Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Swimming Instructor's Skimpy Suit Teaches Wrong Lesson
DEAR ABBY: I am the father of a 7-year-old daughter who takes swimming lessons through a community program. Recently, the instructor -- a high school girl -- showed up for class wearing a swimsuit that became mostly transparent when wet. This made me very uncomfortable.
After class, I mentioned to her that I felt her swimsuit was too revealing and inappropriate for a class of grade school-age children and their parents. Two days later, her supervisor called and told me she had received a complaint from the instructor. The instructor had interpreted my comment as "putting the moves on her."
Her supervisor, who was not in class that day, told me I should have ignored the situation, and if it really bothered me, I should have called her instead of talking with the instructor. I've been told I cannot speak to this young woman when I see her in class, and she will no longer be allowed to work with my daughter.
I am happily married, and I have no desire or need to look elsewhere for a sexual turn-on. However, it is hard to ignore a young woman's breasts when they are staring you in the face. I feel that this situation has been blown out of proportion, and if the instructor were my daughter, I would want someone to tell her if her clothing was inappropriate.
Have we gotten to the point with sexual harassment that we can't help another person who is being ogled in public? What would you have done in this situation? -- SORRY I NOTICED THE NEW SWIMSUIT, WISCONSIN DAD
DEAR SORRY: Interesting question. For a 17-year-old girl to be told by the father of one of her students that her swimsuit looked like it had been designed by the creator of the emperor's new clothes was extremely embarrassing.
I would have been less direct than you in dealing with it. First, I would have told my wife about it. My wife would have been only too happy to telephone the supervisor and give her chapter and verse. A swimming class is not Anatomy 101. From then on, I'd bet the girl would have been teaching her classes in something less revealing.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding the letter from "Tired of Being Taken for Granted," whose fiance is out socializing and leaving her at home. This lady may be in a committed relationship, but her fiance, Ric, is not committed to anything but HIMSELF.
I write from experience. I have been married for 40 years to a Ric. I've sat at home, been excluded and treated with disrespect by my Ric.
It's not the friends who cause the problem -- it's Ric. All the excuses he gives about why he must be without her are purely selfish, insensitive reasons to stay noncommitted.
He has a cook, cleaning lady and a bed partner without a commitment to a relationship. Do you honestly think it will get better? No way!
My message for this woman is: Run while you can. You deserve better. -- BEEN THERE AND STILL THERE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR BEEN THERE: After 40 years of the kind of married life you described, I understand why this letter struck a nerve. You echoed my original reply by stating that it's not the friends who are the cause of the problem -- it's Ric. And if he's unwilling to change, she would be better off without him.
Show of Support Is Welcomed by Down Syndrome Girl's Mom
DEAR ABBY: My letter is in response to "Hurt in Pennsylvania," who wanted her daughter judged on her merits rather than on her Down syndrome.
I, too, am a mother of a daughter with Down syndrome, and I felt bad for "Hurt" -- not because her daughter has Down syndrome, but because she failed to recognize those who were obviously attempting to empathize with her, and she is reacting with disdain. I felt bad that your response to her was that her letter "said it very well," because I don't share your view. It is not easy to accept a disability in any child. Down syndrome children ARE similar in many respects; however, that doesn't take away from their individualism. "They" ARE "all so sweet"!
Most people are afraid of the unknown, and when people try to ease someone's pain or "grieving" (as she put it), they shouldn't be alluded to as "insensitive jerks." Our tolerance for others should not be conditional on our own inability to cope. Perhaps it helps others deal with their obvious discomfort to "share their experiences with individuals who have Down syndrome." I, for one, am grateful for all the many people who come forward and offer their love and support since our daughter's birth, even when the attempts are less than perfect.
