What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TEEN DRIVERS MUST KNOW HOW TO ACT IF STOPPED BY POLICE
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are the parents of three college-age children, all of whom drive their own cars. We are law-abiding citizens who have no trouble with the law. The town we live in has been designated a high-crime area by the county police, so it is not uncommon to see cars pulled over, not only for minor traffic violations, but also for "suspicious" behavior.
My concern as a parent is that most young people don't know how to act if they are stopped by police. Of course, they are expected to answer all questions respectfully. However, do they know that if they reach into their pockets for a license or identification, they might be perceived as reaching for a weapon? Shouldn't they learn this in school as part of a health and safety course?
Recently my children and a few friends were relating experiences of being stopped by the police. I was appalled to hear about some of the encounters these kids have had. My sons and their friends were grabbed from a vehicle, thrown up against the car and searched, just because the driver had started to reach for his wallet. My daughter was yelled at and ridiculed because she began trembling, and then was told she was in "no condition" to drive and must contact a parent.
By the way, we are not part of a minority group, so this was not racial profiling -- and my children dress conservatively. I have always taught them respect for authority, including the police, but I expect that same respect from police in return. -- GAIL FROM BRENTWOOD, N.Y.
DEAR GAIL: I, too, was taught as a child that "the policeman is our friend"; it's a lesson I passed on to my children. While that is still true in most cases today, the availability of illegal weapons has made the job of policing more dangerous than it was a generation or two ago. Call it self-protection or paranoia -- police now fear for their lives when they make routine traffic stops.
I agree that young people should know exactly how to respond if they are pulled over by police. Their parents should instruct them: One's hands should be in plain sight at all times. If there is a need to reach into a pocket or purse, or to open a glove compartment or trunk, the officer should be asked for permission first.
You mentioned that your children's experience was not the result of racial profiling. In many cases it IS. The American Civil Liberties Union has mounted a campaign to bring attention to this problem, and thanks to the activism of people of color who have come forward with their stories, politicians and law enforcement officers are beginning to take notice.
Hundreds of law enforcement agencies have agreed to collect data on the race and ethnicity of the people they stop, which is the first step in dealing with the problem. Bills requiring police to collect data on traffic stops have passed in several states and are on their way to becoming law in others. It's a welcome step in the right direction.
NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE PHILLIPS, MY PRECIOUS FIRSTBORN: Happy birthday and many more!
Women's Survival Made Easier With Booklets From Uncle Sam
DEAR ABBY: Because your name is synonymous with good advice, we wanted to share with you and your readers some of Uncle Sam's best advice for today's woman.
The "Women's Consumer Survival Kit" is a free package of up to 20 federal consumer booklets tailored especially for women by the Consumer Information Center. This free package is designed to help empower women to take positive control of their lives. The booklets contain vital information for staying healthy, taking medicines, buying a home, investing, getting federal benefits and handling consumer complaints.
Abby, we appreciate your assistance in getting this valuable consumer information to your readers, but please tell them to place their orders now, because supplies are limited. -- TERESA NAVARRO NASIF, DIRECTOR, U.S. CONSUMER INFORMATION CENTER
DEAR TERESA: Your offer proves the truth of the saying, "The best things in life are free!" I have reviewed the booklets you are offering, and they're chock-full of information on food and women's health, home and finance, Social Security and Medicare.
There are three ways to order the "Women's Consumer Survival Kit":
1. Call toll-free: 1-888-878-3256 weekdays 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. Eastern time, and ask for the Women's Consumer Survival Kit.
2. Send name and address to "Women's Consumer Survival Kit," Pueblo, CO 81009.
3. Go online to check out and order it through the Consumer Information Center's Web site at www.pueblo.gsa.gov. While you are there, you can read, print out or save any publication on the site for free.
Readers, the survival kits will be sent at no cost to you -- no postage, no fees. God bless America!
