To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Child's Cruelty to Animals Is Sign of Troubles Ahead
DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, our neighbor owned a St. Bernard that was usually tied up outside the house. It was teased almost daily by another neighbor's vicious child, until it turned mean. (St. Bernards by nature are very friendly dogs.)
One day the dog got loose and bit my 10-year-old brother as he was walking home from school. The animal's jaws surrounded my brother's upper thigh completely, and the puncture wounds were half an inch deep.
Luckily, my brother did not develop tetanus or any other complications, and he recovered completely, with only some scars to show for the experience. The same can't be said for the dog or the mean neighbor child. The child grew up to be a nasty adult who is now in prison. The dog eventually was euthanized -- absolutely not at my family's request. We were angry at the horrible boy, not the poor dog.
Children who torture animals are likely to grow into criminal adults, so parents should teach their children at an early age to be kind to animals as well as people. -- SEEN IT IN SEATTLE
DEAR SEEN IT: Persistent cruelty to animals warrants a thorough evaluation by a psychiatrist or psychologist with expertise in children to determine the cause -- and the sooner the better.
I checked with child psychiatrist Lori Zukerman, M.D., in Los Angeles, who confirmed that persistent teasing of a confined and helpless animal by a child should be of concern to parents, because it may be a symptom of a psychiatric illness such as conduct disorder.
Conduct disorder is characterized by anti-social behavior and is frequently associated with poor self-esteem, poor frustration tolerance, lack of empathy, risk-taking behaviors, and impairments in daily functioning and relationships.
Studies suggest that many children with conduct disorder will have a diagnosis of anti-social personality as adults and/or they will be at risk for mood disorders, anxiety disorders and substance abuse in adulthood.
DEAR ABBY: Last summer when our son was 13 months old, we visited my in-laws in another state. While there, we went out to their lake place, where they keep an older, somewhat rundown boat. After dinner, my father-in-law, who had consumed a couple of beers, wanted us all to hop in the boat and go for a spin around the lake.
Since there was no infant life jacket available (the type with a special neck support that is meant to keep an infant's head above water), I refused. My father-in-law became infuriated and proceeded to berate me because none of the other daughters-in-law with small children had a problem with taking their kids in the boat without life jackets. My husband supported my position; however, since then my father-in-law has been rude and condescending toward me.
Given the fact that this man had a couple of drinks and the boat is old, I just didn't want to take any chances. Every year we hear about boating accidents where people might have survived if they had been wearing a life jacket. Was I out of line? And what do I do about my father-in-law? -- CAREFUL MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR CAREFUL: You were not out of line. You were behaving the way a conscientious parent should. Even if your father-in-law had an infant life jacket, you should never get in a boat navigated by someone who has been drinking.
Your father-in-law was talking through his beer and behaving like a spoiled child. You can't change him -- he is the only person who can do that. Keep your distance until he cleans up his act and apologizes.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Pro-Choice Grandma" has caused me to write my very first letter to you.
I, too, am a grandma, though only 60 years old. When my children were small, we discovered they suffered from brittle bone disease that caused their bones to break easily.
Our younger son was 5 when the first broken leg occurred. During that year, he broke his leg three times in less than nine months. To date, he has broken his legs a total of 22 times. He also broke his back and neck in an accident and is a paraplegic now.
Our older son has broken his legs six times. As soon as my boys were diagnosed with this condition, I promised myself I would not bring another child into this world to suffer as they have.
Abortions were not legal or acceptable in the early '60s, nor was permanent sterilization available for women in our area. We did everything we knew to prevent another pregnancy, but I knew in my heart that if indeed I did get pregnant again, I would not carry the baby to term. The good Lord blessed us by not forcing us to make that decision, but the fact that I might have had to have an abortion has enabled me to be more understanding of others who make the decision to end an unplanned pregnancy.