My daughter is now 19, has graduated from high school and holds a job. There are still difficult things to deal with, but she has affected more people's lives for good than I would have ever dreamed. -- ANNA'S MOM, DIANN STEWART, LAS VEGAS
DEAR DIANN: I'm pleased that your daughter, Anna, has achieved her many successes. However, the message that "Hurt" was trying to deliver is that it's rude to discuss someone's disability during a casual encounter. I printed her letter because I hoped it would cause people to think about how such comments might be received. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Hurt in Pennsylvania" should be grateful her daughter wasn't born in the '40s, as was my brother -- who is 52 this year and doing just fine, thank you. She is fortunate she has not had people ostracize her for having a "ruined" child, as my parents did. A "Christian" minister to whom they had gone for counseling actually told them they had given birth to this "Mongoloid" boy because they had sinned! Other mothers wouldn't let their children play with my brother and me for fear they would "catch it."
We were an Air Force family, and in the '50s we were accosted on the street in Wiesbaden, Germany, by a man who told us he didn't want to see this "abomination" on the public streets, and we should immediately have my brother put away! (Well, at least he didn't say "put down"!)
In high school and college, I was told by young men that they would date me, but not to expect anything further (like love and marriage), because they didn't want "retards" for children.
People like me and my family have worked for the last 50 years to educate the public, and if I am approached by well-meaning folks when I'm out with my brother, they are received politely and are liable to get a brief lecture on Down syndrome, along with the fact that, as far as science can tell, it is a tragic genetic accident, and NOT hereditary. -- CHERI THROOP, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR CHERI: I hope that during the last three decades the public has learned enough about Down syndrome that no other family has to experience the pain that yours (and I am sure many others) did because of ignorance.
For those interested in learning more about Down syndrome, the National Down Syndrome Society Web page is at www.ndss.org.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MILITARY SPOUSES DESERVE OUR THANKS FOR SACRIFICES AT HOME
DEAR ABBY: The letters you have printed from men and women in the Armed Forces reminded me of an experience I would like to share.
My husband is in the service. One day last fall, we made a quick stop on our way to a formal Marine Corps event. As we walked through the store, many people looked at my husband in his dress blues. One woman approached and thanked him for what he does and the sacrifices he makes. She said her husband was in the Army for many years and that he now rests in Arlington Cemetery. Then she thanked ME and said she understood what a difficult job I had being his wife.
My husband and I walked away touched by the sincerity in her words. I will never forget her, not only because she took the initiative to thank my husband, but because she also recognized a large group of people who are usually overlooked: the spouses.
To all of those other military wives (and husbands) out there: You are appreciated! All of you who faithfully wait for reunions, who have lost count of the tearful goodbyes, those who sleep in empty beds that suddenly seem so large, who comfort the children because they miss Dad or Mom, and those afraid to leave the house because they might miss that weekly phone call from thousands of miles away.
Thanks to all who, like my husband, leave their loved ones for sometimes months at a time and wipe the tears as they go. Thanks to all of those who share my job of supporting their spouses over the miles and keeping them strong.
And last, thank you, Abby, for shedding light on this subject. A lot of hard work and heartache go with being involved in the service. These men and women deserve our thanks. -- PROUD AND LOVING WIFE IN GEORGIA
DEAR PROUD: You have a right to be proud. My hat is off to the families of our servicemen and women, because the home fires often require a lot of stoking and the task falls upon them. Your letter reminds me of a quotation first uttered by John Milton: "They also serve who only stand and wait."
DEAR ABBY: I was touched by the letter you printed from Ula Pendleton, the retired teacher from Westminster High School in Los Angeles, who received praise from a student years after she had taught him. How wonderful for her to know the fruit of her labor.
Teachers are truly the unsung heroes of our lives. No, I'm not a teacher, but I know many teachers, and I always tell them, "I could never do what you do." Most of them labor at an incredibly tough job for years and may never know the results of their work.
As an ER nurse, I, too, have a tough job. However, I can see the results of my efforts -- mostly positive -- on a daily basis. Not so for most teachers, who face many obstacles and may not know if they have made a difference. They deserve our highest praise. -- B.O.G., BASS LAKE, CALIF.
DEAR B.O.G.: I agree. I have received many letters from readers praising their former teachers -- usually because the teachers were fair-minded, caring, and helped their students master a subject.
Teaching is an art, and I, too, admire those gifted individuals in the field of education who have made a positive difference in the lives of their students.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)