What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sexually Active Friends Are Hard for Teen Ager to Ignore
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. All my friends have started having sex, and I haven't even been kissed yet.
I'm beginning to think that maybe I should tell guys I'm experienced, so I can have sex and be like my friends. What do you think? -- OUT IN THE COLD UP NORTH
DEAR OUT IN THE COLD: I think it's a bad idea. You should thank your lucky stars you haven't been subjected to the pressure that your friends have. Being a teen-ager is tough enough without worrying about getting a sexually transmitted disease or accidentally becoming pregnant.
I can think of no worse reason to have sex than the fear that you're being left out. While we're on the subject of sex, read on for an eye-opener:
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters in your column concerning teens and safe sex or abstinence, I sometimes chuckle at the naivete of parents.
Yes, it's mandatory to have frank discussions with your children about sex, birth control, abstinence -- all of it. Sharing whatever moral values you want to pass on to them is extremely important. However, having been a teen-ager and then a college student, I think it is naive to think that young adults make important decisions about sex only when they are sober.
The truth is, many of my friends lost their virginity at a party and barely remembered the experience. When alcohol or drugs are introduced into a social situation, a normally mature young adult may not make decisions wisely.
Abby, please remind parents how important it is to talk to their sons and daughters about alcohol, drugs, and finding themselves in party situations. The combination of alcohol and sex really can be dangerous. -- REALISTIC IN MAINE
DEAR REALISTIC: You're absolutely right. American culture abounds in images that link alcohol with romance and celebration, from movies to television shows to romantic images portrayed in alcohol advertising.
According to the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information, teen-age girls who drink are more likely to have unprotected sex than those who do not drink.
Sexually active teens who average five or more alcoholic drinks daily are three times less likely to use condoms -- placing them at greater risk for sexually transmitted diseases including AIDS. Binge drinkers appear to engage in more unplanned sexual activity than students who do not binge-drink.
Researchers estimate that alcohol use is involved in up to two-thirds of cases of sexual assault and acquaintance or date-rape among teens and college students. A survey of high school students found that 18 percent of females and 39 percent of males (a frightening statistic!) say it is acceptable for a boy to force sex if the girl is stoned or drunk.
A Centers for Disease Control study analyzed changes in gonorrhea rates among teens 15 to 19 and young adults 20 to 24 in the year following an increase in the state beer tax or a raising of the drinking age. States that changed policy were compared with those that didn't. Among states that increased the tax on beer, two-thirds showed a decrease in gonorrhea rates for teens and three-fourths showed a decrease for young adults.
A final thought: Two-thirds of the people who get STDs are under 25, and more than 3 million young people are infected annually -- and all of them LOOK healthy.
DEAR ABBY: Please help me and others who are constantly asked to give donations. I am a university professor at retirement age; I have a modest salary. Fortunately, I am frugal and thus able to lead a comfortable life.
I contribute to numerous causes. Helping my fellow human beings is a moral duty from which I derive great satisfaction. Yes, I realize there are catastrophes in this world, and I do add something to my contribution whenever I can. However, I am unable to do it all the time.
Every year, I send checks to more than 80 charities, and I make it a point to label each donation "annual contribution for the year" -- to no avail. Still I continue to receive three to four daily requests and/or "gifts." Besides the inconvenience of all this unasked-for and unwanted mail, I'm concerned about the waste of paper and the money that should go to philanthropy and not marketing.
How can I convince charities to accept the fact that I can send them only one check a year? Could you suggest that these associations label us "once-a-year contributors" and stop showering us with requests and gifts the rest of the year? Believe me, Abby, I would be most grateful. -- NOT A MILLIONAIRE, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR NOT A MILLIONAIRE: I could suggest that charities send solicitations only once a year -- but the effort would be useless. Many large charities have become automated. The donor lists have become part of a computer information bank, and requests for money are spit out and mailed a minimum of several times a year. One would think the expenditure of paper and postage would be taken into consideration, but they must make so much money that they can afford to waste it.
