For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Family Moves Out of Sight, Not Out of Relatives' Minds
DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister is always asking us to send his parents money. She's married, their children are grown, her husband receives a pension, and they both work full time. My husband earns a good living and I am a stay-at-home mom. We have three sons, ages 11, 13 and 16. We live out-of-state and every year his parents visit us for a month. Their airline tickets and other expenses are entirely paid by us.
Our extra money goes toward the children's college education or my husband's 401(k) plan. He doesn't have a pension plan. We've been saving for years and still don't have half the tuition money we will need for our sons' college.
My husband's father also gets a pension. He and his wife both receive Social Security and own their own home. They seem to have enough money to travel other places several times a year.
We have raised our children without any support from his family. They helped his sister financially when her children were small. When the grandmother died recently, his sister got jewelry, crystal and silver. My husband got nothing.
We moved out-of-state five years ago to get away from them. His father still calls him and wants to know when we're visiting because "the chores are piling up." My husband loves his parents, but he feels used and hurt -- and so do I.
I believe our first responsibility is to our children. We have told his family "no" for years, but they still want more and more from us. Any suggestions? -- FED UP IN FLORIDA
DEAR FED UP: Yes. Just keep saying no.
DEAR ABBY: I am 5 feet tall and weigh about 130 pounds. I'm almost 12 and don't like the way I look.
Do you know of a healthy, free diet that really works? I exercise daily and take dance classes, run, walk and ride my bike all the time. I try not to eat too much junk food, but I'm still so huge I can't stand it. Please help me. -- MARY IN HULL, MASS.
DEAR MARY: At 11 years of age, you have not yet reached your full height, so before condemning yourself for the way you look, please take that into consideration, and be less hard on yourself. Weight isn't put on overnight, and it's not lost overnight, either.
Before embarking on any diet, you should be seen by your doctor to determine your general health and to discuss what is the proper diet and amount of exercise you should be getting. Please show this letter to your mother. It is important that she understands how much this issue means to you.
DEAR ABBY: I was touched by the letter you printed about wedding bands of departed loved ones. We were a married couple for 47 years and never had our bands off our fingers.
When my husband was "promoted" to heaven, my daughter suggested that since I had placed his ring on his finger, I should remove it, so I did.
Life will never be the same for me, but I appreciate wearing his wedding band next to mine. No polishing or size change -- just a guard inside to make it fit close to mine. -- A SAN DIEGO WIDOW
DEAR SAN DIEGO WIDOW: Wearing an item of clothing that belonged to a departed loved one can be comforting to the wearer. It's logical that wearing a piece of jewelry would do the same. I'm sure your husband would be pleased.
Sexually Active Friends Are Hard for Teen Ager to Ignore
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. All my friends have started having sex, and I haven't even been kissed yet.
I'm beginning to think that maybe I should tell guys I'm experienced, so I can have sex and be like my friends. What do you think? -- OUT IN THE COLD UP NORTH
DEAR OUT IN THE COLD: I think it's a bad idea. You should thank your lucky stars you haven't been subjected to the pressure that your friends have. Being a teen-ager is tough enough without worrying about getting a sexually transmitted disease or accidentally becoming pregnant.
I can think of no worse reason to have sex than the fear that you're being left out. While we're on the subject of sex, read on for an eye-opener:
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters in your column concerning teens and safe sex or abstinence, I sometimes chuckle at the naivete of parents.
Yes, it's mandatory to have frank discussions with your children about sex, birth control, abstinence -- all of it. Sharing whatever moral values you want to pass on to them is extremely important. However, having been a teen-ager and then a college student, I think it is naive to think that young adults make important decisions about sex only when they are sober.
The truth is, many of my friends lost their virginity at a party and barely remembered the experience. When alcohol or drugs are introduced into a social situation, a normally mature young adult may not make decisions wisely.
