To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pro Choice Grandma Cites Early Tragedy, Later Joy
DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old Republican woman. I attended high school with fewer than 300 students in the late '40s. Two young women died of botched abortions, devastating their families and friends. (Abortions were illegal then.)
When my own children were in high school in the '70s, a young couple who were "going steady" became pregnant. They terminated the pregnancy early on at a reputable clinic. Few knew about it. The relationship ended after a few months. Both went on to graduate from college, marry others, and now have stable families with two and three children respectively.
My grandson is the result of a caring birth mother choosing to place the child she could not care for up for adoption -- thereby giving happiness to the child as well as to our family.
The key word is "choice." Only the girl/woman should make the decision to have an abortion or carry the pregnancy to term and keep the child or place the baby for adoption. The decision should NOT be up to self-righteous, ambitious politicians. -- PRO-CHOICE GRANDMA
DEAR GRANDMA: Right on! Only the individual knows how much she can handle, and the decision should be hers to make. The key word is, indeed, "choice."
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the reply you gave the young woman signed "Scared to Speak Up." She was 19 years old, recently married and expecting her first baby. Her parents claimed they would disown her if she became pregnant before age 24. They also expect her to repay the money they spent on her college education.
Your response for her to be responsible and begin paying back the money is ludicrous! Parents should not manipulate an adult daughter to do exactly as they want her to. Life has many twists and turns. It does not always follow a script that the parents have laid out. Her parents were willing to pay for her education in the beginning. Was there a signed contract stating she could not marry before her degree was acquired?
The parents should realize that a marriage and expected child need not be the end of the road for their daughter's formal education. Eventually she will probably decide to continue it. She and her husband will have enough expenses to worry about without this silly demand from her parents. How controlling and manipulative can parents be to dictate they will disown their daughter if she gets pregnant before they think she should?
Her parents deserve a kick in the rear, as well as a message to stop dictating how their daughter should live her life. Abby, you goofed on your reply. -- DONNA KOPITZKE, HUDSON, WIS.
DEAR DONNA: While I agree that the girl's parents are controlling, I disagree that I goofed on my reply.
The young woman dropped out of school as a freshman to marry someone her parents disapprove of so greatly they refused to attend the wedding. Since I don't know the young man, I can only assume that the bride's parents -- right or wrong -- believe the marriage won't last. That's the reason they tried to blackmail their daughter into waiting before starting a family.
As for paying back the money that was invested in her first year of college -- the girl has already refused to do so. However, were she to attempt to repay it, I'm sure they would respect her for making the effort, whether or not she was able to reimburse the entire amount.
FREQUENT FAMILY WEEKENDS ARE WEARING STEPMOTHER OUT
DEAR ABBY: I am 57. Two years ago, I married a widower with four grown children. This is my second marriage. We moved to Louisville when my husband accepted a lucrative job here.
My dilemma is his four children. Three of them have spouses. Approximately every six weeks, all seven of them visit for a three-day weekend. Abby, they are wearing me out from cooking (none of the girls cook), picking up after them and doing mounds of laundry. After they leave, it takes me three days to clean up the house and recover.
I love my husband and have told him that I just can't do it anymore. He is upset with me and makes me feel like I am keeping him from his children. I have offered to host Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, which is all I can handle. I'm at the point that I dread the holidays.
I have two children of my own and two grandchildren. I love to see them, but not every six weeks! I visit -- or they visit -- every three to four months, which is enough for me.
Abby, please tell me how to handle the situation without being the "wicked stepmother." -- OVERWHELMED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR OVERWHELMED: It is unfair for your husband to expect you to be cook and housemaid for houseguests that frequently. In order to lighten the burden on you, your husband should agree to hire part-time help during the weekends when his children descend upon you, so you'll have the time and energy to enjoy their company, too.
An alternative might be for you and your husband to visit his children on alternating holidays.
You deserve a break once in a while; consider planning an occasional weekend with friends to coincide with his children's visits.
DEAR ABBY: I am now in my third year of marriage to my husband. We have a daughter who is a year old. Unfortunately, it has become painfully clear that we do not have even one interest in common. My husband could survive to the end of his days with a bed, a computer, a television and a VCR.
I have accepted the fact that this man will never take the world by storm because of his complete lack of ambition. What I can no longer accept is that he has no respect for anyone. He seems to lack a fundamental concern, compassion and respect for other human beings. On top of this, he is sneaky. His work ethic is low, and he categorizes people who enjoy their work as "workaholics who work and one day die." He lacks passion, has no hobbies outside of TV and computers, and could not be less enthused about life.
During the holidays, my mom kills herself to lay out a spread that makes the Ritz pale by comparison, and each year my husband shows up in jeans and a sweatshirt. When I ask him each year to please pack something nice, he gets an attitude. The kicker is that she tries hard each time he is coming to prepare the things he likes. He treats his own mother the same way. She laughs it off and seems to take his lack of manners in stride.
Is there any hope of changing someone who doesn't care what others think of him, or what his actions do in regard to other people's feelings? -- STUMPED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR STUMPED: Sorry -- you are fighting a losing battle. There is no way to help someone who is not willing to help himself. But if any of my readers have managed to "raise the dead," I'll pass along their input.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Fears Husband in Sales Is Buying Secretary's Pitch
DEAR ABBY: My husband is national sales manager for a company that participates in frequent out-of-town trade shows. These events are held in luxurious hotels and involve entertaining clients in posh restaurants.
Lately, he has been inviting his secretary, who is half his age (and mine), to these shows -- even though she is not in sales and has no role there other than being agreeable to customers. That was formerly my role, but I seem to have been replaced.
Although she has women friends in the company, she regularly has lunch with my husband unless he is otherwise engaged. They share a small office where they chat about much besides business, including our personal life. Opinions I have confided in him get back to me through her other acquaintances.
I think that the relationship has passed from professional into intimate, but my husband says I'm crazy. He thinks only a sexual relationship is "intimate," but I think emotional intimacy often evolves into a sexual relationship, and an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Do you think I'm wrong? -- FEELING REPLACED IN ATLANTA
DEAR FEELING REPLACED: I think you are 100 percent right, and if your husband's secretary is accompanying him on business trips and assuming the role you once played, it may already have crossed the line. I have often said that the most erotic organ in the human body is the human ear -- and if he's filling hers with intimate details about your marriage, that in itself is a betrayal.
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing my letter about having been thanked for my service in the war, and for your supportive comments. It was reassuring to read them, for I was a bit concerned after writing to you -- it was such an impulsive act.
I had intended to send the letter to my local newspaper, but then I thought that if this gesture of thanks meant so much to me, it might be of comfort to veterans nationwide. The same day that the letter appeared in your column, I received two telephone calls from the East Coast!
Several letters and calls of thanks have been received since. The thought that many other persons may have read the letter and then taken the time to thank a veteran has been most rewarding.
I intend to respond to everyone who has contacted me. Abby, I believe that you and I have touched the heart and conscience of this nation. On behalf of those veterans whose services have been recognized, I thank you again. -- OSCAR ORTIZ, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR OSCAR: I, too, believe your letter touched the heart and conscience of this nation. Since your letter appeared in my column, I have received many dozens of letters from veterans who have been thanked for their service to our country -- and the letters are still pouring in. They touched MY heart, each and every one!
CONFIDENTIAL TO 'CUTTING A FEW CORNERS' IN COLUMBIA, MD.: I'd advise against it. The saddest day in the life of a man is when he's sure he's discovered a way to make money without working for it.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)