At one time, I was in your situation regarding a charity in Los Angeles. I, too, was concerned when I continued to be solicited almost monthly. I called a development person at the charity and asked to be solicited only once a year. During the next few months, I continued to receive requests for money from them -- and then a package arrived containing a useless "gift," because I was such a "valued friend" of the charity.
Since that was not how I wanted my donations spent, I contacted a much smaller charity that does similar work and solicits me only once a year. It now receives the donation I previously gave to the larger program.
P.S. It has been years, and I still receive requests from the large charity. I throw them away unopened.
DEAR ABBY: I don't have enough money to quit working, but I want to. I have this desire to live my life freely. I would like to travel around the world and get to know new people and rich men. If possible, I would like to meet handsome, kind men. How can I do this? -- THE WISHER, MADRID, SPAIN
DEAR WISHER: Unless you win a lottery or an unexpected inheritance of some size comes your way, traveling without earning an income is indeed a fantasy. However, it's refreshing to learn that some fantasies are universal.
If you are willing to work while you travel, apply for a position as a crew member for a cruise line or a business that provides private jets to upscale companies. You're sure to meet new people in such a job. Unfortunately, there's no guarantee that the men you'll meet will be rich, handsome and kind. However, with luck, you might score two out of three.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Good Laugh Goes a Long Way in Healthy, Loving Relationship
DEAR ABBY: In the continuing saga of how men are different from women, let me share this with you.
Peter, my significant other, was involved in a men's counseling group. One of the topics about which they were to report back during their next meeting was "What Women Want From Men in Their Relationships." Members of the group discussed reading the "Women Seeking Men" personal ads to get a better understanding of what women want. (Pretty ingenious if you think about it!)
I told Peter he should do some home study and ask me. I explained that women need to feel loved, wanted, beautiful and needed by their partner. I was in the only bathroom of our home putting the finishing touches on my face, and I asked Peter if he thought he had recently met these qualities in our relationship.
His clever reply was: "I LOVED you last night. I WANTED you to make coffee this morning. You look BEAUTIFUL today -- and I NEED you to get out of the bathroom RIGHT NOW!"
May I add that one important quality women need from men in a relationship is HUMOR. Humor makes anything possible -- and I thank the Lord that my darling has it in abundance. -- SUSAN IN SANTA FE, N.M.
DEAR SUSAN: Peter got his message across, so he is a skilled communicator. And because he's in a counseling group, it's apparent he's interested in personal growth. I think you've found a "keeper."
DEAR ABBY: My 10-year-old daughter, "Amber," stays home one or two hours by herself after school until I return home from work. She has rules to go by; however, she has been known to break them.
Amber answers the door when she shouldn't and leaves the door unlocked. She doesn't take seriously the bad things that can happen to her.
I have an idea that may put her in touch with reality. I'm thinking of asking a male friend to go to my house and knock on the door -- which I know Amber will answer. At that time, my friend would pretend to be a pushy salesman. He would insist on coming into the house and waiting for her mother. That's as far as I've gotten.
Is this a bad idea? I don't want to scare her into having nightmares, but I want her to know how important it is to be wary of strangers and to follow the rules. -- CONCERNED KNOXVILLE MOM
DEAR CONCERNED: Yes, it's a bad idea. I know it's tempting, but such a ruse would be dishonest and potentially traumatizing. When your daughter discovers you play "tricks," it might give her a false sense of security. Also, your credibility would be damaged for years to come, and your daughter would always wonder what kind of trick you would pull next -- and I wouldn't blame her.
DEAR ABBY: If you think your husband is cheating with another woman, do you think it's all right for the wife to ask the woman if she's having an affair with her husband? -- WIFE OF A WANDERING HUSBAND
DEAR WIFE: Absolutely. And who knows? She may be delighted to give you chapter and verse.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY MUSLIM READERS: Happy Eid Ul-Fitr.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)