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Woman Tires of Fulfilling Boyfriend's Blond Ambition
DEAR ABBY: I am a 45-year-old single woman. My significant other and I have been together for five years. He's eight years older than I am, and he brings me great joy.
A problem has arisen that has me at my wit's end. When we first began dating, "George" would drop hints about how he loved long blond hair. At the time I was a natural brunette, but thought a few highlights wouldn't hurt. I let it grow. Eventually my hair became lighter and lighter until I was all blond. However, I never really liked it. It didn't complement my skin tones. I have been blond for more than four years. Friends and family tell me I look better as a brunette.
During my last trip to the hairdresser, I asked to have my hair darkened one shade. It's now very light brown, and I like it. George hates it. He hates it so much that for the first week he wouldn't look at me or talk to me. I had no idea what was wrong, and I suspected he had met someone else.
The following week, we were talking again, but things still weren't "right." All signs of affection were gone. I tolerated it for a week and then confronted him. It turned out he really wanted me blond. I let him know how unattractive he was making me feel and how shallow I thought he was. He blamed me and my hair and said that if I hadn't gone blond, we probably never would have gotten together.
I tried to convince him I was still the same person. The fight escalated to the point where I packed my bags and was out the door. He finally admitted HE had the problem, and convinced me to stay while he worked it out. The following week he was back to being his old self.
Last night my family gathered at a nice restaurant for a birthday dinner. Midway through the evening, wouldn't you know, in walked a couple, and the blond-headed woman sat next to our table "flipping" her hair. George couldn't take his eyes off her. It was so embarrassing it made me depressed. I gave George "the look" to knock it off, but he didn't. My family also noticed. When we got home, he acted like nothing was wrong.
I don't know what to do. I can't go back to being blond because I'll never know if he loves me or the fantasy. It seems like such a trivial reason to break up, but I can't imagine putting up with this for the rest of my life. Any advice? -- TIRED OF THE ROOTS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR TIRED: George has a problem and he admits it. Your gentleman not only prefers blondes, it appears he has a fetish for long blond hair. People can change their behavior, but they can't change their feelings.
Joint counseling might be helpful for you both to help each other understand what you're both really saying. The relationship can't succeed unless you are comfortable and feel accepted for who you are. If it depends upon changing your appearance, then face it -- George isn't someone to dye for.
DEAR ABBY: I was wondering if there is a proper place for an ex-wife to sit during a funeral, when the deceased has a significant other and intended for her to sit in front, as if she were his wife.
Does the ex sit in front also, or among the general congregation? -- CURIOUS IN PRIEST RIVER, IDAHO
DEAR CURIOUS: Where the former spouse sits depends upon whether there were children from the marriage. At a time of grief, the children would probably want their mother close to them. If not in the front row, probably in the row directly behind them.
Home Remodeling May Topple Marriage Still Under Construction
DEAR ABBY: I was married three months ago and still do not live with my husband. We have been remodeling the farmhouse that he has lived in for the last three years. Before I came along, he lived in filth and clutter.
Abby, I'm beginning to lose patience. He promised the house would be habitable before we married. The only work that gets done to the house is what my mother and I do. I cannot live in a house under construction because I become claustrophobic and agitated in that kind of clutter. This is starting to have a negative effect on our marriage. Please help. -- LIVING SINGLE IN DES MOINES
DEAR LIVING SINGLE: If your fiance promised the house would be completed before your wedding, and then failed to fulfill that promise, that should have rung an alarm bell regarding his level of enthusiasm about marriage. Since after three months he is still not motivated enough to keep his promise so that you may live together as husband and wife, it's time to re-evaluate the entire situation.
Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Marriage should be a partnership, but you and your mother are doing all of the work. This man is unlikely to change. Consider consulting an attorney about an annulment before investing any more time or elbow grease. You deserve better.
DEAR ABBY: Scooters are the latest rage. Their popularity is growing. They're at the top of almost every kid's Christmas wish list.
Along with this scooter craze comes a number of safety concerns. Abby, will you help me spread the word about the do's and don'ts of safe scooter usage? -- CARLTON CALVIN, PRESIDENT, RAZOR, U.S.A.
