What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter's Death Gives Life to Others Saved by Organs
DEAR ABBY: On Nov. 18, 1991, the life of my 17-year-old daughter, Karen, ended far too soon. Karen was a beautiful and compassionate girl, always thinking of others and how she could help them. Just as she had in life, Karen wanted to help others in death by being an organ donor. She had signed an organ donor card, but never discussed the issue with me.
My fear and ignorance of organ donation almost hindered the fulfillment of Karen's last wish. A very sympathetic and knowledgeable professional explained organ donation to me clearly, and addressed the objections I had that I now know were based on myths. Because of him, Karen's death was not in vain, and four people, including a 9-year-old boy, were given a new chance at life.
April 16 to 23 is National Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness Week. Today, my goal in life is not just to educate people about organ donation, but to make them aware of how important it is to discuss their wish to be an organ donor with loved ones. In most states, the signed organ donor card is a legal document, but the next of kin is always asked for permission.
Karen left a legacy by giving "the gift of life" to others, and it has helped turn my tears of sorrow into tears of joy. These gifts have enabled recipients to celebrate transplant birthdays while my family and I celebrate Karen's life.
Abby, I hope your readers will join our crusade to make sure everyone who needs an organ transplant receives one. -- BARBARA MUSTO, NATIONAL KIDNEY FOUNDATION DONOR FAMILY COUNCIL
DEAR BARBARA: Thank you for your eloquent reminder.
Readers: Please think carefully about becoming an organ donor, so someone can have life when yours is finished. If you haven't already signed donor forms and notified your family of your wishes, I can't think of a more suitable time to bring up the subject than National Organ and Tissue Donor Awareness Week. For a free organ donor card and answers to the most commonly asked questions about organ donation, call the National Kidney Foundation's toll-free number: 1-800-622-9010.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance canceled our wedding two weeks prior to the wedding. We are going our separate ways.
I am uncertain what to do with the wedding shower gifts I received four months ago. My fiance and I bought a home, which I will continue to live in, and some of the items have already been used. My family and close friends have indicated that they do not want their gifts returned, but I am concerned about the other gifts we received. (Two wedding gifts received in advance are being returned.)
I feel as though I should at least offer to return the gifts or reimburse each person. However, I can't be sure who gave me exactly what. The cards and receipts were removed from the boxes, and the gift list prepared at my shower is not very detailed.
With the shock and devastation of my relationship ending, I am still worried about proper etiquette. Please tell me how to handle this. -- L.A. IN BETHLEHEM, PA.
DEAR L.A.: The best way to handle this is in a straightforward manner. Call the shower guests and explain that the wedding is off -- and that the gift list from the shower is not as detailed as it ought to be. Then ask what each person's gift was -- and if it has been used, offer to reimburse the money. I predict that most of the givers will refuse the offer.
Stepmom Needs Ground Rules for Adult Children's Visits
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to comment on the letter from "Overwhelmed in Kentucky." She's the woman who married the widower whose grown "children" come to visit every six weeks.
I assume no grandchildren are coming to visit, since none were mentioned, which makes it even easier to resolve her dilemma. "Overwhelmed" needs to set some ground rules for visiting children. She could offer to fix breakfast each morning and let the children be responsible for the other meals. If the girls can't cook, how do they eat when they are not visiting their father? Do their husbands cook? They can always have lunch and dinner carry-out, or dine in at any neighboring restaurant -- splitting the bill, of course.
And who ever heard of the hostess doing laundry for her guests? My children were taught how to do their own laundry when they were old enough to reach the controls on the washer and dryer. As for "Overwhelmed" cleaning up after they are gone, that's ridiculous! What's wrong with the married children cleaning up after themselves -- changing bed linens to prepare for their next visit, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms they used and any other area of the house that they visited?
If "Overwhelmed's" husband has a problem with these ground rules, then I would recommend she follow your advice for an occasional weekend with friends to coincide with his children's visits. If she has to resort to leaving, I would hope that the company would leave the house as clean as they found it. -- AMAZED IN ARIZONA
DEAR AMAZED: Your suggestions are good ones. However, I suspect that "Overwhelmed" -- who has been married to her husband for only a couple of years, and inherited the "children" with the marriage -- is reluctant to assert herself because she's afraid she'll be categorized as the "wicked stepmother." That's why I recommended that part-time help be hired on those long weekends when the "kids" are visiting Dad. He earns enough money to afford it. (She mentioned his occupation, which I chose to omit.)
