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Toddler Fixes Youthful Sights on Rival for Mom's Affection
DEAR ABBY: I am dating a lovely 29-year-old woman who has a 3-year-old son. We are both very much in love, but the boy is extremely unruly when I am around. My girlfriend is getting tired of having to discipline him all the time. He misbehaves in stores and restaurants and embarrasses us both.
Frankly, it is starting to have an impact on our relationship. She says that he only acts up when I am around. Is there anything I should do so that this doesn't destroy our relationship? -- JASON IN GLENDALE
DEAR JASON: Your girlfriend's son may be only 3, but he's not stupid. He recognizes a rival for his mother's affection, and is doing everything he can at his tender age to drive you away.
I recommend a visit to your local library or the nearest bookstore. Much has been written about "blended families." Also, a short series of sessions with a therapist who specializes in child psychology would give you insight into reassuring the little boy and would be money well spent.
DEAR ABBY: This is my first letter to you, but after reading several letters recently regarding the etiquette of name placement for newly married ladies, I had to write.
I have a son who went the extra mile and had HIS last name changed to his wife's. How many men do you think would be willing to do that? You wouldn't believe the red tape and disbelieving looks he got when he went through the process of having his name legally changed. It was almost as if his masculinity was in question!
He and his wife are both proudly serving our country in the U.S. Army, stationed in Fort Bragg, N.C., and I'm very proud to be the mom of two of our finest soldiers. -- JODY HAHN, ADVANCE, MO.
DEAR JODY: Although a man changing his name to that of his wife's is unusual, it is not unheard of. I believe the practice originated in England, when men married into families that had no male heir to carry on the name.
Today the "name game" has many variations. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Shirley B. from Roswell, N.M." about how a woman should change her name when she marries was good information -- but presented only half the equation. There are many of us men who choose to hyphenate our last names with those of our wives. As a married couple, we share our money, our home, our bed, our hearts and souls -- why not our names?
For me, it was a matter of practicality. We both wanted to have the same last name and saw no reason why we shouldn't. Also, by using both names, our children could have the last name of both of us.
After my family's initial shock (which they quickly got over), the only problem I've encountered is that it's a bit awkward filling out forms with my "maiden name." -- DANIEL SAPON-BORSON, A HAPPY HYPHENATED HUSBAND IN PORTLAND DEAR DANIEL: If this idea takes hold, creators of forms will have to change the designation to "surname or maiden name" to accommodate secure gentlemen such as yourself. Now that women are coming into their own, it's encouraging to know that some men are willing to meet them halfway. Bless you all.
DEAR ABBY: I recently received the enclosed creed and enjoyed it very much. I thought perhaps you and your readers would be inspired by it, too. -- MRS. N.J.S. IN WESTERN SPRINGS, ILL.
DEAR MRS. S.: Thank you for sharing it. I can see why it inspired you, and I'm sure it will make many other people stop and think. Read on:
A CREED TO LIVE BY by Nancy Sim
Don't underestimate your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Don't set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart. Cling to them as you would your life, for without them, life is meaningless.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you will live all the days of your life.
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Don't be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; the fastest way to lose love is to hold to it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Don't dismiss your dreams; to be without dreams is to be without hope; to be without hope is to be without purpose.
Don't run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you're going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored each and every step of the way.
DEAR ABBY: I can't top the letter from the lady in the body cast who was receiving obscene telephone calls, but I do have a tale about weird phone calls.
In 1967, I was hired as a claims examiner at the unemployment insurance office in my hometown. Since ours was the only listing in the phone directory under our unusual last name, I was advised to have our home number changed and unlisted. Unfortunately, I procrastinated. Then I began getting evening calls from men asking for a half-dozen or so girls by name. ("Candy" was the most popular.) They usually hung up if my husband answered -- and he finally began to look askance at me!
One morning before I left for work, I received a call from a collection agent demanding payment on a long overdue bill. Armed with a first and last name, I grabbed the phone book and found our number listed to that woman's name. Her address? Smack dab in the middle of our city's red light district! Quick action by the telephone company saved our marriage; we're still together after 41 years.
Please don't reveal my location or name. Just ... CALL ME 'MADAM'
DEAR 'MADAM': Bravo! And "Candy is dandy" -- and probably long "retired." Your letter is a compelling lesson to those who procrastinate.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Young Parents Can't Conceive of Goals Beyond Making Babies
DEAR ABBY: Over the past few years, I have noticed more and more reports of young people -- some barely into high school -- who seem to have no higher goal in life than making babies of their own.
Those I've talked to don't seem to realize how much tougher it will be to go on to college and take up a career while also having to care for a child. They don't believe that life can bring them anything better than their current situation and think that having babies is their only option.
Abby, for all its faults, this is still a great country we live in, filled with opportunities for those able and willing to take advantage of them. Getting a good education and NOT having kids when you're young is a step in the right direction. Without the responsibilities of parenthood, young people have the freedom to travel, gain more life experience, and then are able to share these with their children as they grow up.
Please keep spreading the word, Abby. Having kids is a responsibility that should not be taken lightly. -- STEVE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR STEVE: That's true. Professionals who work with young adults have observed that those who start a family during their teen years tend to see no possibility of a brighter future ahead. Conversely, teens who understand that a higher education and a career that pays more than minimum wage are possible for themselves are more inclined to postpone childbearing.
So, you see -- hope is a most effective contraceptive!
DEAR ABBY: I read your column most every day and enjoy it very much. I must tell you about an obscene telephone call I received about 8 o'clock one morning. There was heavy breathing and then a deep voice said, "I want your body." To which I replied, "Have you seen it lately?" The caller hung up immediately, never to call again. -- GINGER IN VENTURA, CALIF.
DEAR GINGER: Your letter broke me up. However, in a more serious vein, my readers should take note of the following:
DEAR ABBY: I feel that your compliment to "Frankly Boring" on how she handled her obscene telephone caller warrants further examination.
First of all, she played right into the caller's hands by inviting conversation. Next she informed the caller that she was the only adult in the house. Then she implied that she was lonely, being "cooped up with two kids under the age of 4."
As a retired police officer and author of the "Domestic Violence Survival Guide" (Looseleaf Law Publications Inc., Flushing, N.Y.), I advise readers to HANG UP IMMEDIATELY and REPEATEDLY whenever they receive a bogus phone call.
Even with automatic redial, a caller will tire of trying to bait someone who refuses to be baited. Hope this helps. -- CLIFF MARIANI, HUDSON, FLA.
DEAR CLIFF: You're right. The woman did disclose too much personal information about herself and her circumstances, and it could have led to an escalation of her problem. Fortunately, however, her unorthodox solution worked because she never heard from the caller again. Victims of obscene callers should take note of your advice -- it was more carefully thought-out than mine.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)