CONFIDENTIAL TO EDWARD JAY: Happy birthday, son. Your father and I are so very proud of you.
Girl Wants to Date Younger Boy but Fears What Others May Say
DEAR ABBY: I am a teen-age girl, and there is this guy at my school. He asked me out on a date. I don't know what to say. I really want to go, but I'm afraid that my friends and others will make fun of us because he's a year younger than me.
And there is one more problem: He is my best friend's brother. I'm not sure -- but I "kinda know" -- how she's going to take it. But what should I do about my friends? I know my best friend is going to take it well, but I don't know how my other friends are going to take it.
So what should I do? Signed ... ONE OF YOUR FANS (MANDY)
P.S. I read your column every time it's in the paper.
DEAR MANDY: You must decide what's more important to you, pleasing yourself or pleasing your other friends. If the choice were mine and I was teased because I went out with someone a year younger, I would reply, "Well, I LIKE him, and I think he's very cute." There are times you have to stand up for what you believe in.
DEAR ABBY: After five years of marriage, I find myself in the middle of divorce proceedings. I'll spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that my wife left me for a co-worker. Luckily there are no children involved, so other than the emotional pain, the process is primarily financial at this point.
As part of the proposed settlement, I am responsible for returning the personal effects she left behind when she abandoned our home. Most items are easy to deal with, such as clothing, shoes, etc. However, other things are causing a dilemma for me. These are the items that have a connection with our marriage. In particular, I'm troubled by what to do with our wedding album.
In one sense it represents a part of my life and my family history, even though it's been painful. On the other hand, the album is a reminder of the failure of our marriage and the promises that we made to each other. Its financial value is virtually nil, and she has not explicitly requested its return. I want to do the right thing, but not at the expense of my own well-being.
Abby, can you please offer your thoughts on how to deal with this while still remaining a gentleman? -- FEELING TORN IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR FEELING TORN: With pleasure. If you want the album, keep it. Your (almost) former wife can order copies from the photographer who took the pictures.
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law baby-sits my 2-year-old son once a week. She is a chain-smoker, smoking one cigarette after another while our son is there. When he returns home, he is saturated in smoke, and I have to bathe him immediately and wash his clothes. He has complained twice that his eyes hurt. For obvious reasons, I do not want him around all that smoke.
Unfortunately, in my husband's eyes, his mother can do no wrong. Abby, is there anything I can do? -- HATES TOBACCO IN TENNESSEE
DEAR HATES TOBACCO: Talk to your son's pediatrician and ask him to schedule an appointment that includes your husband.
Secondhand smoke IS dangerous for babies and small children, and your husband should be made aware of the risk that his son is facing at the home of his chain-smoking -- and obviously addicted -- grandmother.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Quilters Rattled by Raffle Try to Do the Right Thing
DEAR ABBY: We have a unique problem and hope that you can help us. We are members of a quilt-making club. The quilts we make are well thought of. Once a year, we raffle off one of them, and therein lies our problem.
The man who won this year's quilt is not very well thought of. In fact, some people here consider him "scum." Nevertheless, his name was drawn, and we draw only once. The ladies were shocked. They stood there with their mouths open. Some of them said if they had known he would be the winner, they would not have worked so hard on the quilt. Others suggested that we draw again -- which, in fact, we did.
Then one club member spoke up and said it wasn't fair. The man won the quilt fair and square. Buying a raffle ticket was the only requirement involved.
I can see no way around giving that man the quilt. I believe honesty is the best policy. Can you help us to do the right thing? -- TROUBLE IN PARADISE
DEAR TROUBLE: Consider this: If you give the quilt to someone else, you will put yourselves on the same moral level as the man you have labeled as "scum." So do the honest thing -- give him the quilt and hold a good thought. Perhaps the love and care that went into crafting it will rub off on him, and he'll be better for it.
DEAR ABBY: Both my grown daughters work, and I take care of their daughters for them. Granted, I have them only a few hours a day, but I still have to feed them and give them snacks and juice.
All I ask in return is $20 for each child every two weeks to help pay for the food and beverages.
