For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Having Second Thoughts About Hosting Teen Age Cousin
DEAR ABBY: I am a 27-year-old man and not very close to my extended family. Out of the blue, my teen-age cousin called and asked if he could come and stay at my house for a week while he looks at colleges in Los Angeles. Of course, I agreed, but now I realize that entertaining and feeding a 17-year-old for a week will be somewhat costly -- and I am by no means wealthy.
Should I call and ask his parents to provide expense money, or, by initially accepting my cousin's request, is the responsibility now mine? -- "JOHN" IN SANTA MONICA
DEAR "JOHN": It was kind of you to agree to host your young cousin, and it will provide a wonderful opportunity for you to become better acquainted with your extended family.
Call ahead and ask what he would like to do while visiting you, and you'll have a better idea of what he "expects." Most teen-agers like hot dogs and hamburgers, and watching videos -- none of which should break your budget. If what he wants is expensive, tell him honestly that you can't afford it, and let his parents come up with the extra cash.
Enjoy your time together. It could be the beginning of a rewarding relationship for both of you.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Stacking the Odds in Oregon," who decided not to name her mother as guardian of her children because of her drinking problems. Not knowing "Stacking" and Grandma personally, I don't know whether Grandma really does have a drinking problem (getting drunk and "loud" only when she entertains doesn't sound very serious to me). However, I was moved to write on behalf of all social drinkers who get labeled "alcoholics" by their friends and family who are recovering addicts.
I don't mean to belittle the pain of those who grew up with drunk, abusive, self-destructive parents, but it is possible to drink socially without having a "problem." My own parents did it, my husband and I do it, and I have never noticed any negative impact on our lives.
If someone came to me, like "Stacking" to Grandma, and accused me of having a drinking problem, I would probably be just as "hostile and defensive" as Grandma, and then be labeled "in denial." It's a no-win situation.
Please, all you children of alcoholics, don't perceive all drinking as being a "problem." For some people it is; for some it isn't. -- NO PROBLEM IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO PROBLEM: Whether Grandma is or is not a problem drinker may be open to interpretation. The woman's "social drinking" was unpleasant enough to her daughter that she doesn't want to subject her own children to it. And as a parent, that's her choice to make.
While many people can drink socially without becoming problem drinkers, I'm not so sure that the majority of them would react with hostility were they told they had a drinking problem. The normal reaction to a preposterous statement is to laugh, not to become defensive. In fact, when someone becomes defensive, that individual should examine more closely the reason why.
Old Fashioned Manners Are Not Just Page From the Past
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Disillusioned in Dallas," the 22-year-old man with old-fashioned manners who said it was difficult to find women his age who are receptive to being treated courteously.
I am a single, 25-year-old female. Apparently "Disillusioned" is dating the wrong type of women. I have shared his letter with all my girlfriends, ages 22 to 27. We agree that manners do count.
Good manners have not faded in our generation. Being considerate and showing respect to a woman reveals class and a moral upbringing. A man with manners and respect for women is exactly what many other young women and I are looking for in both a casual date and in our soul mate. -- AMY IN DALLAS
DEAR AMY: I have been deluged with letters from women who echoed your sentiments. However, I have also received a few pointing out there may be another side to the issue. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old female. There are various reasons some women decline those gestures of chivalry: (1) a strong sense of personal space; (2) in some cultures those particular niceties are not the common way of communicating consideration to a woman; and -- saddest of all -- (3) some women fear that "old-fashioned" manners indicate that a man is also old-fashioned in his feelings about a woman's place in the world.