DEAR ABBY: I started calling my in-laws "Mom" and "Dad." When my mother found out, she became very upset. She stated that it was an insult to her because "they were not the people who bore or raised me."
I did not mean to insult my mother. I just meant it as a term of endearment for my in-laws. I'm curious as to what other couples call their in-laws. Do they call them "Mom" and "Dad" or by their first names? I need to know the proper etiquette. -- TROUBLED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR TROUBLED: It's sad that your mother is so insecure that your gesture of love and respect for your in-laws was perceived as threatening. Many people address their in-laws as "Mom" and "Dad." Others use their first names. Occasionally people invent pet names to call their in-laws. The most inventive I can recall was "MIL" and "FIL" -- for mother-in-law and father-in-law.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing on behalf of a widowed friend. I noticed that she is no longer wearing her wedding rings. When I asked her why, she said she was told that it is not proper for a widow or widower to continue to wear wedding rings. Could such a thing really be true? -- PATRICIA IN SEVERNA PARK, MD.
DEAR PATRICIA: No. Widowed people may continue to wear their wedding rings as long as they wish. However, when they are ready to entertain the idea of dating again, they either remove the wedding ring(s) or switch them to the right hand.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Wants to Cut Off Chapters From Husband's Endless Tales
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine complains that her husband, who's in his 80s, talks far too much in social settings. She says his ramblings and storytelling threaten to ruin their social life, which consists of small, private dinners and the occasional cocktail reception. She says if she doesn't shut him up, their friends will shun them because they've heard all his stories before. However, he has either forgotten this -- or relishes so much in the telling that he repeats them anyway.
To fix this, she's preparing a written list of subjects -- family, job, etc. -- that he's absolutely forbidden to discuss when they're socializing.
Some who know about this think it's a good idea and the only way for her to avoid more embarrassment and discomfort. Others feel it's an insult to her husband, and the real risk is not the couple's social standing, but her own marriage.
Who's right? -- CURIOUS IN KENTUCKY
DEAR CURIOUS: I wish you had given me more information in your letter. Was the husband always this way? Could it be that he's become forgetful, or has had some small stroke? Or is he just a chatterbox who loves the sound of his own voice? At the very least, he needs a complete physical and mental status examination.
It's unrealistic to believe this man will carry his wife's list with him at all times and consult it before opening his mouth. Besides, true friends will reflect upon his positive traits and the friendship he has bestowed upon them in the past if his stories are repetitive or boring. And there is no law that says topics that have been discussed before can't be discussed again.
Whether the marriage will withstand her criticism depends upon the extent of his tolerance for her criticism. But he's a little old to trade her in.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the letter from the woman in Grand Prairie, Texas, who was a victim of "drug rape."
I am a deputy district attorney in San Diego, and her history is all too familiar. We see a number of cases just like hers, and she is right -- they are very difficult to prosecute. That is why the San Diego district attorney's office is launching a rape awareness campaign designed to educate young women about the dangers of drug- and alcohol-facilitated rape. The campaign consists of television and radio ads, posters, billboards and literature. Our hopes are that young women will become more aware of these dangerous predators out there who appear harmless. They are, simply put: RAPISTS.
Whether a victim was raped because she was surreptitiously slipped a drug or she took the drugs voluntarily, rape is rape. So, if you and your friends go out for the evening, watch out for each other. If a friend looks like she's had too much to drink, or looks like she can't take care of herself, take care of her -- before someone else does.
And if, despite your best precautions, you become a victim -- please go to your local police and report this crime. -- LISA WEINREB, DEPUTY D.A., SAN DIEGO
DEAR LISA: I applaud you for your rape awareness campaign, and hope other communities will follow suit. While I agree that a rape victim should report her assault to the police, I would also advise her to head straight for the nearest emergency room so she can be treated and evidence can be collected.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)