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Ric," and I share a home and a child, and very soon a marriage certificate. When his best friend was married last fall, Ric was asked to be a part of the wedding party. However, when the invitation arrived, I was not included. I took his suit to the cleaners for the rehearsal party, picked up his tuxedo, shopped for the wedding gift (which cost more than expected), and sat at home with our son all weekend while he participated in the festivities, without complaining.
Since the wedding, his friend and his new bride have invited Ric to participate in various other outings with them -- and, you guessed it -- they have conveniently forgotten to include me, or to even acknowledge that I am a significant part of his life.
I have since told Ric that their lack of tact bothers me, but he continues to participate solo, I continue to sit at home and wait, and his friends continue to exclude me. Am I wrong to be hurt by this inconsiderate behavior, or to feel as if he has betrayed me by letting this continue? -- TIRED OF BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED, NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR TIRED: Since you share a home and a child together, it should have been clear to your fiance's friends a long time ago that he is in a committed relationship. And that means you should have been included in the invitations. You are being treated with disrespect and lack of consideration.
The person to blame for this is Ric. It is long past the point where he should have made clear to his friends that you are a couple, and if they want his company, you are part of the package. Ask him why he has allowed you to be excluded, and why he is socializing without you. Listen closely to his answer. If Ric isn't willing to put a stop to it now, you'd be wise to rethink marrying him, because I predict he'll make your future miserable.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOM THANKFUL THAT SON VIEWS MARRIAGE AS EQUAL PARTNERSHIP
DEAR ABBY: I feel the need to respond to "Curious," regarding who should write thank-you notes. When my son and his wife were married, they decided that it would be a joint effort, with each responding to the gifts from their own family and friends, and working together on those for mutual friends. I had several of my friends and family members compliment me on what wonderful thank-you notes they received -- and they were very impressed that he had written them.
When he was young, I impressed upon him the fact that household responsibilities are for all who live in the home, not designated to certain genders. I came from a home with all sisters, and we helped with all duties. His father came from a home with all brothers, and I know he would never write a thank-you note because this would have never been expected in his family. I am proud and pleased that my son assumes and shares all responsibilities with his spouse. The husband of "Curious" needs to get a clue! -- PROUD MOTHER IN OGDEN, UTAH
DEAR PROUD MOTHER: Orchids to you. You have done your job well, and you deserve to be proud. Whether it's conscious or unconscious, mothers have tremendous influence on the attitudes they impart to their sons -- and you seem to have imparted a sense of gender neutrality to yours.
DEAR ABBY: Last summer, my Cadillac "died" amidst busy traffic in a rundown area of town. I had to walk quite a ways before finding a telephone to summon help. When I returned to the car, I "directed" traffic around it for at least 45 minutes.
During that time, 17 people stopped and offered to push my vehicle to the curb or phone for assistance. I thanked them all, but said help was on the way. One lady even offered to let me sit in her air-conditioned car to wait, as it was a hot day. When I refused with thanks, she handed me a cold can of pop!
Finally a nice man parked on a side street, walked back and said he wanted to help me, even though I said help was coming. He replied, "If my mother were in trouble, I would want someone to help her!" Then he got my car started and insisted on following me all the way to the Cadillac agency (at least 10 blocks). These wonderful good Samaritans all stopped during their busy day to help a stranger!
I am a 67-year-old Caucasian woman, Abby, and 16 of those 17 people who stopped were black. When my local paper chose not to print this, I hoped that you would. It is a true testament of compassion, when all we seem to read about is the bad side of life. -- ANN ALDRICH, COLUMBUS, OHIO
DEAR ANN: Thank you for pointing out that there are caring, concerned people in every neighborhood. The level of affluence has nothing to do with it, and neither does the skin color of the residents.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "LIVING LIFE TO THE FULLEST": "Live all you can; it's a mistake not to. It doesn't so much matter what you do in particular so long as you have your life." (Henry James, 1843-1916)
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)