For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter With Down Syndrome Is More Than Just One of 'Them'
DEAR ABBY: My daughter has Down syndrome. While I was still grieving over this fact, the kindest people were the ones who commented on her beautiful eyes. I didn't know if they knew she had Down's, and I didn't care. She has beautiful eyes, and I was grateful for the compliment.
Now when we go out in public, we are often approached by people who just have to show us how smart they are because they recognize Down syndrome. This is not a kindness! Don't tell me my daughter's wonderful personality is because "they" are "all so sweet." My daughter is a wonderful individual, not part of the great "they." She is also not deaf!
If people want to be kind, they should be kind. But don't tell us about their experiences with individuals who have Down syndrome. I don't tell them my experiences with insensitive jerks.
Abby, if you could print this, and if some people become aware of the hurt they cause, my daughter, other people with disabilities and I might all have less trouble navigating the stream of well-meaning, but hurtful, people. Thank you. -- HURT IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR HURT: You have said it very well. Thank you for a great letter.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a terrific woman for about a year. She's a musician, divorced and the mother of three. We're dance partners. She and I have had an up-and-down relationship, with occasional breakups over our age difference. I am 29 and she is 15 years older. She wants me to get to know her family. I want the freedom to see other women.
Each time we have gotten back together, it has been because I want to dance only with her. However, one thing usually leads to another, and after a month of dancing, we are lovers again. She's taught me more about love and life than all the women I had dated before put together.
She's after me again to spend some time with her children. This is one of the issues that led us to break up before. After our last breakup, I have never come to grips with the age and lifestyle difference.
Abby, the bond I feel with her is very strong, but I feel that a more traditional relationship with another woman would be better for me in the long run. We can never have a family of our own, and although I don't want one right now, it still bothers me.
Am I right to continue exploring this relationship knowing that there may be someone younger out there for me? -- DOING THE TEXAS TWO-STEP
DEAR DOING THE TWO-STEP: Since you do not see a future with this woman, do her a favor and level with her. Feeling as you do, it's time to change partners and move on before you waste any more of her time -- or yours.
DEAR ABBY: I, too, am of the old-fashioned mind-set when it comes to manners. However, it is not easy to remain so.
Just the other day I opened a door for a woman about to enter. With a caustic look, she remarked, "Are you opening the door just because I'm a woman?" Taken somewhat aback, I was compelled to say, "No -- it was because of your age!" She didn't say another word. -- STILL OPENING DOORS, 29 PALMS, CALIF.
DEAR STILL OPENING DOORS: Funny -- but naughty. I hope you don't leave ALL women speechless.
Pro Choice Grandma Cites Early Tragedy, Later Joy
DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old Republican woman. I attended high school with fewer than 300 students in the late '40s. Two young women died of botched abortions, devastating their families and friends. (Abortions were illegal then.)
When my own children were in high school in the '70s, a young couple who were "going steady" became pregnant. They terminated the pregnancy early on at a reputable clinic. Few knew about it. The relationship ended after a few months. Both went on to graduate from college, marry others, and now have stable families with two and three children respectively.
My grandson is the result of a caring birth mother choosing to place the child she could not care for up for adoption -- thereby giving happiness to the child as well as to our family.
The key word is "choice." Only the girl/woman should make the decision to have an abortion or carry the pregnancy to term and keep the child or place the baby for adoption. The decision should NOT be up to self-righteous, ambitious politicians. -- PRO-CHOICE GRANDMA
DEAR GRANDMA: Right on! Only the individual knows how much she can handle, and the decision should be hers to make. The key word is, indeed, "choice."
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to the reply you gave the young woman signed "Scared to Speak Up." She was 19 years old, recently married and expecting her first baby. Her parents claimed they would disown her if she became pregnant before age 24. They also expect her to repay the money they spent on her college education.