"Disillusioned," the right woman will accommodate you with pleasure, for your manners are an indication of your true self. I just don't want some gals to be thought of as "strange" for declining gestures they find alien or uncomfortable. -- G.Z. IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR G.Z.: I have no doubt that "Disillusioned" will find someone who thinks he's terrific. I do, however, take exception to anyone who reacts with rudeness when a courteous gesture is offered. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Men with good manners these days are hard to find. All I can say to "Disillusioned" is: Don't change a thing! Those same women will be banging on his door someday after they've kissed enough frogs. "Disillusioned" sounds like a true gentleman, and men all over should take lessons. He can open my car door anytime. -- ANN S. (AGE 32)
DEAR ANN: You're right. Some women have to learn the hard way. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and feel fortunate when someone opens a door for me or pulls out my chair. My big brother (who's 30 now) always told me when I was younger to never date a guy who doesn't open doors for me. I followed his advice, and I confess, I haven't dated much, but he was right -- there is a BIG difference. -- COMMITTED TO COURTESY IN THREE RIVERS
DEAR COMMITTED: Keep listening to your brother; he's a smart man. Good manners are a measure of respect and courtesy -- important qualities in a mate. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In a time when people are becoming more preoccupied with themselves and in a greater rush, courtesies are getting lost along the way. I urge everyone to make an effort to keep manners alive. With booming populations, that is the only way we will be able to get along. -- IN FAVOR OF MANNERS IN PORTLAND
DEAR IN FAVOR: It's true. On the one hand, courtesy is one of the things that bond society together. On the other, it's the social lubricant -- the WD-40 -- that keeps relationships from becoming abrasive.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Troubled Teens in Jail Take Shared Compliments to Heart
DEAR ABBY: Remember the letter in your column about the teacher who asked students to write compliments to one another, and then passed them along to each individual? Well, Abby, I used her idea -- with wonderful results!
I work in "Chaya," a prison ministry for incarcerated youth in Arizona. Last year, two weeks before Valentine's Day, I gave a talk on love and respect for one another to 25 girls between the ages of 12 and 18. Afterward, I passed out paper and pencils to the girls and instructed them to write a compliment for each girl -- and to say nothing if they didn't have anything nice to say. I told them not to sign their names, as all compliments should be given out of love, not the hope of being thanked. Nearly all the girls complimented every other girl.
I took the papers home that night and typed a list of compliments for each girl. I deleted anything negative or questionable, including the few slang terms with which I was unfamiliar. I cut out 25 large red hearts and pasted a compliment list to the back of each one. My children decorated the front with doilies, stickers, pictures and lace.
I distributed the hearts to the girls at the Valentine party we hosted. I asked each girl to read her compliments to herself and then to share the one compliment that meant the most to her, and the one that surprised her the most. It was a meaningful experience, especially for these troubled girls who have had little or no affection or positive affirmation in their lives. The girls told me how much they cherished these hearts, and the staff allowed them to be hung on their walls -- which was a great privilege for them.
Abby, I would like to thank the person who came up with that idea, and you for printing it. It took some work on my part to make sure no one was hurt by insults, but that was a responsibility I enjoyed because I got to read all the outpouring of love. -- LITA JOHNSON, PHOENIX
DEAR LITA: You took a terrific idea and ran with it, which is to your credit. We all need positive reinforcement from time to time.
It appears that everyone, including yourself, benefited from the assignment -- the surest sign that it was a real winner!
DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with my brother's wife, "Angie." They are separated and she has filed for divorce. For the past five years, my brother has alternated living with his wife in one house and with another "lady" in a different house.
I have always liked Angie, and have seen her go through much unhappiness with him. I have always wished to be with her and to treat her with the respect she deserves, but she has always tolerated my brother's double life.
Last month she left him. That's when I decided to express my feelings to her. I was surprised to learn that she has always had the same feelings for me. We started talking on the phone, and now have gone out a couple of times. There has been no "fooling around," and there won't be before her divorce is final.
My brother and I are not close. We have had our share of disagreements, and I know he will feel that I am doing this to get back at him. I really care for Angie, and I don't know what to do. Any advice for me? -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFUSED: Yes, if you and Angie are meant for each other, waiting a few months should not make a difference to any future you have together. Put the romance "on hold" until her divorce is final. To have an open romance now will only complicate her divorce. There is already enough tension between you and your brother, so don't add to it.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)