time. I would make a CHOICE to keep my baby. My niece chose adoption when she was pregnant after a date rape. I might have counseled her (had she asked me) to have her baby, but if she had chosen abortion, I believe that would have been her affair.
Each person's pain or joy is her own. There's no reason why another person should claim the right to decide how things should be for another. The right to "choose" for one's self is an individual right. -- GRANNY IN LONG BEACH
DEAR GRANNY: Absolutely. And it is a right that women had to wage a vigorous and protracted battle to win. However, it is also a right that, if taken for granted, will surely be lost -- and no one should forget that fact.
Sadness Over Teen's Suicide Is Knowing That Help Was There
DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from my godson's funeral. He committed suicide -- at age 18. He had been captain of both the football and basketball teams in high school, had lettered in a third sport and had graduated with honors. He was doing well as a college freshman, but to solve a temporary problem, he chose a solution that was final.
Abby, he was much loved, and the church was filled to overflowing with friends and family. The pastor was blunt. He said he was feeling anger, betrayal and sadness that a fine young man was gone. We lost a friend, a son, a brother. My godson didn't mean to hurt his family and friends, but he was unable to see past the dark hole of his own pain.
At the service, the pastor asked for a show of hands from people who would not mind a call in the night from a depressed friend who needed to talk. Every hand was raised without hesitation. Any of us would have helped my godson had he only called.
Depression, probably brought on by a chemical imbalance in the brain, is treatable. He could have been helped.
Among your many readers there are bound to be some who are seriously depressed and at suicide's door. Please -- whoever you are -- if you think suicide is the solution, you are wrong. Someone cares and can help you. Please reach out.
Life is a gift not to be wasted. Allow someone to help you so you can find the joy in life. -- SHARON LEWANDOWSKI, HASTINGS, MINN.
DEAR SHARON: Please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the tragic death of your godson. You are right -- depression often is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be corrected with treatment. People who are depressed have only to reach out. If they cannot confide in family or friends, they should call a crisis hotline to find support and direction to treatment. Someone is waiting to help.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a beautiful 1-year-old daughter and are very happy with our life. My problem? For many personal reasons, we have decided that our daughter is the only child we wish to have. When friends and co-workers ask me when we are having another child and I tell them we probably won't, the responses are incredibly rude -- from "You HAVE to have another child," to "It's mean, cruel, unfair, etc. to have only one child."
I am almost offended because this is an important life choice we have made, and these people are telling us we are wrong. I wouldn't think of telling them they have too many kids or they married a loser, etc., which are also life choices.
What I need is a polite, short response to this question so these people know that my personal life choices aren't up for judgment. How can I do this without being rude? -- INCENSED IN WYOMING
DEAR INCENSED: Try to keep uppermost in your mind that these well-meaning but insensitive individuals are just making conversation. The fact that asking when someone is going to enlarge his or her family is a potential minefield is lost to them.
The next time someone asks you when you're having another child, politely reply, "Our factory is closed." And if the person ventures an opinion about it, say, "Let's change the subject," or "Thank you for the input -- but we're happy with the decision we made."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teens With Good Information Make Smart Choices About Sex
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to comment on a letter you reprinted from a mother who taught her 13-year-old daughter about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and the various forms of birth control. As a result, perhaps she helped her daughter prevent an unwanted pregnancy or disease. Your response was that "every daughter should have a mother like you!"
I couldn't agree more. I work in the Children's Court in Los Angeles and often deal with the consequences when children, those who are underage and those who may have attained majority but are still immature, have children.
However, I wish you had added that "every son should have a mother like you." When a child is conceived, it has both a mother and a father. When diseases are transmitted, it takes two to accomplish the transmission. Parents of all children should do exactly what "North Dakota Mom" did: Educate their children so that they can make informed choices. -- ROSEANN HERMAN, ATTORNEY-AT-LAW, LOS ANGELES
DEAR ROSEANN: I agree with you that it's vital to educate young people so they can make informed choices. However, not all parents agree with us. I'm sorry to say that I received mail from parents who felt that explaining to the girl about contraception was tantamount to condoning premarital sex. I couldn't disagree more with that philosophy, which I fear is a recipe for disaster. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter in your column about the mother who talked to her 13-year-old daughter about sex. I, too, talked to my daughter, Lucy, about sex -- and she listened. I did not want her to place herself in danger of getting a sexually transmitted disease, or of having a baby she was too young and too poor to care for.
My daughter was in special education all through elementary and high school. Some of our relatives would call her "slow" behind her back, but she listened to me when I talked to her about bad choices when it came to sex.
My daughter is now 29 years old and does not have any children as yet. Out of our family -- myself, my sister and two adult nieces -- Lucy, "the slow one," is the only one who graduated from high school without having a baby. She is the only one who did not have to rely on food stamps or AFDC for a child she couldn't afford. I tell her she is a treasure for any man, even though some of our relatives have had the gall to say to her that if she doesn't "use it, she will lose it."
When I became pregnant at 16, I was very ignorant about sexual matters. My mother expected my sister and me to learn what we needed to know from friends. When it was time for me to be examined by a doctor for prenatal treatment, I had no idea I would have to remove my underwear. I can still hear the nurse snapping at me that I was wasting the doctor's time because I hadn't already done so.
My two children suffered because I couldn't get a well-paying job with only a high school diploma and no child support. Parents need to talk to their children about sex and not assume that someone else will do it. Don't leave them in the dark. Not only do their lives depend on it, so does a newborn child's. Neither my son nor my daughter has had children out of wedlock or is dependent on government handouts. -- SHERRY IN GLENDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR SHERRY: If your letter doesn't convince parents that it's wise to give their children early and thorough sex education, nothing will.
You may have gotten an early start at motherhood, but you are a caring and conscientious parent.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)