Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Old Fashioned Manners Are Not Just Page From the Past
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Disillusioned in Dallas," the 22-year-old man with old-fashioned manners who said it was difficult to find women his age who are receptive to being treated courteously.
I am a single, 25-year-old female. Apparently "Disillusioned" is dating the wrong type of women. I have shared his letter with all my girlfriends, ages 22 to 27. We agree that manners do count.
Good manners have not faded in our generation. Being considerate and showing respect to a woman reveals class and a moral upbringing. A man with manners and respect for women is exactly what many other young women and I are looking for in both a casual date and in our soul mate. -- AMY IN DALLAS
DEAR AMY: I have been deluged with letters from women who echoed your sentiments. However, I have also received a few pointing out there may be another side to the issue. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old female. There are various reasons some women decline those gestures of chivalry: (1) a strong sense of personal space; (2) in some cultures those particular niceties are not the common way of communicating consideration to a woman; and -- saddest of all -- (3) some women fear that "old-fashioned" manners indicate that a man is also old-fashioned in his feelings about a woman's place in the world.
"Disillusioned," the right woman will accommodate you with pleasure, for your manners are an indication of your true self. I just don't want some gals to be thought of as "strange" for declining gestures they find alien or uncomfortable. -- G.Z. IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR G.Z.: I have no doubt that "Disillusioned" will find someone who thinks he's terrific. I do, however, take exception to anyone who reacts with rudeness when a courteous gesture is offered. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Men with good manners these days are hard to find. All I can say to "Disillusioned" is: Don't change a thing! Those same women will be banging on his door someday after they've kissed enough frogs. "Disillusioned" sounds like a true gentleman, and men all over should take lessons. He can open my car door anytime. -- ANN S. (AGE 32)
DEAR ANN: You're right. Some women have to learn the hard way. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and feel fortunate when someone opens a door for me or pulls out my chair. My big brother (who's 30 now) always told me when I was younger to never date a guy who doesn't open doors for me. I followed his advice, and I confess, I haven't dated much, but he was right -- there is a BIG difference. -- COMMITTED TO COURTESY IN THREE RIVERS
DEAR COMMITTED: Keep listening to your brother; he's a smart man. Good manners are a measure of respect and courtesy -- important qualities in a mate. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In a time when people are becoming more preoccupied with themselves and in a greater rush, courtesies are getting lost along the way. I urge everyone to make an effort to keep manners alive. With booming populations, that is the only way we will be able to get along. -- IN FAVOR OF MANNERS IN PORTLAND
DEAR IN FAVOR: It's true. On the one hand, courtesy is one of the things that bond society together. On the other, it's the social lubricant -- the WD-40 -- that keeps relationships from becoming abrasive.
Troubled Teens in Jail Take Shared Compliments to Heart
DEAR ABBY: Remember the letter in your column about the teacher who asked students to write compliments to one another, and then passed them along to each individual? Well, Abby, I used her idea -- with wonderful results!
I work in "Chaya," a prison ministry for incarcerated youth in Arizona. Last year, two weeks before Valentine's Day, I gave a talk on love and respect for one another to 25 girls between the ages of 12 and 18. Afterward, I passed out paper and pencils to the girls and instructed them to write a compliment for each girl -- and to say nothing if they didn't have anything nice to say. I told them not to sign their names, as all compliments should be given out of love, not the hope of being thanked. Nearly all the girls complimented every other girl.
I took the papers home that night and typed a list of compliments for each girl. I deleted anything negative or questionable, including the few slang terms with which I was unfamiliar. I cut out 25 large red hearts and pasted a compliment list to the back of each one. My children decorated the front with doilies, stickers, pictures and lace.
I distributed the hearts to the girls at the Valentine party we hosted. I asked each girl to read her compliments to herself and then to share the one compliment that meant the most to her, and the one that surprised her the most. It was a meaningful experience, especially for these troubled girls who have had little or no affection or positive affirmation in their lives. The girls told me how much they cherished these hearts, and the staff allowed them to be hung on their walls -- which was a great privilege for them.
