For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Thinks Girlie Calendar in Office Is Behind the Times
DEAR ABBY: Here we go again. Besides being disrespectful, could it be construed as sexual harassment when a business establishment that caters to men and women hangs a calendar depicting nude or almost nude women in a conspicuous place?
My husband has one of those calendars in his office in a white-collar business that is patronized by male and female clients.
When I or my daughter, adult sons, grandson or granddaughters go to an auto repair shop, gas station or tire shop that displays girlie calendars, I am embarrassed and offended. My company has seminars regarding sexual harassment, and we are informed that this is a form of it. I do not allow it in my office. It is disrespectful, and I don't want to be part of a lawsuit.
Please don't get me wrong, Abby. There is nothing wrong with nudity -- it just doesn't belong in a public place. -- OFFENDED IN PALATINE, ILL.
DEAR OFFENDED: It may be in poor taste, but it is not against the law. As a member of the public, you are free to take your business elsewhere if the "calendar art" offends you. However, if you had to WORK in that environment, and if there was also demeaning conduct that was severe and pervasive, it might be considered sexual harassment.
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday my husband had surgery to remove a lump. The doctor prepared us for the worst, indicating that it might be cancer. My husband told only close family members and a few friends about his condition.
His sister, "Winifred," traveled 150 miles to come to the hospital, even though she was told there was no need for her to be there. I was very upset with her presence. I wanted some private time with my husband in the pre-op room, but within minutes, Winifred ushered herself in. I became upset and told her so. However, she refused to go back to the public waiting room.
While in the waiting room, during my husband's surgery, Winifred asked me if I would like to "talk about" the way I was acting. I told her I had wanted private time with my husband. She said I was selfish, that she is dearly fond of her brother. Abby, in the nine years we've owned our home, I can count on one hand the number of times Winifred has visited us. For the past year she has lived only 150 miles away.
Winifred has three children and a granddaughter to go home to, but what would my son and I have if my husband didn't make it? She would have lost her brother, but our lives would be drastically changed.
Fortunately, my husband does not have cancer. Do you think I was selfish requesting private time with my husband? -- BELIEVES IN THE RIGHT TO PRIVACY
DEAR BELIEVES: Your sister-in-law was frightened over the possibility of losing her brother, and probably felt guilty for not visiting him more in the past. Although you were understandably upset, you could have acted with a little more sensitivity. She is your husband's sister, not a stranger.
She, too, could have been more sensitive to your request, and left you and your husband alone after making her presence known.
Since your husband appears to be healthy and the crisis is past, I urge you to bury the anger and resentment you feel toward each other and try to become a closer family. Everyone will benefit.
Man's Care for Disabled Wife Is Doing More Harm Than Good
DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law is retired with a good pension. He is the primary caregiver for his wife, who is paralyzed on one side and unable to carry on a conversation. She is getting worse and is practically confined to bed. He refuses outside help and is very controlling.
While she was in the rehab center shortly after her accident, she was progressing well. She was even up on parallel bars. The only thing she does now is feed herself. She's incontinent and totally dependent.
No one in the family is willing to step in on her behalf to get the proper care she deserves. They are all afraid of her husband, and say it is up to him. It is painful for me to watch this happening. I am partially disabled myself and unable to do what I used to. How -- and where -- could I find resources to give this woman some quality of life? She's only 64. -- CONCERNED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR CONCERNED: You are a caring relative who has raised an interesting, but delicate, question. From your description, both your father-in-law and his wife could use some assistance.
One way to go about it without causing World War III would be for you and your wife to contact their family physician and explain what's going on. Ask for a referral to a social worker or home health-care agency that can visit her and evaluate the care she is receiving.
Considering the level of care his wife requires, your father-in-law may be overwhelmed as the primary caregiver. He needs help, too, but his pride may be getting in the way. Perhaps the doctor can recommend that he attend a caregiver support group where he can learn firsthand what other caregivers do in similar situations. It is vital that he receive emotional support. If the doctor can't help, the social services office at your local hospital can provide a referral.
DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed regarding the wedding lottery invitation reminded me of the telephone call I received from the mother of the groom.
She informed me there was to be no shower for the bride. The bride and her mother were going shopping for the things the bride would need for her new home. Every item was to be gift-wrapped individually, and the name of the "donor" was to be written on each package.
Although I had already given the couple a generous engagement gift, I was "invited" to send a check to pay for "my" shower gift.
Incredulous, and thinking I had misunderstood, I asked the woman to repeat the request. Then I said a quiet goodbye. -- NO DUMMY IN N.Y.C.
DEAR NO DUMMY: Just when I think I have seen everything, along comes another "believe it or not" letter. You weren't being invited to a shower; you were being solicited for a fund-raiser. Therefore, you were within your rights to handle it as you would any other telemarketing call.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Would Like to Cut Short Husband's Visit to Hairdresser
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 34 years. We are both 53. For the last few years, our marriage has been strained, but we have never cheated on each other that I'm aware of.
Now my husband is doing something I'm afraid spells trouble. A few months ago he started "helping" his female hairdresser learn how to use her computer at her house, which is close to ours. Then he decided he should "help her" buy a printer by taking the weekly sales ads from the Sunday paper to her house every Monday night. I knew nothing about it for the first couple of months. It just "slipped out" one night.
I thought he was working a lot of overtime on Mondays, and now he's consistently two hours late -- but only on Monday nights.
When I told my husband I thought seeing her could lead to something more than business, he agreed. But he swears he only wants to help her because he admires her for raising her 10-year-old son alone, and she needs his help. He estimates it might take one and a half to two years to find her the right printer.
I say that's hogwash. I doubt that she's even looking -- for a printer, that is. I think she's looking for a man, because she has no boyfriend and is very short on money.
I don't want to push him into doing anything if this is innocent, but I also don't want to be a fool and get dumped in the end. I have stuck with this marriage through a lot of turmoil, and I think I deserve some loyalty. What do you think I should do? -- FAITHFUL IN WASHINGTON
DEAR FAITHFUL: Pay attention to your intuition. Finding a reliable, reasonably priced printer is as easy as visiting the library and checking out Consumer Reports. At most, it should take a couple of hours. That's a far cry from a year and a half.
I urge you to do the following: Seek the advice of an attorney who specializes in family law. It's important that you know what the laws are in your state that affect the division of family assets. If your husband is in business for himself, you may also need the advice of an accountant. If he's having an affair -- and I'm willing to bet he is -- he may have already started hiding money that belongs to both of you.
If you don't have your own credit rating, establish one now. You may need it. Begin upgrading your job skills and prepare a resume in case you have to find a job.
Then give your husband an ultimatum -- because you do deserve some loyalty, and you shouldn't have to share your husband with his hairdresser or any other woman.
DEAR ABBY: As a retired nurse, I think someone needs to correct the stereotyping of elderly people as complainers. There is a fine line between complaining and explaining.
The elderly in our society are, generally, people who have been hard workers most of their lives and, in my experience with them, are mostly embarrassed by their limitations. Also, families need to know the health history of their elders.
The next time Mom or Dad or Uncle Charlie seems to be complaining, listen up! You may be hearing something you'll need to know someday. -- BEA HYVARE, R.N., FRIDLEY, MINN.
DEAR BEA: You could be right. However, if a relative complained repeatedly to me about the same ailments, my first response would be: "Does your doctor know how you've been feeling? What did he (or she) have to say about it?"
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)