Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother's Ill-Timed Surgery Cuts Into Vacation Plans
DEAR ABBY: I was an only child. I am 53 years old and have been married 33 years. All my life, my mother told me never to tell my maternal grandmother when our family had plans, because she would always "get sick" and spoil everything. For several months, my husband and I have been looking forward to a vacation in a cabin in the mountains. We have not had one mainly because of the illness and death of our son.
My mother has scheduled back surgery three days before our vacation. She had three choices, but selected that day. She keeps telling me not to cancel my vacation, but I know I will pay dearly if I don't. I will never hear the end of it.
We really need this time away. My husband cares for his invalid mother on a daily basis, and I have a very stressful job. We could use this time to gather our wits about us.
Should I cancel our plans and accept what I know is my responsibility, or go ahead and take a vacation and "face the music"? -- TORN IN KENTUCKY
DEAR TORN: Take the vacation you and your husband so sorely need. If your mother tries to lay a guilt trip on you when you return, don't take the bait. Calmly point out that she chose the date for her operation knowing when you were leaving, and she had other options.
If this sounds harsh, forgive me, but you must take care of yourself first, and your reasons for going are compelling.
DEAR ABBY: I am furious at "Lesson Learned in Florida," who thought marrying a "relative stranger" for the sake of his child was a mistake! How about sleeping with a "relative stranger" for the sake of physical pleasure? I guess that part didn't bother him as much.
And the divorce was painful and traumatic for him? How about the quality of life for a little girl who must struggle with two selfish, irresponsible parents who have joint custody? How about the confusion and turmoil of straddling two homes? Now that WILL be traumatic for an innocent little victim of his bad behavior.
For those who haven't made these foolish and unfortunate mistakes yet, take this advice: Don't marry strangers, but don't sleep with strangers, either. Keep your pants zipped until you know and love your chosen mate. The result will be that a planned and wanted child will be raised in a home where married people love and care for each other. -- MELISSA ATTINOTO, ORION, MICH.
DEAR MELISSA: I agree that it's irresponsible to sleep with strangers. It is even more irresponsible to have sexual relations without protection. Both the man and the woman risked a possibly life-threatening, sexually transmitted disease, as well as an unplanned pregnancy.
However, not all children of divorce are traumatized by "straddling two homes," as long as each home is filled with unconditional love.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOST IN LOVE": Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. (Scottish proverb)
Storyteller Who Repeats Tales Lacks Understanding Audience
DEAR ABBY: I would like to share my thoughts regarding the 80-year-old talkaholic. This man's wife needs support. Perhaps the wife could ask for "group support" by inviting listeners to raise their hands so the gentleman knows they have heard his stories before and he is talking too much. He knows what he is doing and is taking unfair advantage of his audience and his age. He is not a fragile old man. He is an abuser. -- DOWN WITH NOISE POLLUTION, LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR DOWN: I strongly disagree. Given the man's age and the description of his behavior, it is possible that he suffers from age-related dementia and is not aware that he is repeating himself. What you're suggesting would not be helpful; it would humiliate him. What's needed is patience, compassion and a medical evaluation. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Speaking as someone who is getting up there in age (today is my 60th birthday), I have taken a different tack regarding older people who ramble on or repeat stories from their youth. I encourage them and listen to them.
There is no reason why a topic should be discussed only once. My foremost reason for doing this is because, when I reach 70, 80 or 90 (if I'm lucky enough to do so), I hope my friends and relatives will be kind enough to be patient with me.
It strikes me that the wife and friends are not very social. They are unkind and selfish, thinking only of themselves. What possible harm can there be in letting older people enjoy themselves and spending a few moments paying attention to them? Someday they'll be gone, and you will wish you had been kinder, more patient and more caring. -- JUST MY 2 CENTS' WORTH, PEMBROKE PINES, FLA.
DEAR 2 CENTS' WORTH: Your 2 cents are among the most valuable I have read on this subject. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from the wife complaining about her husband who tells the same stories over and over. I recently wrote something that would answer that letter. It is titled "Blow It Away," and you have my permission to print it if you wish.
Wheat, after the harvest, must be thrashed
To separate the chaff from the grain.
The chaff is light and worthless,
And is easily blown away.
The things people say to us
Are a lot like the wheat.
Some of it has truth and value, and
Some of it, like the chaff, is worthless.
Sometimes people will tell the same jokes and stories over and over,
say provocative things, just to get your attention,
quickly overreact to your viewpoints,
always play the devil's advocate, or
just talk and talk and talk.
People usually have a reason for what they say, and
We need to listen carefully, and even
Look behind their words, and between the lines
To separate the chaff from the grain,
Keep what is worthwhile, and
With a quiet, patient understanding,
BLOW THE REST AWAY.
-- PHIL SKARIN
DEAR PHIL: Bravo! Your poem seems to have been inspired by the writing of Maria Mulock Craik, whose poetry has been featured in this column.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
DEAR READERS: It's Mother's Day, a fitting occasion to share a toast to all mothers, submitted by June Cotner, author of "Family Celebrations, Prayers, Poems and Toasts for Every Occasion" (Andrews McMeel, 1999).
To all mothers, stepmothers, foster mothers, surrogate mothers, grandmothers and mothers-in-law, and to all female citizens of the global village who help to raise children, a salute! Read on:
A MOTHER'S DAY TOAST
SuzAnne C. Cole, Houston
Please lift your glasses high to honor mothers,
Everyone's first love,
Who risk their lives giving birth,
Who respect the heart-thoughts of their children,
Who know "mother" is not the same as "smother."
To mothers,
Who always believe we can and will improve,
Who love us deeply enough to let us go,
Who end every phone call with "I love you,"
Who never give up hoping for our happiness.
We thank them for their strength,
We honor them for their suffering,
We forgive them their mistakes,
For in becoming aware of their limitations,
We learn to acknowledge our own,
To our mothers -- and their love.
DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter from someone who implied that there's something wrong with a man in his 40s who is still single. May I offer my opinion?
Four years ago, I married a 38-year-old man who had never been married, never been engaged, never lived with anyone and never fathered a child. We had dated for almost three years. I was 38 with three children, two still living at home.
While we were dating, our "dates" generally consisted of attending my children's sporting events, going places with my children, or watching television because it was a school night and the kids had to get to bed early.
He was an avid hunter, fisherman, roper, etc. He did these things on a daily basis and spent his time and money on these sports. However, he came to a time in his life when he wanted a family.
My husband is not perfect; however, he is a devoted husband and father. He is completely unselfish with his time and money. We spend 90 percent of our time on functions relating to the children, who are teen-agers now.
One more thing: He was never very popular with the girls or women in this area. That is their loss. They were looking on the outside. I looked on the inside and found a man who loves unconditionally and buys me beautiful, thoughtful gifts even when working 10- to 12-hour days. He never raises his voice to me or complains if the housework is not completed or if supper is not on the table when he gets home. He also supports me in my interests.
My husband will tell you that the only thing "wrong" with him was that he was waiting for ME. -- HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN VINITA, OKLA.
DEAR HAPPILY EVER AFTER: It seems you found your Prince Charming "hiding" in plain sight. I congratulate you. If they ever perfect human cloning, perhaps he'll become a DNA donor for the sake of those many women who are seeking the almost perfect man.
P.S. One of the reasons people have to mine for diamonds is they are usually found beneath the surface.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)