Abby, please remind parents how important it is to talk to their sons and daughters about alcohol, drugs, and finding themselves in party situations. The combination of alcohol and sex really can be dangerous. -- REALISTIC IN MAINE
DEAR REALISTIC: You're absolutely right. American culture abounds in images that link alcohol with romance and celebration, from movies to television shows to romantic images portrayed in alcohol advertising.
According to the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information, teen-age girls who drink are more likely to have unprotected sex than those who do not drink.
Sexually active teens who average five or more alcoholic drinks daily are three times less likely to use condoms -- placing them at greater risk for sexually transmitted diseases including AIDS. Binge drinkers appear to engage in more unplanned sexual activity than students who do not binge-drink.
Researchers estimate that alcohol use is involved in up to two-thirds of cases of sexual assault and acquaintance or date-rape among teens and college students. A survey of high school students found that 18 percent of females and 39 percent of males (a frightening statistic!) say it is acceptable for a boy to force sex if the girl is stoned or drunk.
A Centers for Disease Control study analyzed changes in gonorrhea rates among teens 15 to 19 and young adults 20 to 24 in the year following an increase in the state beer tax or a raising of the drinking age. States that changed policy were compared with those that didn't. Among states that increased the tax on beer, two-thirds showed a decrease in gonorrhea rates for teens and three-fourths showed a decrease for young adults.
A final thought: Two-thirds of the people who get STDs are under 25, and more than 3 million young people are infected annually -- and all of them LOOK healthy.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Please help me and others who are constantly asked to give donations. I am a university professor at retirement age; I have a modest salary. Fortunately, I am frugal and thus able to lead a comfortable life.
I contribute to numerous causes. Helping my fellow human beings is a moral duty from which I derive great satisfaction. Yes, I realize there are catastrophes in this world, and I do add something to my contribution whenever I can. However, I am unable to do it all the time.
Every year, I send checks to more than 80 charities, and I make it a point to label each donation "annual contribution for the year" -- to no avail. Still I continue to receive three to four daily requests and/or "gifts." Besides the inconvenience of all this unasked-for and unwanted mail, I'm concerned about the waste of paper and the money that should go to philanthropy and not marketing.
How can I convince charities to accept the fact that I can send them only one check a year? Could you suggest that these associations label us "once-a-year contributors" and stop showering us with requests and gifts the rest of the year? Believe me, Abby, I would be most grateful. -- NOT A MILLIONAIRE, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR NOT A MILLIONAIRE: I could suggest that charities send solicitations only once a year -- but the effort would be useless. Many large charities have become automated. The donor lists have become part of a computer information bank, and requests for money are spit out and mailed a minimum of several times a year. One would think the expenditure of paper and postage would be taken into consideration, but they must make so much money that they can afford to waste it.
At one time, I was in your situation regarding a charity in Los Angeles. I, too, was concerned when I continued to be solicited almost monthly. I called a development person at the charity and asked to be solicited only once a year. During the next few months, I continued to receive requests for money from them -- and then a package arrived containing a useless "gift," because I was such a "valued friend" of the charity.
Since that was not how I wanted my donations spent, I contacted a much smaller charity that does similar work and solicits me only once a year. It now receives the donation I previously gave to the larger program.
P.S. It has been years, and I still receive requests from the large charity. I throw them away unopened.
DEAR ABBY: I don't have enough money to quit working, but I want to. I have this desire to live my life freely. I would like to travel around the world and get to know new people and rich men. If possible, I would like to meet handsome, kind men. How can I do this? -- THE WISHER, MADRID, SPAIN
DEAR WISHER: Unless you win a lottery or an unexpected inheritance of some size comes your way, traveling without earning an income is indeed a fantasy. However, it's refreshing to learn that some fantasies are universal.
If you are willing to work while you travel, apply for a position as a crew member for a cruise line or a business that provides private jets to upscale companies. You're sure to meet new people in such a job. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee that the men you'll meet will be rich, handsome and kind. However, with luck, you might score two out of three.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)