CONFIDENTIAL TO "HATES TO ASK, BUT NEEDS TO KNOW": "There aren't any embarrassing questions -- just embarrassing answers." (Carl T. Rowan Jr., former diplomat and respected journalist)
Letting Go Can Be Family's Act of Love for Dying Patient
DEAR ABBY: I have been an intensive care nurse for more than 20 years, and I wholeheartedly agree with the poem you printed, "Let Me Go." Too often patients are kept alive under impossible circumstances.
I must take exception, however, to the phrase that pleads for the "doctor" to let go. That is not the case today. Rather, it is the FAMILIES who cannot let go and insist that the doctors continue heroic measures. They put the doctors in an impossible position. In our litigious society, doctors press on for fear of being punished in court.
Doctors should be honest with family members about the course of the patient's disease so that informed decisions can be made regarding the patient's care and possible withdrawal of treatment. There comes a point when treatment should stop. Pressing on may serve only the needs of those making the request, and not the needs of the patient.
Letting go can be an unselfish act of love for the patient. -- MICHELLE STUART, LAKE FOREST PARK, WASH.
DEAR MICHELLE: It is important that there be honest and ongoing communication between doctors, patients and families. The best doctors answer questions honestly and do not try to "protect" the patient and family by giving them "false hope." They know when to say that the prognosis is not good, and there are no treatment options left.
With empathy and sensitivity, doctors, nurses and social workers can help the patient and family make the decision to "let go," and when the time comes, to concentrate on pain relief and quality of life.
DEAR ABBY: The sentiment in "Let Me Go," the poem that you recently published, is one that we hear a lot at The Hemlock Society. Fortunately, we can offer solutions to suffering people and their families that can empower them.
Knowing there is a choice about whether to go on, or to die with peace and dignity at the time they chose, often extends life and relieves anxiety. There is no reason why the end of life should be the one time that people dread.
The late Supreme Court Justice William Brennan put it this way: "Dying is personal ... and it is profound. For many, the thought of an ignoble end, steeped in decay, is abhorrent. A quiet, proud death, bodily integrity intact, is a matter of extreme consequence."
We agree, and The Hemlock Society can help. -- FAYE GIRSH, PRESIDENT
DEAR FAYE: I am pleased to publish The Hemlock Society's mission: "To maximize the options for a good death, including legalizing physician aid in dying for terminally ill, mentally competent adults who request it, under careful safeguards."
Readers who would like further information can write The Hemlock Society, P.O. Box 101810, Denver, CO 80250-1810. The Web site is: www.hemlock.org; and e-mail: hemlock@privatei.com.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Child's Cruelty to Animals Is Sign of Troubles Ahead
DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, our neighbor owned a St. Bernard that was usually tied up outside the house. It was teased almost daily by another neighbor's vicious child, until it turned mean. (St. Bernards by nature are very friendly dogs.)
One day the dog got loose and bit my 10-year-old brother as he was walking home from school. The animal's jaws surrounded my brother's upper thigh completely, and the puncture wounds were half an inch deep.
Luckily, my brother did not develop tetanus or any other complications, and he recovered completely, with only some scars to show for the experience. The same can't be said for the dog or the mean neighbor child. The child grew up to be a nasty adult who is now in prison. The dog eventually was euthanized -- absolutely not at my family's request. We were angry at the horrible boy, not the poor dog.
Children who torture animals are likely to grow into criminal adults, so parents should teach their children at an early age to be kind to animals as well as people. -- SEEN IT IN SEATTLE
DEAR SEEN IT: Persistent cruelty to animals warrants a thorough evaluation by a psychiatrist or psychologist with expertise in children to determine the cause -- and the sooner the better.
I checked with child psychiatrist Lori Zukerman, M.D., in Los Angeles, who confirmed that persistent teasing of a confined and helpless animal by a child should be of concern to parents, because it may be a symptom of a psychiatric illness such as conduct disorder.
