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Fiancee's Drinking Problem Puts Wedding Plans on Hold
DEAR ABBY: For more than a year, I have been troubled by my fiancee's drinking. (I'll call her Julia.) Last week, Julia admitted to me that she is addicted to alcohol.
She continues to push me to set a wedding date. It has become a major issue for her because most of her friends are married, and she feels humiliated about being single. We have set tentative wedding dates in the past, but then have scrubbed them.
I am less worried about the date of the wedding than I am about Julia's drinking problem. I love her dearly, and with my encouragement she has gone to counseling, but I believe she has a long way to go.
She pushed me for a date again tonight. When I told her I wanted to discuss it with her in person rather than over the phone, she hung up on me. I'm sure that she had been drinking. She gets a "buzz" two or three nights a week and is a different person under those circumstances.
This would be the second marriage for both of us. I am 53; Julia is 48. We both have grown children.
I don't think I've handled this very well, and I'm not sure what to do. However, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a partner who abuses alcohol. -- CONFUSED IN SAVANNAH
DEAR CONFUSED: I would say you are wise to delay setting a wedding date until your fiancee has been sober for at least six months. Encourage Julia to continue counseling and to attend AA meetings. You can gain insight into the situation by contacting Al-Anon, a program for friends and family of alcoholics. Consult your phone book for the location of your nearest chapter.
Alcoholism is a sickness, and I hope Julia wins the battle, but if she doesn't, don't feel guilty if you decide to get on with your life without her.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I have been divorced for almost seven years. We have one daughter together. During our separation, my ex-wife became pregnant and gave birth to a girl. She told me the girl was mine; however, I didn't believe her. I was positive her new boyfriend was the father.
Recently our daughter went to visit my ex-wife's family. She brought home a photograph of my ex-wife's second daughter. When I saw it, my heart started pounding. She bears a strong resemblance to me!
If she is my daughter, I want to be part of her life. At the same time, she seems to be happy with her family and I don't want to disrupt her life. Should I demand a paternity test to see if she's mine? -- FATHER OF TWO?
DEAR FATHER: Do not start out by "demanding" anything. Tell your ex-wife that you saw the child's picture and were struck by the child's resemblance to you, and you feel you may owe her an apology. Explain that you would like to be part of the little girl's life, but you do not want to disrupt the new family. Then listen to what your ex-wife has to say. It is important that after all these years, the subject be dealt with in a friendly manner.
If she refuses, there is plenty of time to pursue the matter legally if you must. However, I urge you to try diplomacy first.
Kind Words for Unhappy Child Came When They Were Needed
DEAR ABBY: As I climbed the stairs to the front door one day, I got a funny feeling. When I opened the door, I knew that something had happened. I ran to the bedroom closet and jerked the door open. All of my father's shoes were gone, and so was he! No one had said anything to me about his leaving.
At school I was a dreamer, irritated with the boring trivia people demanded I learn. At home one parent ignored me, except when I made a mistake -- corrected at the loudest volume -- while the other spent every spare moment teaching and quizzing difficult subjects. No one listened or spoke to me. During the previous four years, I had lived in my own world: nightmares, sleepwalking -- once all the way down to the street -- planning my death and funeral, and wishing I was dead. I lived in profound depression. No one noticed. Discovering that my father was gone felt like falling off a cliff after thinking I was on solid ground.
As I walked slowly to the kitchen I decided that I'd had enough of everything. After my usual milk and cookies and the San Francisco Chronicle -- a new column had appeared a few days earlier (1956) -- I would decide how and when to do it. My parents were very busy people, and I knew they wouldn't want to bother with my pain. I decided to write to the author of the new column. I haven't the first clue why I chose that person, but at least the columnist would know why I was dead.
A few days later, I got another shock. Being the first one home every day, I brought the mail in. I was stunned to see a letter addressed to me. ME! Someone thought I mattered enough to write to me even though I was only 10 years old. It was a long, thoughtful, caring response that advised me to find someone to whom I could talk or write.
An aunt living in Arizona seemed a good choice. I didn't know her too well, but I liked her and began writing. She wrote back. When I became an adult, I told her how I came to write to her all my life.
I survived my childhood with a large unpaid debt. It is important to me that you publish this letter, Abby, so that it can be partially repaid by saying a public "thank you" for kindness to a child and for saving her life. That new columnist was you! Over the years I've thought of you often, always with amazement that you wrote to me. It was a very special thing that you did. Thank you.
With appreciation and thanks. -- D.L.G. IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR D.L.G.: I'm deeply touched by your letter and pleased that I was there for you when you needed someone.
The most profound way to repay your "debt" is to pass that good deed along to others who need to know that they are important and that somebody who has nothing to gain cares.
DEAR ABBY: My boss gave me diamond earrings for Christmas. I am a married woman and he is a married man.
I know his wife thinks this was an inappropriate present. I am torn. What should I do? -- WORKING WOMAN IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR WORKING WOMAN: Return the earrings, and tell your boss you are not comfortable accepting them knowing that his wife feels they were an inappropriate gift. The last thing you need is a boss whose wife resents you.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Woman Wonders How to Turn Office Attraction Into a Date
DEAR ABBY: I never married, but I have a 5-year-old daughter. It has been two years since I moved from my hometown and I haven't had a single date here.
I started a new job last August, where I met a man I'll call "Tony." I have not stopped thinking about him since the day we met. Call me crazy, but I think he may be attracted to me as well. He has flirted with me on many occasions, and I see something in his eyes every time he looks at me. I am no fool, Abby. I know when a man is interested.
The problem is, he has not asked me out except for a few lunches. In the five months I've known him, he has been out of the country for 2 1/2 months.
I am usually shy, but I confess I did flirt a little to let him know I was interested. However, I didn't want to appear desperate. He is very shy, too, but I feel deep in my heart that he cares. I have grown fond of him and would like to get to know him better. I know that I can't just ask him out, but I feel there is something special between us. What should I do? -- FEELING AWKWARD IN ONTARIO
DEAR FEELING AWKWARD: Unless there is a company policy that forbids co-workers from dating, I see no reason why you shouldn't ask him to join you for lunch on a weekend or dinner one evening. It's leap year -- so go for broke!
DEAR ABBY: Will you please answer a simple question? Why do grooms (husbands) always think it is the responsibility of the bride (wife) to write the thank-you notes? Moreover, why do they not know how to write thank-you notes?
I love my husband, but I'm about to wring his neck. By the way, he sees himself as a writing expert and a master of the English language, so it's not because he's illiterate; he just seems lost when it comes to doing this chore. I have heard that this is the case with most men. -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: There is absolutely no excuse for someone who is literate not to be able to write a simple thank-you note. Your husband may have been raised in a male-dominated household where writing thank-you notes was considered "women's work." However, this is the year 2000 and times have changed.
The responsibility does not belong solely on your shoulders. Divide the "chore" and have him write to your side of the family while you write to his. Consider it just another way to blend the families.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is being married this summer. She will graduate from college in May from a school in Texas. We live on the West Coast where the wedding will take place. Her fiance lives in Arizona where they will make their home.
The problem is they don't have the money to ship gifts to Arizona. I was wondering if it would be proper to ask people to take a picture of the gift they intended to buy, and wrap it in a box along with a check so my daughter can purchase the item when she arrives in Arizona. Is that tacky? Please advise. -- PLANNING A WEDDING
DEAR PLANNING: It would be improper to bring up the subject of monetary gifts, even if it is "prettied up" by requesting that the guests enclose a photo of the gift they had in mind.
However, if you are asked what your daughter needs or prefers, you may respond by explaining that a check would be the most practical gift.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)