What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Angry Woman Won't Put Up With Co Worker's Put Downs
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small sales office. We are all women, and despite the potential for intense competition (we work on commission), everyone pretty much gets along.
One woman, however, is constantly challenging, questioning and putting me down personally and professionally. She ridicules my opinions in planning meetings, implies I'm making things up in all sorts of situations, and argues with everything I do and say, even if it is not her business. She spends large amounts of time on personal phone calls, which interrupt my concentration, and mocks me for not doing the same.
My manager, while sympathetic, tells me I'm a far more experienced "pro" and to ignore her. It's nice that management recognizes my experience and commitment, but I'm increasingly frustrated and angry with my co-worker. Her aggravating behavior needs to stop. Any efforts I've made to make her understand have been met with defensiveness or just plain name-calling (in a laughing way).
How do I put a stop to her behavior while continuing to be a team player? I'm ready to look for another job, but I love this one -- except for her. -- STYMIED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR STYMIED: Name-calling, implying you are making things up and ridicule are not acceptable office behavior. Make notes of the date and time of each abusive incident. Then ask the office manager to insist on mutual respect in the work place. It is your employer's responsibility to provide a nonhostile working environment.
DEAR ABBY: If you have room for one more letter about "Disillusioned in Dallas," the gentleman whose manners were unappreciated, feel free to print mine. I am female, and I, too, live in Dallas -- and I'm wondering if this is indigenous to the women of our city.
I am happily married to a mannerly gentleman (one of the many traits that make him so desirable), and we have recently begun teaching our young son the social graces. He practices holding doors open for women while we're out shopping. He smiles as he props his 4-year-old body against the door to hold it open, and incredible as it sounds, not one woman under the age of 50 has ever thanked him.
When this occurs, I forgo my manners and say to my son (loudly enough for the offender to hear), "She should've thanked you, but her manners aren't as good as yours." I would have to say the same applies to "Disillusioned's" acquaintances.
If these rude, self-absorbed women aren't appreciative of, or touched by, the efforts of a young boy, it's no surprise that they're equally unappreciative of such courtesies extended by the gentleman they choose to date.
Abby, please tell "Disillusioned" to continue his courteous, respectful manners, and I will continue teaching them to my son. The women of Dallas have a legacy of being some of the most beautiful, successful women in the country. I'm hopeful that in the future, they'll also be known for their good manners. -- DETERMINED IN DALLAS
DEAR DETERMINED: Anyone who would ignore the efforts of a child to do the right thing must have a heart of stone. A stranger pausing to praise a child for being well-behaved or practicing good manners can leave an even more lasting impression than when a parent does it.
Stick to your guns, Mom, and continue to teach your son the social graces. They're still something that well-bred people need to know.
Houseguest's Critical Remarks Make Her Welcome Wear Thin
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dick," has a best friend who is married to a woman I dislike more every time I see her. "Ruby" makes nasty remarks about Dick in front of me. Frankly, I don't understand why because Dick has made a wonderful life for me and my son. He has given us many things, including a beautiful home -- which Ruby doesn't have. Among other things, she calls him a "male chauvinist." It happens almost every time they talk. Dick doesn't seem to mind, but I do.
They bring their large family to stay with us once a year for a week without my permission, but with Dick's permission. He is only too happy to comply. Ruby says she "just loves our home," and assumes she's always welcome.
I'm sure it would be a rude awakening for Ruby to discover she isn't exactly my best friend. Why is it that people today think everyone is their friend, and they can just stay in your home because it's on the way to somewhere? Sometimes I think they stay here not so much because they like our home, but to avoid paying for a motel.
By the way, I haven't exactly made it pleasant for them. Sometimes I don't change the linen in their "guest room." I have talked to Dick about their staying for four days instead of a week, but he seems to think it's fun to have them stay the whole seven days. Your thoughts, please. -- HAD IT WITH RUBY
DEAR HAD IT: You are blaming the wrong person. Since you have told your husband how you feel about having this couple as houseguests, and he refuses to compromise by reducing the length of their visits, he is the one responsible for your discomfort.
