To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR READERS: It's Mother's Day, a fitting occasion to share a toast to all mothers, submitted by June Cotner, author of "Family Celebrations, Prayers, Poems and Toasts for Every Occasion" (Andrews McMeel, 1999).
To all mothers, stepmothers, foster mothers, surrogate mothers, grandmothers and mothers-in-law, and to all female citizens of the global village who help to raise children, a salute! Read on:
A MOTHER'S DAY TOAST
SuzAnne C. Cole, Houston
Please lift your glasses high to honor mothers,
Everyone's first love,
Who risk their lives giving birth,
Who respect the heart-thoughts of their children,
Who know "mother" is not the same as "smother."
To mothers,
Who always believe we can and will improve,
Who love us deeply enough to let us go,
Who end every phone call with "I love you,"
Who never give up hoping for our happiness.
We thank them for their strength,
We honor them for their suffering,
We forgive them their mistakes,
For in becoming aware of their limitations,
We learn to acknowledge our own,
To our mothers -- and their love.
DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter from someone who implied that there's something wrong with a man in his 40s who is still single. May I offer my opinion?
Four years ago, I married a 38-year-old man who had never been married, never been engaged, never lived with anyone and never fathered a child. We had dated for almost three years. I was 38 with three children, two still living at home.
While we were dating, our "dates" generally consisted of attending my children's sporting events, going places with my children, or watching television because it was a school night and the kids had to get to bed early.
He was an avid hunter, fisherman, roper, etc. He did these things on a daily basis and spent his time and money on these sports. However, he came to a time in his life when he wanted a family.
My husband is not perfect; however, he is a devoted husband and father. He is completely unselfish with his time and money. We spend 90 percent of our time on functions relating to the children, who are teen-agers now.
One more thing: He was never very popular with the girls or women in this area. That is their loss. They were looking on the outside. I looked on the inside and found a man who loves unconditionally and buys me beautiful, thoughtful gifts even when working 10- to 12-hour days. He never raises his voice to me or complains if the housework is not completed or if supper is not on the table when he gets home. He also supports me in my interests.
My husband will tell you that the only thing "wrong" with him was that he was waiting for ME. -- HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN VINITA, OKLA.
DEAR HAPPILY EVER AFTER: It seems you found your Prince Charming "hiding" in plain sight. I congratulate you. If they ever perfect human cloning, perhaps he'll become a DNA donor for the sake of those many women who are seeking the almost perfect man.
P.S. One of the reasons people have to mine for diamonds is they are usually found beneath the surface.
DEAR ABBY: For the last 12 years, I have been married to a good man and a great father. I have also been friends with a different man I'll call "Sam" for nearly 20 years. Sam and I have been through a lot together. He helped me through a rough teen-age period and my husband's infidelity. I helped Sam through his divorce and his affair with a married woman, who happens to be a close friend of mine.
My husband has never understood how a man and a woman can be "just friends" and never have any kind of sexual contact. But to me, Sam has been like a big brother. I have always defended my relationship with him by saying neither of us has those kinds of feelings for each other.
I believed that until recently, when Sam said something to me that makes me think he does. We were discussing the married friend he had an affair with, and he mentioned that she had asked him if we ever had sex. He said, "No, we never did -- but I wouldn't mind if we did." He then asked me if I ever had those feelings for him. I told him, "No, that would ruin a good friendship."
My problem now is defending my friendship with Sam, knowing he does have those feelings for me. I used to be comfortable around him -- like a buddy -- but now I'm uneasy. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I'm not sure I can talk to him the same way. It's almost like I did have an affair with him.
If my hubby even suspected Sam had these feelings for me, he would insist the relationship cease. Abby, you're the only person I can confide in. What do I do now? -- INNOCENT IN ILLINOIS
DEAR INNOCENT: First, accept the fact that Sam's friendship may have served its purpose. Frankly, that Q and A session was a betrayal of the platonic friendship you have enjoyed with him. That's why you are uncomfortable. Second, set a clear boundary -- and if it's crossed again, say "adios" to this "old amigo," who may never have grasped the concept of brotherly love.