DEAR CARLTON: Certainly. Your safety tips are important and well worth the space in my column. Read on:
1. DO use the same precautions you would when riding a bike, a skateboard or using in-line skates.
2. DO wear a helmet and elbow and kneepads.
3. DON'T ride barefoot or in sandals. Wear athletic shoes.
4. DON'T allow children under age 8 to ride a scooter.
5. DO watch the terrain; avoid bumps, water, sand and gravel.
6. DON'T be a "hot dog" and ride too fast.
DEAR ABBY: What do you think of receiving a thank-you for a wedding gift and being told, "Your generous gift has been donated to our favorite charity"?
I realize once a gift is given it's the recipient's to use or dispose of as he or she wishes. However, I would have preferred to have been told beforehand that the wedding was to be a "charity fund-raiser," because my gift was chosen especially for the bride and groom. -- MIFFED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR MIFFED: The couple who received the gift were a little too truthful. To inform someone that his or her gift wasn't worthy of keeping implied that it was useless or tasteless. A simple "Thank you for the beautiful ( ) and for your generosity" would have been much kinder than the note you received.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Casual Fun of Rustic Cabin Is Spoiled by Formal Dining
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were thrilled when his 80-year-old parents decided to transfer ownership of their rustic family cabin to us. We have made many repairs and are responsible for its upkeep. We love it, and because we are teachers, we have the entire summer to enjoy it.
The problem is, my in-laws expect me to be the "perfect hostess" when they visit -- even if they don't let us know in advance they are coming.
I am an excellent cook, but my mother-in-law expects me to serve full meals -- meat, vegetable, salad, rolls and dessert. In addition, she expects me to put out butter knives, salad plates and linen napkins. She seems obsessed with the table setting and makes nasty remarks if I don't set the table to suit her. (She doesn't utter a peep when her daughter omits the butter knives and extra plates!)
The unannounced visits and fixation with meals have seriously damaged my relationship with my in-laws. This is not something I can discuss with them, because they are both elderly and set in their ways. I should add that the cottage has no dishwasher, so everything must be washed by hand in lake water, which we pump in.
Abby, I don't think formality should be the rule in a casual summer cottage. Sometimes a sandwich on a paper plate on the deck is just the ticket. I don't want to be a slave to the kitchen. I have serious projects to work on and have only the summer to accomplish them.
My husband supports me in this, but he knows his parents are too old to change. Even if we tried discussing it with them, my mother-in-law is hard of hearing, and they both seem to have memory problems. Any suggestions? -- PAPER CUPS ON CRYSTAL LAKE
DEAR PAPER CUPS: Since your in-laws have memory problems, make up a calendar showing the weeks you will be using the cabin. With a bright pen, circle the dates you would like them to visit. Consider posting your "lazy days" menu so there will be no surprises.
There are nice paper products on the market these days. Select the fanciest, most substantial paper plates and cups you can find, and use them when your in-laws visit. Then say to your mother-in-law, "Darling, I'll cook, but because you set such a lovely table, we'd like you to be the official table-setter, please." If she refuses, then it's time to ignore their comments, regain control, and make the cabin your own rustic hideaway.
DEAR ABBY: I love the "random acts of kindness" letters that appear in your column from time to time. Here's mine:
My husband died at work five years ago, leaving me with two teen-age daughters. It was the week before Thanksgiving.
My whole neighborhood took up a collection for us -- not just the immediate neighbors; I mean the ENTIRE neighborhood. In the ensuing weeks before Christmas, all the neighbor kids came to my home, raked the leaves, and even cleared away the dog droppings!
If that wasn't enough, we opened our front door at Christmas to find that gifts, plants, and cards with prayers had been left on our doorstep. I barely knew some of these neighbors, yet they were there for us when we needed them the most -- right down to the littlest toddler. Needless to say, I'm never moving from here. -- MARY IN SMITHTOWN, LONG ISLAND
DEAR MARY: The caring spirit of your neighbors is inspiring. However, I know the secret to having good neighbors is being one, and I suspect the outpouring of support you received was deserved.
P.S. Once your letter hits print, I'll wager the property values in Smithtown skyrocket.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)