Abby, I would like to thank the person who came up with that idea, and you for printing it. It took some work on my part to make sure no one was hurt by insults, but that was a responsibility I enjoyed because I got to read all the outpouring of love. -- LITA JOHNSON, PHOENIX
DEAR LITA: You took a terrific idea and ran with it, which is to your credit. We all need positive reinforcement from time to time.
It appears that everyone, including yourself, benefited from the assignment -- the surest sign that it was a real winner!
DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with my brother's wife, "Angie." They are separated and she has filed for divorce. For the past five years, my brother has alternated living with his wife in one house and with another "lady" in a different house.
I have always liked Angie, and have seen her go through much unhappiness with him. I have always wished to be with her and to treat her with the respect she deserves, but she has always tolerated my brother's double life.
Last month she left him. That's when I decided to express my feelings to her. I was surprised to learn that she has always had the same feelings for me. We started talking on the phone, and now have gone out a couple of times. There has been no "fooling around," and there won't be before her divorce is final.
My brother and I are not close. We have had our share of disagreements, and I know he will feel that I am doing this to get back at him. I really care for Angie, and I don't know what to do. Any advice for me? -- CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR CONFUSED: Yes, if you and Angie are meant for each other, waiting a few months should not make a difference to any future you have together. Put the romance "on hold" until her divorce is final. To have an open romance now will only complicate her divorce. There is already enough tension between you and your brother, so don't add to it.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Minority Organ Donors Are Encouraged to Stay Healthy
DEAR ABBY: For many years, there has been much discussion about the need for more organ/tissue donors. The death of the Chicago Bears football great Walter Payton, who had a rare liver disease that could have been treated if an organ had been found and a liver transplant performed early on, should heighten awareness. With this particular disease, if an organ is not found and a liver transplant is not performed, the disease can result in cancer, at which time a person cannot receive a transplant.
With new names being added to the national waiting list and 12 people dying each day waiting for an organ transplant, will there ever be enough organs to help those who need them?
The National Minority Organ Tissue Transplant Education Program (MOTTEP) has taken a different approach to help with this problem. First, we educate communities about the diseases and lifestyles that cause people to need transplants in the first place. This includes high blood pressure, diabetes, not eating healthy meals, drinking alcohol, using drugs and not going to the doctor at least once a year for a checkup. If people adopted healthier lifestyles, the number of people who need a transplant would be fewer.
Also, when comparing the number of healthy organs to the number of unsuitable organs of persons who wish to be donors, it is clear that healthier lifestyles would greatly improve the chances for people to donate healthy organs. This would ultimately result in more lives being saved. In many cities, we offer blood pressure, cholesterol and glucose (for diabetes) screenings, and distribute prevention information to encourage people to take better care of themselves.
Second, we show the community that they can be a part of the solution by giving them an opportunity to plan and participate in activities that help others learn about the importance of organ and tissue donation. Also, those who have received transplants or donated a loved one's organs share their stories -- because the best way to educate people is to make sure they hear the message over and over again.
National MOTTEP has programs in 15 cities across the country. Each program works with schools, faith communities, shopping malls, beauty salons, barber shops and other community organizations to educate others about the need to become organ and tissue donors.
Most recently, National MOTTEP developed a Sports Council for Transplantation, which is being spearheaded by basketball Hall of Fame member Oscar Robertson. The purpose of the Sports Council is to gain the support of athletes, coaches and sports journalists to increase organ and tissue donations among minorities.
National MOTTEP was created to increase the number of African Americans, Hispanics/Latinos, Asians, Pacific Islanders, Native Americans and Alaska Natives who sign donor cards, have family discussions and become donors. There are more than 65,000 men, women and children on the national transplant waiting list. Almost half of them are minorities.
It is not only important to get more individuals to become organ and tissue donors, it is equally important to make sure these same people take care of themselves and live healthier lifestyles so they won't end up on the transplant waiting list. -- CLIVE O. CALLENDER, M.D., FOUNDER AND PRINCIPAL INVESTIGATOR, NATIONAL MOTTEP
DEAR DR. CALLENDER: For many years I have stressed the importance of organ donation, and also the need for potential donors to be certain their families are willing to carry out their wishes when the time comes. No one should have to die waiting for an organ or tissue transplant. For more information about how you can help save a life, please call MOTTEP at (800) 393-2839.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)