What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man's Best Friends Get Top Billing in His Obituary
DEAR ABBY: I am 77 years old, and this is my first letter to you. After reading an obituary in our local newspaper, I decided to write and ask your opinion of it.
Abby, it listed the names of the man's survivors and then listed his three dogs by name. I consider this sacrilegious. It elevates animals to the level of human beings. Our values have been turned upside down. A criminal receives a longer sentence for abusing an animal than he or she does for abusing a human being! This is wrong.
I am a dog lover, but when I die, I certainly would not want my dog listed as a survivor along with my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
You have my permission to print this, but please withhold my name. -- DISGUSTED IN INDIANA
DEAR DISGUSTED: Most pet owners cherish their animals, and these animals return that love unconditionally. They become part of the family, and many owners love them as they love family members.
It is a well-known fact that animals contribute to the health and happiness of their owners. This symbiotic relationship benefits both humans and animals. Although it is unusual, I see no harm in pets being listed in an obituary.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance moved from Idaho to be with me in Connecticut. We have been together for one year and we get along great, but he hates the East Coast and wants to move back to Idaho. He told me he is leaving in June -- with or without me!
The problem is I have two sons, ages 18 and 19. They are pretty independent and have lived on their own for the last year or so.
I am torn between moving to Idaho to be with the man I love, or remaining in Connecticut for the sake of my children. What do you think is best for everyone involved? -- CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR CONFUSED: Your sons have proven to be responsible young men living on their own. If you feel they have the emotional maturity and financial resources to continue, by al means go with your fiance to Idaho.
Talk candidly with them about your plans and assure them that you will always be available to them by telephone, and they are welcome to visit you.
A final word of advice: I am concerned that your fiance may have control issues. He presented his decision to leave Connecticut as an ultimatum. Before you marry him, make absolutely sure you are in a 50/50 partnership.
DEAR ABBY: You recently reran a letter in your column from the mother of a 13-year-old girl regarding the "frank talk" she had about sex with her daughter. Now that we've seen the letter about "female accountability," where is the letter that teaches male responsibility? This is the new millennium. That letter should be revised to make it gender-neutral. -- OLGA IN LAKE COUNTY, ILL.
DEAR OLGA: Perhaps. I agree that males are as responsible for contraception as females. However, in matters of contraception nothing should be left to chance. I tell women to assume that the responsibility is theirs -- because it usually is. These days a woman can't be too careful. And neither can a man.
Mother's Lesson in Manners Omits Chapter on Rudeness
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to the one written by "Determined in Dallas," who prides herself on courtesy and who is attempting to pass on similar traits to her 4-year-old son. When her son kindly holds the door open for a stranger, and that stranger neglects to say thank you, "Determined" feels it necessary to announce ("loud enough for the offender to hear"), "She should've thanked you, but her manners aren't as good as yours!"
The lesson that "Determined" is teaching her son is that it's OK to embarrass and correct total strangers when they don't follow your beliefs. This, in my opinion, is far more rude than not saying thank you. If "Determined" wants to reinforce the idea of thanking others, she'd do better to speak to her son privately and quietly. She could also teach him (and remind herself) that a truly kind person performs acts of kindness without expecting thank-yous and applause. -- NOT THANKED YET STILL COURTEOUS
DEAR NOT THANKED: You are not the only reader who took pen in hand to point out that the zealous mother might be sending her son the wrong message -- and displaying rudeness in the bargain. While it would have been more tactful of her to direct her comments quietly to her son, I still believe that small children need positive reinforcement. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Determined in Dallas," the mother of the 4-year-old boy, brought back memories of my dear grandmother, Alice. While reading that letter, I thought you might scold her a bit about her reply to thoughtless strangers "... loudly enough for the offender to hear."
Personally, I think she did the right thing. I recall how my Alice would hold the door for people, and when they "forgot" to say thank you, undaunted, she would call out one of her cheery "You're welcomes." -- ALEX KALINOWSKY, RIDGELAND, S.C.
DEAR ALEX: Your Grandmother Alice must have been quite a woman. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The recent letters about courtesy miss the point, which is that human beings should be courteous to one another regardless of gender.
As my husband says, what works for one gender should work for the other as well. Good manners should mean being thoughtful and considerate of others and open to giving or receiving an act of courtesy depending on the situation -- not the gender. -- SALLY ROSLOFF, NORTHRIDGE, CALIF.
DEAR SALLY: Your husband is absolutely right. And his philosophy is similar to that of manners maven Tish Baldrige, who sagely points out: "Manners embrace socially acceptable behavior ... but also much more than that. They are an expression of how you treat others when you care about them, their self-esteem, and their feelings. ... In a chaotic world, they can make order out of disorder and give you the power to bring pleasure into other people's lives."
It's worth thinking about.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "HOW DO I KNOW IT'S LOVE?": "Love is that condition in which the happiness of someone else is essential to your own." -- Robert Heinlein (1907-1988)
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pet Adoptathon Is Matchmaker for Orphaned Pets, New Owners
DEAR ABBY: Please tell your animal-loving readers everywhere to mark their calendars. Pet Adoptathon 2000 will take place on May 6 and 7. The first Pet Adoptathon of the new millennium promises to be the biggest, most exciting lifesaving weekend the world has ever experienced. Last year's event was unbelievable -- more than 37,000 animals' lives were saved through the hard work and dedication of more than 2,400 animal organizations around the globe.
What began as a local event at North Shore Animal League has flourished into a huge international celebration -- the foremost occasion in the 21st century for all animal groups to join forces and find loving homes for more orphaned pets. This year, the league and shelters across the country and around the world are working tirelessly toward one goal -- to increase the number of dogs, cats, puppies and kittens placed with loving, caring adopters during Pet Adoptathon 2000.
North Shore Animal League is calling on all animal lovers to start off the century on the right foot and paw. Open your hearts and homes to the innocent animal orphans available for adoption. Their lives depend on it. -- J. JOHN STEVENSON, PRESIDENT, NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE
DEAR JOHN: I'm pleased to help spread the word. Readers, for the name of a participating shelter near you, call the North Shore Animal League's toll-free number: 1-877-236-9725. Many shelters will be open extended hours -- some through the night -- to help you find that special pet, that perfect furry friend who will give you a lifetime of love and devotion.
That said, I would like to add: Before you rush out to adopt one of these orphan pets, please take a moment to be sure you are ready to make a commitment that will last for many years. Pets are wonderful, but they require proper care and attention, and many require training to be the pleasurable companions you may be seeking.
If you are ready for this responsibility, get to the shelter early -- and select the pet who was born to be loved by you!
DEAR ABBY: Have you ever heard of a "weight-loss shower"? The premise of the shower is a celebration of weight loss. The individual hosting the shower has lost 30 pounds, and this definitely is cause for celebration.
The "catch" to this shower is that the guests are expected to bring monetary gifts so the hostess can buy a new wardrobe to fit her smaller figure.
I would love to hear what you and your readers think about such a shower. -- AMBIGUOUS IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR AMBIGUOUS: Weight loss certainly is a positive reason for supportive family and friends to get together and help the hostess celebrate. However, she has no business hosting her own "shower." Furthermore, I'm taken aback by the idea that guests will be expected to foot the bill for a new wardrobe. If such a shower is successful, what's to stop someone who has put on a few pounds from using a shower to raise money for a wardrobe for his or her fuller figure -- or a kitchen shower to replace broken dishes, or a bedding shower because the sheets are getting thin? Readers, care to comment?
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