For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
One Patient's Plea for Mercy Is Echoed by Countless Others
DEAR ABBY: I have kept the enclosed column of yours for many years. It is yellowed and frayed at the edges, but it carries a strong message that many people are unable or unwilling to hear. Would you please print it again? -- GERTRUDE IN VERO BEACH
DEAR GERTRUDE: Here it is. Many people identify with its message. Read on:
LET ME GO
Pardon me, doctor, but may I die?
I know your oath requires you to try to keep me alive
So long as my body is warm and there is a breath of life.
But listen, Doc, I've buried my spouse,
My children are grown and on their own.
My friends are all gone, and I want to go, too.
No mortal man should keep me here
When the call from Him is unmistakably clear.
I DESERVE the right to slip quietly away.
My work is done and I am tired.
Your motives are noble, but now I pray,
You can read in my eyes what my lips can't say.
Listen to my heart and you'll hear it cry,
Pardon me, Doc, but may I die?
DEAR READERS: If people (of any age) are enjoying their lives and want to live, fine -- keep them comfortable and happy as possible, but those who can no longer find any joy in life should not be forced to go on living.
Before you or a loved one reach a critical stage of illness, a durable power of attorney for health care form (or whatever form is applicable for your state) should be filled out and placed in your medical records. Appropriate forms are available in most hospitals.
With this document you designate a family member or friend to carry out your wishes if you are unable to make medical decisions for yourself. The form tells physicians in advance whether you want them to perform "heroic measures" to keep you alive if you are in a coma and will never regain consciousness, or have no hope for a meaningful quality of life.
DEAR ABBY: My parents will be celebrating their 50th anniversary this month. I am interested in any ideas you might have to make the party unique. I have three small girls ages 7, 5 and 3 who might be able to do a small performance, etc. Any ideas? -- STUCK IN 2000
DEAR STUCK: Yes. The "girls" could sing, "Happy Anniversary to you" (three times in unison), take a bow, then smile sweetly, and leave the audience begging for more!
Boyfriend's Family Invitation Will Be Opportunity to Learn
DEAR ABBY: I am an inexperienced college student in need of relationship advice. I am involved with a wonderful man who attends the same college. We are deeply in love; however, our hometowns are on opposite sides of the country.
This summer, I may have the opportunity to work in his area. His family has graciously invited me to live at their home, which would lower my living expenses considerably. It would also be a wonderful chance to spend time with him and his family. As this relationship is nearly my first, I realize my naivete could get me into trouble.
I feel miserable at the idea of being away from him all summer, so I don't want to turn down the offer. Are there any reasons why living with his family for 10 weeks could threaten or damage our relationship? Let me know if you think I may be getting in over my head. -- OPTIMISTIC IN OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR OPTIMISTIC: If you and this young man are serious about each other, spending the summer with his family will give them a terrific opportunity to get to know you -- and you to see the environment in which he was raised. Since you have mentioned no objection from your parents, and it's always wise to "look before you leap," go for it. At the very least, it will be a valuable learning experience.
DEAR ABBY: My wife works for a small company with fewer than 12 people. We want to have a party, but there is one employee I don't want to invite because she never stops talking, is loud and opinionated on every subject, and says vulgar things in mixed company. We don't consider her a friend.
My wife is afraid it would be wrong not to invite everyone. What do you think? -- PARTY PLANNER IN L.A.
DEAR PARTY PLANNER: If you were planning a party and inviting social friends, then it would be appropriate to invite only those you wish to attend. However, since you and your wife plan to have an "office party," every employee should be included.
If this opinionated co-worker got wind of the fact that she'd been excluded, your wife would hear about it -- loud and clear -- for months to come.
DEAR ABBY: My just-turned-18-year-old daughter wants to go away for a weekend with her 19-year-old boyfriend of six months. His 22-year-old brother and girlfriend are going to a family-owned ski cabin for a weekend and want his brother and my daughter to go along.
We said no; my daughter thinks we're ancient and sees nothing wrong with it. They are not sexually active. What do you say, Abby? Are we ancient? -- DAD
DEAR DAD: You're not ancient; you're prudent. Your daughter is an adult, but if she is living in your home, you have the right to set the rules. She may not be sexually active, but the most effective way to avoid temptation is to avoid situations that may be tempting.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Daughter With Down Syndrome Is More Than Just One of 'Them'
DEAR ABBY: My daughter has Down syndrome. While I was still grieving over this fact, the kindest people were the ones who commented on her beautiful eyes. I didn't know if they knew she had Down's, and I didn't care. She has beautiful eyes, and I was grateful for the compliment.
Now when we go out in public, we are often approached by people who just have to show us how smart they are because they recognize Down syndrome. This is not a kindness! Don't tell me my daughter's wonderful personality is because "they" are "all so sweet." My daughter is a wonderful individual, not part of the great "they." She is also not deaf!
If people want to be kind, they should be kind. But don't tell us about their experiences with individuals who have Down syndrome. I don't tell them my experiences with insensitive jerks.
Abby, if you could print this, and if some people become aware of the hurt they cause, my daughter, other people with disabilities and I might all have less trouble navigating the stream of well-meaning, but hurtful, people. Thank you. -- HURT IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HURT: You have said it very well. Thank you for a great letter.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a terrific woman for about a year. She's a musician, divorced and the mother of three. We're dance partners. She and I have had an up-and-down relationship, with occasional breakups over our age difference. I am 29 and she is 15 years older. She wants me to get to know her family. I want the freedom to see other women.
Each time we have gotten back together, it has been because I want to dance only with her. However, one thing usually leads to another, and after a month of dancing, we are lovers again. She's taught me more about love and life than all the women I had dated before put together.
She's after me again to spend some time with her children. This is one of the issues that led us to break up before. After our last breakup, I have never come to grips with the age and lifestyle difference.
Abby, the bond I feel with her is very strong, but I feel that a more traditional relationship with another woman would be better for me in the long run. We can never have a family of our own, and although I don't want one right now, it still bothers me.
Am I right to continue exploring this relationship knowing that there may be someone younger out there for me? -- DOING THE TEXAS TWO-STEP
DEAR DOING THE TWO-STEP: Since you do not see a future with this woman, do her a favor and level with her. Feeling as you do, it's time to change partners and move on before you waste any more of her time -- or yours.
DEAR ABBY: I, too, am of the old-fashioned mind-set when it comes to manners. However, it is not easy to remain so.
Just the other day I opened a door for a woman about to enter. With a caustic look, she remarked, "Are you opening the door just because I'm a woman?" Taken somewhat aback, I was compelled to say, "No -- it was because of your age!" She didn't say another word. -- STILL OPENING DOORS, 29 PALMS, CALIF.
DEAR STILL OPENING DOORS: Funny -- but naughty. I hope you don't leave ALL women speechless.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)