Your response for her to be responsible and begin paying back the money is ludicrous! Parents should not manipulate an adult daughter to do exactly as they want her to. Life has many twists and turns. It does not always follow a script that the parents have laid out. Her parents were willing to pay for her education in the beginning. Was there a signed contract stating she could not marry before her degree was acquired?
The parents should realize that a marriage and expected child need not be the end of the road for their daughter's formal education. Eventually she will probably decide to continue it. She and her husband will have enough expenses to worry about without this silly demand from her parents. How controlling and manipulative can parents be to dictate they will disown their daughter if she gets pregnant before they think she should?
Her parents deserve a kick in the rear, as well as a message to stop dictating how their daughter should live her life. Abby, you goofed on your reply. -- DONNA KOPITZKE, HUDSON, WIS.
DEAR DONNA: While I agree that the girl's parents are controlling, I disagree that I goofed on my reply.
The young woman dropped out of school as a freshman to marry someone her parents disapprove of so greatly they refused to attend the wedding. Since I don't know the young man, I can only assume that the bride's parents -- right or wrong -- believe the marriage won't last. That's the reason they tried to blackmail their daughter into waiting before starting a family.
As for paying back the money that was invested in her first year of college -- the girl has already refused to do so. However, were she to attempt to repay it, I'm sure they would respect her for making the effort, whether or not she was able to reimburse the entire amount.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FREQUENT FAMILY WEEKENDS ARE WEARING STEPMOTHER OUT
DEAR ABBY: I am 57. Two years ago, I married a widower with four grown children. This is my second marriage. We moved to Louisville when my husband accepted a lucrative job here.
My dilemma is his four children. Three of them have spouses. Approximately every six weeks, all seven of them visit for a three-day weekend. Abby, they are wearing me out from cooking (none of the girls cook), picking up after them and doing mounds of laundry. After they leave, it takes me three days to clean up the house and recover.
I love my husband and have told him that I just can't do it anymore. He is upset with me and makes me feel like I am keeping him from his children. I have offered to host Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, which is all I can handle. I'm at the point that I dread the holidays.
I have two children of my own and two grandchildren. I love to see them, but not every six weeks! I visit -- or they visit -- every three to four months, which is enough for me.
Abby, please tell me how to handle the situation without being the "wicked stepmother." -- OVERWHELMED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR OVERWHELMED: It is unfair for your husband to expect you to be cook and housemaid for houseguests that frequently. In order to lighten the burden on you, your husband should agree to hire part-time help during the weekends when his children descend upon you, so you'll have the time and energy to enjoy their company, too.
An alternative might be for you and your husband to visit his children on alternating holidays.
You deserve a break once in a while; consider planning an occasional weekend with friends to coincide with his children's visits.
DEAR ABBY: I am now in my third year of marriage to my husband. We have a daughter who is a year old. Unfortunately, it has become painfully clear that we do not have even one interest in common. My husband could survive to the end of his days with a bed, a computer, a television and a VCR.
I have accepted the fact that this man will never take the world by storm because of his complete lack of ambition. What I can no longer accept is that he has no respect for anyone. He seems to lack a fundamental concern, compassion and respect for other human beings. On top of this, he is sneaky. His work ethic is low, and he categorizes people who enjoy their work as "workaholics who work and one day die." He lacks passion, has no hobbies outside of TV and computers, and could not be less enthused about life.
During the holidays, my mom kills herself to lay out a spread that makes the Ritz pale by comparison, and each year my husband shows up in jeans and a sweatshirt. When I ask him each year to please pack something nice, he gets an attitude. The kicker is that she tries hard each time he is coming to prepare the things he likes. He treats his own mother the same way. She laughs it off and seems to take his lack of manners in stride.
Is there any hope of changing someone who doesn't care what others think of him, or what his actions do in regard to other people's feelings? -- STUMPED IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR STUMPED: Sorry -- you are fighting a losing battle. There is no way to help someone who is not willing to help himself. But if any of my readers have managed to "raise the dead," I'll pass along their input.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)