To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Marriage Was Wrong for Man Trying to Do the Right Thing
DEAR ABBY: Stop the press! The letter from "Soon to Be a Grandpa" describes the scenario I found myself in almost two years ago. She was pregnant after two months, and I, too, wanted to "do the right thing." We married after knowing each other five months.
If you think marrying someone you hardly know is stressful, wait until the birth of a child. I love my beautiful daughter with all my heart. However, my marriage to her mother was the most traumatic experience I have ever been through!
Abby, you were right on the money when you said that marriage can wait. The young man should not put himself in a bind to prove he is committed to the unborn child. That is what I did -- and it was the worst decision I've ever made. The divorce (we were married eight months) still causes much pain for me and everyone I know.
Things are finally starting to normalize. We have joint custody of our daughter.
Please tell "Soon to Be a Grandpa" to warn his son. I know the son feels like his relationship is different and he can make it work. I felt the same way.
He should enjoy his newborn and participate in his/her life as much as possible. But marriage is not the answer. If it turns out that their commitment to each other is genuine, best of luck to them! However, nothing is harmed by a little patience. -- LESSON LEARNED IN FLORIDA
DEAR LESSON LEARNED: I agree; a child should be raised in a home where the parents love each other.
DEAR ABBY: Please reprint the forms of government you had in your column a few years ago. I believe there was something about a cow in the explanation. -- A.P. IN SPARTANBURG, S.C.
DEAR A.P.: I'm happy to grant your request. My readers got a "kick" out of it then, and I have since had several requests for it. Read on:
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and gives you part of the milk.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both cows and sells you the milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. The government takes both your cows, then shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes both of them, shoots one, milks the other, then pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.
Abby, what happens in a democracy? -- MRS. J. MC C.
DEAR MRS. MC C.: In a democracy, everyone has two cows, then a vote is taken, and whatever the majority decides to do, you do, and that's no bull!
Lifesaving in Theory Is Not Same as Lifesaving in Fact
DEAR ABBY: I think I'm losing my sanity -- or am I being extremely sensitive?
My husband of nine months and I were having a discussion recently regarding a newspaper article we had read about a man who drowned trying to save his wife in the ocean. Unable to swim, he dove in, trying to save the life of his love, and they both drowned.
I foolishly asked my husband if he would try to save me if I was drowning, and got a very unexpected response. He told me that if it appeared that both of us would drown, he would not jump in to save me.
We have one child together, and he is the stepfather to my three children. When I asked him if he'd jump in to try to save his infant son, he immediately replied, "Yes." When I asked him to explain why he wouldn't die trying to save the love of his life, he stated that in all lifesaving classes, people are taught to evaluate the situation (i.e., make sure the rescuer wouldn't also die) before trying to save another life.
I'm sorry, but I would die trying to save my four children or him, for that matter, even if I had less than a 1 percent chance of living through the ordeal. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't at least try to save a loved one.
Please tell me I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but something seems very wrong here. -- HURTING HEART
DEAR HURTING HEART: You are neither crazy nor hopeless. However, you should be aware that it is impossible for a person to project accurately what he or she "would" do in a life-threatening emergency. In other words, if your husband were to see you going down for the third time, there's no telling for certain that he wouldn't throw caution to the wind. And as you're the mother of four children, there's also no guarantee that you'd jeopardize your own safety to pull him from a burning building.
My advice to you, for the sake of your marriage, is to stop playing "What if?"
DEAR ABBY: My question concerns two stray cats, one male, one female, who appeared at my back door within the last year or so. Both are somewhat timid, but look as though they are in good health, aside from being very hungry. They don't bother my other cats, and it's no problem for me to feed and shelter them.
Here's the problem: Neither of these animals has been "fixed." I have made numerous attempts to find the owners, with newspaper ads and walking the neighborhood, but no one has come forward. I would like to take them both to the vet, but since I'm not sure there is an owner, I don't know if this is the "proper" thing to do.
I hate to think of the number of unwanted kittens that could be created because of this type of neglect, but do I have the right to do this to an animal that isn't really mine? -- KITTY LOVER
DEAR KITTY LOVER: If you are feeding and sheltering the cats, and no one in the neighborhood knows to whom they belong and no one has answered your newspaper ads -- then the cats were probably dumped or left behind by their owners. By all means have them neutered. You'll be doing your little furry friends an enormous favor -- not to mention acting like a responsible and generous adoptive parent. Bless you!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
New Photo Technologies Bring Both Opportunities and Flaws
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to comment on a letter from the president of a large photo company. Even the great yellow father, Kodak, now makes digital cameras and programs to print them on one's own computer.
Any picture taken with the most expensive digital or automatic camera, down to the homemade Boy Scout cardboard camera, is a photograph.
Any color photograph will in time fade if left in sunlight or fluorescent light.
The ink in computer printers is heated to a high temperature before being blasted onto the receiving paper. The photos are being developed as high-tech as possible, and, as yet, have not been able to pass the test of time.
With the digital camera, a photograph can be taken, and in a matter of minutes be sent by e-mail to all parts of the world.
If anyone doubts the statements I have made, they can be verified with Kodak or Fuji films or Canon or Hewlett Packard. -- JOHN R. BURNS JR., CHESAPEAKE, VA.
DEAR JOHN: I received more than a few letters from individuals who thought that the letter I printed was biased -- and attempting to promote a business that is threatened by digital technology. I did not regard it that way, and printed it because I thought it would help people protect their photographic images.
DEAR ABBY: Mr. Robertson, the president of 1-Hour Photo Corp., made a very good point about backing up priceless family images with film negatives. What he neglected to say was that color prints, even properly stored, have a life expectancy far less than that of one human generation.
The solution? Black and white, of course. Black-and-white images, when printed on high-quality black-and-white photographic paper and developed properly, should last approximately 200 years. But I must caution your readers: Do not be taken in by processors who would tell you, "Black and white is black and white." Not so! Some developers are now printing black-and-white images on color photographic paper. Those images will fade as quickly as if they were printed from a color negative.
Of course, you should shoot the colorful balloons at your baby's first birthday party in color. But please take some black-and-white pictures, too. In a few years, the frosting on the birthday cake is going to look moldy in those color prints. When you must use color, nothing can beat slides. Prints can be made from them for albums, but the brilliantly projected image on a screen can't compare with passing around a 4-by-6-inch piece of paper.
"Monochrome" images can be oil-tinted, sepia-toned or left alone. But one thing is for sure: No matter the race of your family, the faces of your grandparents will never turn green or purple if they are preserved in black-and-white. -- DENNIS C. HUNT, FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR DENNIS: I'm sure many readers will be as surprised as I was to know that color prints have such a short "shelf life" -- and that they must be so specific about the kind of paper they want black-and-white pictures printed on. Thank you for the input.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)