What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Brother Abuses Family Trust by Shorting on Yearly Rent
DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, my brother was in a financial bind. He stood to lose his home and possibly his livelihood. He asked my husband and me to buy part of his farmland so that he could use the cash to pay off his debts.
We live on a fixed income, but we had some investments pay out so we had the cash to purchase the land. We agreed to let him continue to farm the land, and he was to pay us one-third of the income as rent. We left all the details to him, as we had no reason to distrust him. However, we recently discovered that he has been receiving a government subsidy that he was supposed to share with us. It is not a great deal of money on a yearly basis, but over the past 12 years it has amounted to a few thousand dollars.
My husband and I are hurt and disappointed over this deception. We don't want to take legal action, nor do we want to embarrass him in any way. We would like to resolve this matter in a tactful way to permit him to save face. We discussed selling the land, but this would probably put him in a financial bind, and we don't want to do that.
My brother has a fairly good life. He owns his home free and clear, has a place at the lake and owns a boat. In other words, he is not destitute.
Have you any suggestions on how to resolve this matter without hard feelings on either side? -- DISAPPOINTED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Frankly, I don't. Your kindness and concern have been abused, and you have caught your brother with his hand in the cookie jar. This will continue until you put a stop to it -- and when you do, instead of being angry at himself, he will displace his anger onto you, so be prepared.
DEAR ABBY: I taught school for 30 years and used your column many times to foster rich discussions in the classroom. You have always addressed the problems in society squarely, and in doing so, given readers springboards from which to launch dialogues of their own.
The recent letter from "Niece in Troy, N.Y.," discussing why people should make an effort to visit relatives who can no longer communicate as they once did, really hit home.
I am in the "sandwich" generation. I am a grandmother with seven grandchildren, and I have both parents and a former mother-in-law who are in varying forms of dementia.
Recently, while I was driving two of my granddaughters to my house, we passed the elder care home where my former mother-in-law now resides. She is the great-grandmother to the little girls. As we went by, Sophia, who is 4 years old, said, "That's where Nonie lives."
"That's right," I answered, and continued driving.
"But, Gran," she asked, "aren't we going to stop and check on her?" Of course, we did.
At that moment, I realized what a wonderful job my son and his wife had done. Their children were being taught compassion, caring and responsibility to those who could no longer care for themselves.
None of us knows how we are going to end up. I feel proud knowing that my children are teaching their children values. -- "GRAN" IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR "GRAN": You have every reason to be proud of your children and grandchildren.
P.S. I'm sure they learned a lot about compassion from you.
Let Us Honor All Who Died So That We Might Be Free
DEAR ABBY: As we prepare to celebrate Memorial Day, we should remember that this noble holiday is more than just a day off from work or school to spend time with our families or enjoy the outdoors. Memorial Day was created to honor those who gave their lives in service to our nation, and to reflect on the blessings of freedom.
This year, President Clinton and the U.S. Congress are joining together to urge Americans to put the "memorial" back into Memorial Day by participating in a National Moment of Remembrance. At 3 p.m. local time on Monday, May 29, Americans everywhere are encouraged to pause for one minute to pay tribute to our fallen heroes. We ask that "Taps" be played on radio and television stations and at public events wherever possible, and that those who are driving turn on their headlights. Whether at home or abroad, alone or with others, every American is encouraged to observe this moment of reflection in his or her own way.
On Memorial Day 2000, let us as a nation unite to thank the courageous men and women who paid with their lives so that we could enjoy this Memorial Day and every day in freedom. -- JOHN PODESTA, CHIEF OF STAFF TO THE PRESIDENT
DEAR MR. PODESTA: That's very little to ask of the proud citizens of this nation. Devoting one minute out of the holiday to remember those who have laid down their lives that we might live in freedom is the least we can do to acknowledge their sacrifice.
I thank you for bringing this to the attention of my readers.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rob," was adopted at the age of 6 weeks. I have known about it since we first began dating.
We now have three school-age children, and we never thought it was necessary to tell them that their dad was adopted. We were wrong.
About a month ago, our 10-year-old daughter got into a quarrel with "Megan," the 13-year-old daughter of my husband's adoptive aunt. Megan was cruel to our daughter and told her that she is not really a "Smith" grandchild. This resulted in our daughter coming home in tears and totally confused.
At that point we did our best to explain to her that, while she has a different genetic makeup, she is certainly a Smith in every other way.
Abby, this painful incident could have been avoided had we been more open with our daughter from the beginning about her dad's adoption. Please tell your readers that honesty is always the best policy. Thanks for listening. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY
DEAR LEARNED: I have done that in the past, and I will continue to do it. Your letter serves as a valuable warning to parents who may have withheld information that could provide a child with a better understanding of his or her family.
P.S. Your husband should consider confronting his aunt and asking her where she thinks her daughter "picked up" such a cruel idea.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girl With Mustache Shouldn't Have to Keep Stiff Upper Lip
DEAR ABBY: I have a 13-year-old granddaughter who has a mustache. More and more, kids tease her about it. She tried to remove it by using something a friend gave her, but it ended up irritating her upper lip.
Her mom told her to overlook it if kids tease her, and that when she's 18 she can have it "taken care of." Until then, what is my granddaughter supposed to do? She's a sweet, beautiful girl, and my heart aches for her.
Abby, can you offer some advice to her mom, and other moms out there, whose daughters face the same problem? -- INQUIRING GRANDPARENT
DEAR GRANDPARENT: Yes. It's a common problem, and there are many choices -- a selection of over-the-counter depilatory creams, waxes and bleaches are available.
If directions are carefully followed under her mother's supervision, your granddaughter should get good results. Waxing "smarts" a bit, but it's far less painful than the embarrassment of unwanted facial hair. There is also the option of laser hair removal.
When your granddaughter is older, she and her mother might discuss permanent hair removal with a dermatologist or licensed electrologist.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to your letters regarding hospice care.
As an oncologist and a hospice physician, I have seen how our society's denial of death can unintentionally deny patients choice and dignity during the final stage of life.
Today less than a quarter of patients who could benefit from hospice ever experience its comfort. And those who do are often referred too late to benefit from excellent pain management, and psychosocial or spiritual care that can enrich the end of life. Moreover, most patients are unaware that there is a Medicare hospice benefit or that their health insurance provides coverage.
Fortunately, our society is starting to explore the possibility of dying well. The Foundation for End of Life Care recently helped found the nation's first interdisciplinary institute to research end-of-life care issues. Housed in Duke University's Divinity School, it will provide much-needed education for health-care professionals and the public.
End-of-life care choices, pain management, the effect of bereavement counseling on spouse survival, and how different ethnic groups or cultures treat death, dying and bereavement are some of the topics for research. The institute will also advocate for the terminally ill in the health-care policy arena.
Our goal as a foundation is to transform dying into the final act of living well. We urge individuals to do their part by learning and talking about end-of-life options today. -- J.R. WILLIAMS, M.D., CHAIRMAN AND PRESIDENT, FOUNDATION FOR END OF LIFE CARE
DEAR DR. WILLIAMS: I am pleased that hospice is finally being discussed more openly in institutions of higher learning. I have received hundreds of letters from readers relating their personal experiences with hospice -- 99 percent positive and incredibly touching. Hospice provides a great deal of comfort to patients and their families.
There is no reason why anyone with a terminal illness should feel he or she must endure pain -- or die frightened or alone.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)