DEAR ABBY: In a response to a recent letter you stated that you had received more than 100 requests to print the 15 warning signs of an abusive partner. Those warning signs are an excellent indicator of someone who is abusive. Anyone in a relationship with such a person would be more than justified in leaving.
What I find interesting, however, is that nobody has given any advice to children who are also the victims of such an abuser. While adults can sever a relationship with an abuser by leaving, a child cannot. The children usually rely on the abuser for the material necessities like food, clothing and shelter -- and this often gives the abuser even more control over the children.
I would like to know what advice you and your readers have for children who are suffering in such a relationship. I would also like to hear from adults who survived such an abuser. How did they do it? -- CONCERNED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CONCERNED: Many children feel intimidated by -- or protective of -- their abuser and don't speak up. When I hear from children who are being abused, I urge them to confide in a trusted adult. Teachers, counselors, school nurses, coaches, doctors, psychologists, social workers and, in many cases, clergypersons are mandated by law in most states to report suspected child abuse and neglect to child protection agencies, which will investigate and make an appropriate intervention.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Son Struggles for Right Words to Bless Mom's Big Wedding
DEAR ABBY: I have been asked to speak on behalf of my family at my mother's wedding. She is 75 and her future husband -- whom I've never met -- is 77. I am 42 and the youngest of three children.
My father passed away four years ago after nearly 50 years of marriage to my mother. Mother is marrying a man she has known for only three months. She says she is planning "the wedding she never had" when she married my father.
Three hundred guests have been invited to watch her walk down the aisle in a long white wedding gown. She's arranged for numerous attendants, two flower girls and a ring bearer.
Although my brother is totally against the marriage, he will attend. My sister is all for it. I would like to get out of it, but my mother has laid a "guilt trip" on me, and I agreed to speak at the reception.
What can I say that will make everyone happy? -- SPEECHLESS IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
DEAR SPEECHLESS: Toast the couple. Speak about your joy that your mother has found happiness. Talk about how terrific she is, how much she is loved by her family, and what an exemplary wife this man is getting. Period.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating my fiance for nearly two years. We are being married in a few months. He was raised in a male-dominated family, and he treats me like a daughter he can boss around, instead of his future wife.
We've talked about this many times. He truly believes that he is "taking care of me" and "protecting me for my own good." I appreciate his intentions, but his approach makes me angry.
I was raised in a home where we were all treated equally, and I had been taking care of myself long before I met him.
I love him, and I know he loves me, but how can I make him realize that I don't think it's cute when he treats me like the "inferior sex"? -- MAIDEN IN MARYLAND
DEAR MAIDEN: Put him on notice and tell him seriously how much his boorish behavior is resented, and you're afraid that if he doesn't change, it will destroy your relationship.
Postpone your wedding plans until you are absolutely certain he will treat you like an adult and an equal partner.
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter concerning the elimination of Morse code by government and commercial agencies, and I want you to know that I am glad I knew Morse code for "SOS." Cell and digital phones don't always work in the boondocks!
I'm a female in my mid-30s. One night a few years ago, my cousin and I were driving through Oklahoma on a lonely, dark stretch of road. When I ran out of gas, I turned on my emergency flashers, but nobody stopped. After waiting for approximately an hour without getting any help, I decided to use Morse code. I flashed "SOS" to several big trucks going by, and within 10 minutes, a state trooper pulled up. He said several people had called and reported seeing me blink "SOS." (Nobody called about the emergency blinkers!) -- DOTS AND DASHES IN TENNESSEE
DEAR DOTS AND DASHES: I am pleased that the truckers in Oklahoma knew Morse code and helped rescue you and your cousin from a potentially dangerous situation.
Your letter proves that sometimes the old methods are still the best.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)