For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Perfect for Mother's Day: The Gift of Good Health
DEAR ABBY: Another holiday is approaching, and the same old question is echoing across the country: What to buy for Mother's Day? The "usual" gifts, such as flowers, Sunday brunch and a card, are nice. Yet these gifts are common. Let me suggest another option: the gift of a healthier life.
Breast cancer is the second-leading cause of cancer death in women in the United States. What most people don't realize is the risk of getting breast cancer increases with age. By age 40, chances are 1 in 217; by age 80, chances are 1 in 10. Research shows that older women do not recognize that the greatest risk factor for breast cancer is advancing age -- greater than family history. These are scary facts.
The good news is that if detected early, breast cancer mortality can be reduced by 20 percent to 40 percent for women age 50 and older. This means that even if your mother or grandmother gets breast cancer and the cancer is detected early, she is likely to survive it.
Here's the gift idea: Help your mother or grandmother get a mammogram! Medicare covers annual mammograms for women who are enrolled. All that is owed by the patient is the 20 percent co-payment. That's where you come in. Put an "IOU" in her Mother's Day card, or even take her to the doctor's office or local mammography center and pay the balance -- usually between $15 and $25. The message you'll be giving to your mothers and grandmothers is that you love them, and want them to stay healthy in their golden years -- and having an annual mammogram is a good way to accomplish this.
For more information, your readers can call 1-800-MEDICARE (1-800-633-4227). -- NANCY-ANN DEPARLE, HEALTH CARE FINANCING ADMINISTRATION
DEAR NANCY-ANN: I agree that an annual mammogram is a wise precaution. I'm sure some readers will find your suggestion intriguing, and I'm also sure your letter will create some healthy discussion on a subject that needs to be talked about.
However, this may not be the ideal gift for every mother. After polling my staff, they unanimously agreed that if a mammogram co-payment is offered, it be in addition to -- not instead of -- the traditional Mother's Day gifts.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old man. I have been widowed going on five years. Lately I've been seeing a nice woman who was recently widowed.
We are considering living together without marriage. That seems to be common here in Florida. It appears to eliminate some of the problems of getting remarried at our age.
My question is, how do you introduce your live-in companion to friends? Obviously I can't say she's my wife, and I think it would be disrespectful to call her my "live-in." -- CONFUSED IN FLORIDA
DEAR CONFUSED: A number of acceptable terms for the person with whom you have chosen to live come to mind: my best friend, my partner, my sweetheart, my girlfriend, or simply, my friend. Or, you can say, "Hello, John. This is Jane," and leave it at that.
Hospice Helps Protect Patients From Too Much Intrusive Care
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for reprinting "Let Me Go" and discussing the durable power of attorney for health care. The state of Ohio has recently enacted a do-not-resuscitate comfort-care law that further protects patients who wish to be "protected" from "heroic measures." I hope other states are doing the same. However, this still may not be enough.
When our elderly aunt was a patient in a local nursing home, she made her wishes clear -- no heroic measures. She had serious asthma and a failing heart. Even though she had a durable power of attorney for health care and a DNR order, the nursing home would ship her off to the hospital every time she had a problem breathing. She would then be subjected to tubes, needles and tests -- none of which she wanted.
Finally, we convinced her to contact hospice. The hospice staff was able to educate the nursing home staff on specific ways to ease her breathing and avoid emergency hospital trips. Hospice did nothing to hasten her death. They did supplement her nursing home care, kept her comfortable, and gave the family much peace of mind. To my thinking, hospice served as her line of defense against these well-intentioned but unwelcome measures. She recently died, at the nursing home, peacefully in her sleep. -- PEGGY IN OHIO
DEAR PEGGY: I'm pleased to say that as our population ages, end-of-life issues are being given increasing attention. After the poem "Let Me Go" appeared in my column, I received dozens of letters from families who had used hospice, praising the efforts of "their" hospice team, which comprises doctors, nurses, social workers, counselors, home health aides, clergy, therapists -- and loyal and devoted volunteers. Each provides assistance based on his or her area of expertise.
In addition, hospices help provide medications, supplies, equipment, hospital services and additional helpers in the home if and when needed.
I was pleased to learn that hospice coverage is widely available. It is provided by Medicare nationwide, by Medicaid in 33 states, and by most private health insurance policies. And if the patient is NOT covered by Medicare or other health insurance, hospice will assist families in finding out whether the patient is eligible for any coverage they might not be aware of. For anyone who cannot pay, many hospices will still make their services available using money raised from the community or from memorial or foundation gifts.
Most physicians know about hospice. For physicians who don't, information is available from the Academy of Hospice Physicians, state hospice organizations, medical societies or the National Hospice Helpline, 1-800-658-8898.
Readers who are interested in learning more about hospice may write: The National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization, 1700 Diagonal Road, Suite 300, Alexandria, VA 22314. The Web site is: www.nhpco.org.
DEAR READERS: From "Marketing Resources," Issue No. 8, 1995:
Sign in Acapulco, Mexico hotel lobby: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
Sign in religious artifacts stores: "If you're interested in life after death, try robbing this store."
Sign in Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Sign in Bangkok dry cleaners: "Drop your pants here."
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Man's Best Friends Get Top Billing in His Obituary
DEAR ABBY: I am 77 years old, and this is my first letter to you. After reading an obituary in our local newspaper, I decided to write and ask your opinion of it.
Abby, it listed the names of the man's survivors and then listed his three dogs by name. I consider this sacrilegious. It elevates animals to the level of human beings. Our values have been turned upside down. A criminal receives a longer sentence for abusing an animal than he or she does for abusing a human being! This is wrong.
I am a dog lover, but when I die, I certainly would not want my dog listed as a survivor along with my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
You have my permission to print this, but please withhold my name. -- DISGUSTED IN INDIANA
DEAR DISGUSTED: Most pet owners cherish their animals, and these animals return that love unconditionally. They become part of the family, and many owners love them as they love family members.
It is a well-known fact that animals contribute to the health and happiness of their owners. This symbiotic relationship benefits both humans and animals. Although it is unusual, I see no harm in pets being listed in an obituary.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance moved from Idaho to be with me in Connecticut. We have been together for one year and we get along great, but he hates the East Coast and wants to move back to Idaho. He told me he is leaving in June -- with or without me!
The problem is I have two sons, ages 18 and 19. They are pretty independent and have lived on their own for the last year or so.
I am torn between moving to Idaho to be with the man I love, or remaining in Connecticut for the sake of my children. What do you think is best for everyone involved? -- CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR CONFUSED: Your sons have proven to be responsible young men living on their own. If you feel they have the emotional maturity and financial resources to continue, by al means go with your fiance to Idaho.
Talk candidly with them about your plans and assure them that you will always be available to them by telephone, and they are welcome to visit you.
A final word of advice: I am concerned that your fiance may have control issues. He presented his decision to leave Connecticut as an ultimatum. Before you marry him, make absolutely sure you are in a 50/50 partnership.
DEAR ABBY: You recently reran a letter in your column from the mother of a 13-year-old girl regarding the "frank talk" she had about sex with her daughter. Now that we've seen the letter about "female accountability," where is the letter that teaches male responsibility? This is the new millennium. That letter should be revised to make it gender-neutral. -- OLGA IN LAKE COUNTY, ILL.
DEAR OLGA: Perhaps. I agree that males are as responsible for contraception as females. However, in matters of contraception nothing should be left to chance. I tell women to assume that the responsibility is theirs -- because it usually is. These days a woman can't be too careful. And neither can a man.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)