Ruby may have a point. A man who disregards his wife's feelings in what should be a joint decision, could, indeed, be considered a "male chauvinist." However, if you resent hearing Ruby challenge your husband, take her aside and tell her privately how hurt and angry it makes you to hear it. In all probability, that will put an end to it.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old divorcee. I have been divorced for three years and have found it very difficult to find "Mr. Right." About eight months ago, I was introduced to someone I thought was perfect. He is 30 years old, has never been married -- no children -- and is very set in his ways. He doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs.
However, he does keep me up all night. He snores, grinds his teeth and makes all kinds of funky noises in his sleep. Also, I find him very needy and clingy, and sometimes it gets on my nerves.
I want to try to make it work, but then again I don't. I like being with him; however, I would rather live alone and enjoy my life. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I really don't see a long-term future with this man. Frankly, I am bored with the relationship. What should I do? -- CONFUSED IN GEORGIA
DEAR CONFUSED: What you are describing is ambivalence. Before you make any hard and fast decisions, you'd be wise to talk to a counselor to determine whether your feelings might be related to your divorce and/or a fear of commitment. If they're not, let this eligible man go so he can find a woman who appreciates him and can live with his imperfections -- and you can find a man who's closer to your ideal.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Fiancee's Drinking Problem Puts Wedding Plans on Hold
DEAR ABBY: For more than a year, I have been troubled by my fiancee's drinking. (I'll call her Julia.) Last week, Julia admitted to me that she is addicted to alcohol.
She continues to push me to set a wedding date. It has become a major issue for her because most of her friends are married, and she feels humiliated about being single. We have set tentative wedding dates in the past, but then have scrubbed them.
I am less worried about the date of the wedding than I am about Julia's drinking problem. I love her dearly, and with my encouragement she has gone to counseling, but I believe she has a long way to go.
She pushed me for a date again tonight. When I told her I wanted to discuss it with her in person rather than over the phone, she hung up on me. I'm sure that she had been drinking. She gets a "buzz" two or three nights a week and is a different person under those circumstances.
This would be the second marriage for both of us. I am 53; Julia is 48. We both have grown children.
I don't think I've handled this very well, and I'm not sure what to do. However, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a partner who abuses alcohol. -- CONFUSED IN SAVANNAH
DEAR CONFUSED: I would say you are wise to delay setting a wedding date until your fiancee has been sober for at least six months. Encourage Julia to continue counseling and to attend AA meetings. You can gain insight into the situation by contacting Al-Anon, a program for friends and family of alcoholics. Consult your phone book for the location of your nearest chapter.
Alcoholism is a sickness, and I hope Julia wins the battle, but if she doesn't, don't feel guilty if you decide to get on with your life without her.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I have been divorced for almost seven years. We have one daughter together. During our separation, my ex-wife became pregnant and gave birth to a girl. She told me the girl was mine; however, I didn't believe her. I was positive her new boyfriend was the father.
Recently our daughter went to visit my ex-wife's family. She brought home a photograph of my ex-wife's second daughter. When I saw it, my heart started pounding. She bears a strong resemblance to me!
If she is my daughter, I want to be part of her life. At the same time, she seems to be happy with her family and I don't want to disrupt her life. Should I demand a paternity test to see if she's mine? -- FATHER OF TWO?
DEAR FATHER: Do not start out by "demanding" anything. Tell your ex-wife that you saw the child's picture and were struck by the child's resemblance to you, and you feel you may owe her an apology. Explain that you would like to be part of the little girl's life, but you do not want to disrupt the new family. Then listen to what your ex-wife has to say. It is important that after all these years, the subject be dealt with in a friendly manner.
If she refuses, there is plenty of time to pursue the matter legally if you must. However, I urge you to try diplomacy first.
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