My younger son once told me that he would not have been able to forgive us for bringing him into this world, knowing he would suffer like he has. However, since we knew nothing of this condition until he was 5, he could not hold us responsible. He has chosen not to pass this condition on to his children. He has since married a lovely girl with two precious daughters who are now his children and our grandchildren. We are also blessed with two wonderful godchildren.
I join with those who are pro-choice, and agree that only the individual knows how much she can handle, and the decision should be hers to make. -- BLESSED GRANDMA IN KANSAS CITY, MO.
DEAR GRANDMA: Your letter proves once again that there are many circumstances that make it imperative that individuals be allowed to make a choice for themselves. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I want to join "Pro-Choice Grandma." Where is it written that the only "choice" pregnant women will make is abortion? Choice means just that -- the woman has a right to decide for herself, her body and her pregnancy. She might just as easily choose to have her baby, have it adopted or keep it herself.
The way I see it, I can be pro-choice and pro-life at the same time. I would make a CHOICE to keep my baby. My niece chose adoption when she was pregnant after a date rape. I might have counseled her (had she asked me) to have her baby, but if she had chosen abortion, I believe that would have been her affair.
Each person's pain or joy is her own. There's no reason why another person should claim the right to decide how things should be for another. The right to "choose" for one's self is an individual right. -- GRANNY IN LONG BEACH
DEAR GRANNY: Absolutely. And it is a right that women had to wage a vigorous and protracted battle to win. However, it is also a right that, if taken for granted, will surely be lost -- and no one should forget that fact.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sadness Over Teen's Suicide Is Knowing That Help Was There
DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from my godson's funeral. He committed suicide -- at age 18. He had been captain of both the football and basketball teams in high school, had lettered in a third sport and had graduated with honors. He was doing well as a college freshman, but to solve a temporary problem, he chose a solution that was final.
Abby, he was much loved, and the church was filled to overflowing with friends and family. The pastor was blunt. He said he was feeling anger, betrayal and sadness that a fine young man was gone. We lost a friend, a son, a brother. My godson didn't mean to hurt his family and friends, but he was unable to see past the dark hole of his own pain.
At the service, the pastor asked for a show of hands from people who would not mind a call in the night from a depressed friend who needed to talk. Every hand was raised without hesitation. Any of us would have helped my godson had he only called.
Depression, probably brought on by a chemical imbalance in the brain, is treatable. He could have been helped.
Among your many readers there are bound to be some who are seriously depressed and at suicide's door. Please -- whoever you are -- if you think suicide is the solution, you are wrong. Someone cares and can help you. Please reach out.
Life is a gift not to be wasted. Allow someone to help you so you can find the joy in life. -- SHARON LEWANDOWSKI, HASTINGS, MINN.
DEAR SHARON: Please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the tragic death of your godson. You are right -- depression often is the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain that can be corrected with treatment. People who are depressed have only to reach out. If they cannot confide in family or friends, they should call a crisis hotline to find support and direction to treatment. Someone is waiting to help.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a beautiful 1-year-old daughter and are very happy with our life. My problem? For many personal reasons, we have decided that our daughter is the only child we wish to have. When friends and co-workers ask me when we are having another child and I tell them we probably won't, the responses are incredibly rude -- from "You HAVE to have another child," to "It's mean, cruel, unfair, etc. to have only one child."
I am almost offended because this is an important life choice we have made, and these people are telling us we are wrong. I wouldn't think of telling them they have too many kids or they married a loser, etc., which are also life choices.
What I need is a polite, short response to this question so these people know that my personal life choices aren't up for judgment. How can I do this without being rude? -- INCENSED IN WYOMING
DEAR INCENSED: Try to keep uppermost in your mind that these well-meaning but insensitive individuals are just making conversation. The fact that asking when someone is going to enlarge his or her family is a potential minefield is lost to them.
The next time someone asks you when you're having another child, politely reply, "Our factory is closed." And if the person ventures an opinion about it, say, "Let's change the subject," or "Thank you for the input -- but we're happy with the decision we made."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)