Conduct disorder is characterized by anti-social behavior and is frequently associated with poor self-esteem, poor frustration tolerance, lack of empathy, risk-taking behaviors, and impairments in daily functioning and relationships.
Studies suggest that many children with conduct disorder will have a diagnosis of anti-social personality as adults and/or they will be at risk for mood disorders, anxiety disorders and substance abuse in adulthood.
DEAR ABBY: Last summer when our son was 13 months old, we visited my in-laws in another state. While there, we went out to their lake place, where they keep an older, somewhat rundown boat. After dinner, my father-in-law, who had consumed a couple of beers, wanted us all to hop in the boat and go for a spin around the lake.
Since there was no infant life jacket available (the type with a special neck support that is meant to keep an infant's head above water), I refused. My father-in-law became infuriated and proceeded to berate me because none of the other daughters-in-law with small children had a problem with taking their kids in the boat without life jackets. My husband supported my position; however, since then my father-in-law has been rude and condescending toward me.
Given the fact that this man had a couple of drinks and the boat is old, I just didn't want to take any chances. Every year we hear about boating accidents where people might have survived if they had been wearing a life jacket. Was I out of line? And what do I do about my father-in-law? -- CAREFUL MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR CAREFUL: You were not out of line. You were behaving the way a conscientious parent should. Even if your father-in-law had an infant life jacket, you should never get in a boat navigated by someone who has been drinking.
Your father-in-law was talking through his beer and behaving like a spoiled child. You can't change him -- he is the only person who can do that. Keep your distance until he cleans up his act and apologizes.
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DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Pro-Choice Grandma" has caused me to write my very first letter to you.
I, too, am a grandma, though only 60 years old. When my children were small, we discovered they suffered from brittle bone disease that caused their bones to break easily.
Our younger son was 5 when the first broken leg occurred. During that year, he broke his leg three times in less than nine months. To date, he has broken his legs a total of 22 times. He also broke his back and neck in an accident and is a paraplegic now.
Our older son has broken his legs six times. As soon as my boys were diagnosed with this condition, I promised myself I would not bring another child into this world to suffer as they have.
Abortions were not legal or acceptable in the early '60s, nor was permanent sterilization available for women in our area. We did everything we knew to prevent another pregnancy, but I knew in my heart that if indeed I did get pregnant again, I would not carry the baby to term. The good Lord blessed us by not forcing us to make that decision, but the fact that I might have had to have an abortion has enabled me to be more understanding of others who make the decision to end an unplanned pregnancy.
My younger son once told me that he would not have been able to forgive us for bringing him into this world, knowing he would suffer like he has. However, since we knew nothing of this condition until he was 5, he could not hold us responsible. He has chosen not to pass this condition on to his children. He has since married a lovely girl with two precious daughters who are now his children and our grandchildren. We are also blessed with two wonderful godchildren.
I join with those who are pro-choice, and agree that only the individual knows how much she can handle, and the decision should be hers to make. -- BLESSED GRANDMA IN KANSAS CITY, MO.
DEAR GRANDMA: Your letter proves once again that there are many circumstances that make it imperative that individuals be allowed to make a choice for themselves. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I want to join "Pro-Choice Grandma." Where is it written that the only "choice" pregnant women will make is abortion? Choice means just that -- the woman has a right to decide for herself, her body and her pregnancy. She might just as easily choose to have her baby, have it adopted or keep it herself.
The way I see it, I can be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time. I would make a CHOICE to keep my baby. My niece chose adoption when she was pregnant after a date rape. I might have counseled her (had she asked me) to have her baby, but if she had chosen abortion, I believe that would have been her affair.
Each person's pain or joy is her own. There's no reason why another person should claim the right to decide how things should be for another. The right to "choose" for one's self is an individual right. -- GRANNY IN LONG BEACH
DEAR GRANNY: Absolutely. And it is a right that women had to wage a vigorous and protracted battle to win. However, it is also a right that, if taken for granted, will surely be lost -- and no one should forget that fact.
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