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Story Behind Burial Plot May Be Gravely Incomplete
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column you printed a letter from "Outraged in the South," whose stepmother, upon her death, will have herself buried between "Outraged's" father and his first wife in the family burial plot.
You advised her that it would most likely be useless to try to talk this incredibly insensitive stepmother out of it. However, there is something that "Outraged" and her siblings can do. After the stepmother dies -- or, perhaps even better, before she dies -- the "children" can go together and have another inscription engraved on the stone underneath the first wife's name.
It could read: "She did it over our dead bodies -- Signed, The Children." -- DEE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DEE: Your suggestion is a hoot. Not everyone viewed the second wife's intentions as we did. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Outraged in the South," my stomach turned. Perhaps the stepmother should not have moved Dad over -- it is pretty gross. However, maybe the dad and stepmother discussed where they would like to be buried, and he chose to be next to her instead of in the middle because he had been married to her for at least 27 years. Over the course of those 27 years, I assume she loved him, cared for him and, most likely, nursed him through his last illness.
The youngest daughter was approximately 17 years old when her father married a much younger woman. He lived to be at least 90 years old. She should be grateful that they had such a long life together and were there for each other.
Give this woman a break. Unless she was a selfish witch, those adult children could use their time more productively. They should console their stepmother, as I am sure she is mourning. She is now approximately 65 years old, and I would expect she could use some "family" around her.
If you print this, please don't use my name. All the relatives live here. -- A CALIFORNIAN
DEAR CALIFORNIAN: You're right; there are usually two sides to every story. However, if the matter had been discussed between the father and his second wife, it would have been wise to have shared the burial plans with the adult children well in advance.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is planning a wedding in July. She would like to use silver and burgundy as her colors. Her soon-to-be mother-in-law said silver is used for second marriages. Is this true? -- NEEDS YOUR HELP IN UTAH
DEAR NEEDS: If that's true, it's the first time I've heard of it. Second-time brides often wear pastel colors -- or white with color in the trim of the garment or their accessories. If your daughter wants to use silver and burgundy for her wedding, the combination sounds fine to me.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "SEARCHING FOR HAPPINESS IN SAN FRANCISCO": Armchair philosopher Robert Cory said it best in his book, "Bottom Lines to Life": "Don't look for what makes you happy in life -- deal with what prevents you from it."
Marriage Was Wrong for Man Trying to Do the Right Thing
DEAR ABBY: Stop the press! The letter from "Soon to Be a Grandpa" describes the scenario I found myself in almost two years ago. She was pregnant after two months, and I, too, wanted to "do the right thing." We married after knowing each other five months.
If you think marrying someone you hardly know is stressful, wait until the birth of a child. I love my beautiful daughter with all my heart. However, my marriage to her mother was the most traumatic experience I have ever been through!
Abby, you were right on the money when you said that marriage can wait. The young man should not put himself in a bind to prove he is committed to the unborn child. That is what I did -- and it was the worst decision I've ever made. The divorce (we were married eight months) still causes much pain for me and everyone I know.
Things are finally starting to normalize. We have joint custody of our daughter.
Please tell "Soon to Be a Grandpa" to warn his son. I know the son feels like his relationship is different and he can make it work. I felt the same way.
He should enjoy his newborn and participate in his/her life as much as possible. But marriage is not the answer. If it turns out that their commitment to each other is genuine, best of luck to them! However, nothing is harmed by a little patience. -- LESSON LEARNED IN FLORIDA
DEAR LESSON LEARNED: I agree; a child should be raised in a home where the parents love each other.
DEAR ABBY: Please reprint the forms of government you had in your column a few years ago. I believe there was something about a cow in the explanation. -- A.P. IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.
DEAR A.P.: I'm happy to grant your request. My readers got a "kick" out of it then, and I have since had several requests for it. Read on:
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and sells you the milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both your cows, then shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other, then pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.
Abby, what happens in a democracy? -- MRS. J. MC C.
DEAR MRS. MC C.: In a democracy, everyone has two cows, then a vote is taken, and whatever the majority decides to do, you do, and that's no bull!
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Lifesaving in Theory Is Not Same as Lifesaving in Fact
DEAR ABBY: I think I'm losing my sanity -- or am I being extremely sensitive?
My husband of nine months and I were having a discussion recently regarding a newspaper article we had read about a man who drowned trying to save his wife in the ocean. Unable to swim, he dove in, trying to save the life of his love, and they both drowned.
I foolishly asked my husband if he would try to save me if I was drowning, and got a very unexpected response. He told me that if it appeared that both of us would drown, he would not jump in to save me.
We have one child together, and he is the stepfather to my three children. When I asked him if he'd jump in to try to save his infant son, he immediately replied, "Yes." When I asked him to explain why he wouldn't die trying to save the love of his life, he stated that in all lifesaving classes, people are taught to evaluate the situation (i.e., make sure the rescuer wouldn't also die) before trying to save another life.
I'm sorry, but I would die trying to save my four children or him, for that matter, even if I had less than a 1 percent chance of living through the ordeal. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't at least try to save a loved one.
Please tell me I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but something seems very wrong here. -- HURTING HEART
DEAR HURTING HEART: You are neither crazy nor hopeless. However, you should be aware that it is impossible for a person to project accurately what he or she "would" do in a life-threatening emergency. In other words, if your husband were to see you going down for the third time, there's no telling for certain that he wouldn't throw caution to the wind. And as you're the mother of four children, there's also no guarantee that you'd jeopardize your own safety to pull him from a burning building.
My advice to you, for the sake of your marriage, is to stop playing "What if?"
DEAR ABBY: My question concerns two stray cats, one male, one female, who appeared at my back door within the last year or so. Both are somewhat timid, but look as though they are in good health, aside from being very hungry. They don't bother my other cats, and it's no problem for me to feed and shelter them.
Here's the problem: Neither of these animals has been "fixed." I have made numerous attempts to find the owners, with newspaper ads and walking the neighborhood, but no one has come forward. I would like to take them both to the vet, but since I'm not sure there is an owner, I don't know if this is the "proper" thing to do.
I hate to think of the number of unwanted kittens that could be created because of this type of neglect, but do I have the right to do this to an animal that isn't really mine? -- KITTY LOVER
DEAR KITTY LOVER: If you are feeding and sheltering the cats, and no one in the neighborhood knows to whom they belong and no one has answered your newspaper ads -- then the cats were probably dumped or left behind by their owners. By all means have them neutered. You'll be doing your little furry friends an enormous favor -- not to mention acting like a responsible and generous adoptive parent. Bless you!
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