My older daughter says it's definitely worth it to her, as it would cost far more for someone else to care for her daughter. My younger daughter and her husband, however, are throwing a fit. They insist that a grandmother should never charge money to watch her own grandchild. I also watch them on weekends and barely get a thank-you.
What is your opinion, Abby? Am I ... A GRANDMA OR A DOORMAT?
DEAR GRANDMA: Twenty dollars per child for every two weeks seems reasonable to me. I'm sure you wouldn't ask your daughters to chip in if you didn't need the money. Your younger daughter is looking a gift horse in the mouth. Tell her to stop saying "nay" and pony up the money or provide her own lunches and snacks.
P.S. Your older daughter is right. Child care costs a bundle these days, and anyone who doubts it should check it out.
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I have this little disagreement about how to eat properly.
I eat with the fork in my left hand and my knife in my right hand. I have the fork facing downward, so I don't have to ever let go of my fork to eat. My girlfriend holds the utensil in the same hands, but she puts down her knife and switches her fork to her right hand to eat.
We saw on a Web site that both ways are correct. However, we want to have the final answer and figured you would be a good mediator. -- HUNGRY COUPLE, EAU CLAIRE, WIS.
DEAR HUNGRY COUPLE: You and your girlfriend are both eating "properly." You are doing it in the European style, and your girlfriend is doing it in the American style. You don't need a mediator. The person with the bone to pick needs to exercise a little more tolerance.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: Happy and blessed Hanukkah!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law "Charlotte's" lifestyle is extravagant. She has an annual income of $500,000, plus "perks." She is in her 40s, divorced for 10 years, and lives in a Park Avenue condo with her live-in boyfriend. Everything Charlotte does is "first class" -- restaurants, vacations, clothing, entertainment, etc.
I earn $50,000 a year. My wife and I have a nice home with a pool. She drives a top-of-the-line car, has plenty of nice clothes, and we enjoy sailing on our small boat. I have never denied her anything.
Several times last year, my wife visited Charlotte in New York. While visiting, my wife charged things we can't afford. I suspect she's trying to keep up with Charlotte's lifestyle, which is impossible. When I point out to her that we can't afford all the expensive things she purchases, she becomes cool and annoyed with me.
Trying to keep up with her sister's lifestyle is causing a rift in our once happy marriage. We are moving apart, and I don't know what to do. I love my wife, and it hurts. -- HURT HUSBAND IN FLORIDA
DEAR HURT: If your wife's visits to her sister make her feel deprived to the point where she routinely busts the budget, you are overdue for a frank talk about it. Tell her how hurt you feel -- and give her this message from me: If you don't appreciate what you've got, you'll lose it. Perhaps it will wake her up to reality.
DEAR ABBY: Please remind your readers it is extremely important that whenever a patient has a laboratory test, the physician or his or her office communicate the results directly to the patient -- regardless of whether the test is positive or negative. It is possible for the lab test to come back with a significant life-threatening or health-threatening finding for the patient and be accidentally misplaced or filed in a chart without the physician seeing it and the patient never learning anything until it's too late.
As recently as last week, I had a patient tell me that her family doctor told her, "No news is good news." This is absolutely the dumbest advice that can ever be given. Almost all physicians know of individuals who have died from cancer because the findings had not been communicated to the patient years earlier (at a preventative stage), or diabetic findings or dangerously high cholesterol, etc., had never been communicated to patients.
Please, Abby, urge all individuals who have lab tests to expect a call within a week or two. If they hear nothing, they MUST call the doctor's office to inquire about the results. This could save one's life. -- HAROLD J. GOLDFARB, M.D., ALLENTOWN, PA.
DEAR DR. GOLDFARB: This subject has been addressed in my column before, and I'm sorry it is still an ongoing problem.
Readers, "No news" ISN'T good news. No news is simply that -- no news. Always make a point of obtaining medical test results if you don't receive them from your physician. That precaution could save your life.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to respond to your "Confidential" to "Wants to Get Rich Quick in Nevada." I agree that "the quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket"; however, may I also suggest that Ireland is a good place to invest it? I have it on reliable authority that the capital there is always Dublin! -- RAY PLOETZ, MAPLE GROVE, MINN.
DEAR RAY: You may suggest it, but I suspect your "reliable authority" is full of Blarney.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)