To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Outdated Mailing Lists Add Insult to Injury of Son's Loss
DEAR ABBY: I need to vent my frustration over two ludicrous and painful incidents that have occurred since my 21-year-old son, "John," passed away from cancer in 1994.
The oncology doctor who treated John and signed his death certificate moved to a new office in 1996. His staff then sent a "new address" notice -- addressed to our son.
I can top that. This week, we received a "relocation" notice from the mortuary that handled John's funeral. This, too, was addressed to John!
I can handle the music and video club mailings addressed to my son, even though I've written them numerous times informing them of John's death, but I never felt I needed to ask an oncology doctor or mortuary to remove my son's name from their list.
Don't mailing lists ever get updated or destroyed? -- JOHN'S MOTHER IN ALBUQUERQUE
DEAR MOM: You have my sympathy for your painful predicament. Although we know that no one lives forever -- immortality may indeed exist on hard-drives and computer discs.
Although mailing lists should be updated yearly, it's a task that often gets put on the back burner because of work overload. If you receive any more of these mailings, just toss them.
DEAR ABBY: What's the deal with women today? Why are we so neurotic and insecure when it comes to men?
I am a woman who happens to have many male friends. When one of them gets a girlfriend, she will watch me like a hawk and become angry if I say or do the "wrong" thing around him.
When one of my female friends gets a boyfriend, she'll drop "subtle" hints to me to stay away from her man and focus on my own relationships.
Abby, I am in no way a slut or a man-stealer, nor do I act, dress or give the impression that I am. None of the men I know perceives me this way, either. So I return to my original question: What's the deal with women today? -- STAMP OUT PARANOIA, PALMDALE, CALIF.
DEAR STAMP OUT: Jealousy and insecurity are one-size-fits-all clothes -- and they are worn by both men and women. They are flattering on neither, but they've been around since we were cave dwellers. And I agree, their place is on the rag pile.
DEAR ABBY: I am expecting my first child in a few months. A close friend is throwing a baby shower, which I am not supposed to know about.
I moved to the East Coast about 10 years ago, but I am originally from the Midwest. Many family members and friends still live there.
Would it be tacky to send them a baby shower invitation, or should I just send out a birth announcement? Or can I do both? I am not sure of the proper etiquette.
I still keep in touch with everyone and don't expect them to travel east for the shower. On the other hand, I know some of them would like to be informed of events surrounding the baby's arrival. My mother told me many of my relatives want to send gifts. Please help. -- FIRST-TIME MOM
DEAR FIRST-TIME MOM: Forgo sending shower invitations to anyone who is not expected to attend. It would appear to be a blatant bid for gifts. Since you're still in touch with everyone, the news is out about your pregnancy. Send a birth announcement after your baby arrives. And by the way -- congratulations!
Heart Patient Wants Good Life More Than Long Life
DEAR ABBY: I'm in my 50s, have a serious heart condition -- I almost died twice -- and am living on borrowed time. My doctors know it, my family knows it, and I know it. We have talked about it, as well as my living will and organ donation. We have also discussed at length QUALITY of life, as opposed to QUANTITY of life.
Some well-meaning people, out of a mistaken sense of kindness, would like me to do nothing but vegetate. I remind them I am still alive and able to do quite a few things. Perhaps vegetating would extend my life, but what would the "cost" be? Right now I can travel, do most of my own housework, putter in the flower garden and help my husband. While I cannot lift my grandchild or run in the yard with her, I can read to her and help her with the dishes.
It is demoralizing when people refuse to listen as I try to explain quality vs. quantity of life. I know they want me to be cautious because they fear losing me. I am afraid much of the time, and am in no hurry to "meet my Maker," but when that day does come, I'll die knowing I made the best of the most precious gift there is -- life.
Abby, please ask your readers to encourage and help those with limitations to live life to the fullest. And urge your readers who are blessed with good health not to waste it, but to use this gift of life for the good of all. -- LIVING LIFE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR LIVING LIFE: I'm pleased to pass along your message. Our time on Earth is not infinite; therefore, our days should be spent the way we invest our money -- wisely.
You're a pragmatic woman. I admire your determination to suck as much of the juice out of the fruit of life as you can. Bon appetit!
DEAR ABBY: My 11-year-old son has cut his beautiful long eyelashes. I am heartbroken. Will they grow back? -- WORRIED MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR WORRIED MOM: They should grow back. I called my ophthalmologist, who assured me that the normal life cycle of an eyelash is six weeks. In practically no time, your son will be batting his eyelashes again.
P.S. Since sharp, pointed objects near the eyes can be very dangerous, inform your son that there will be severe penalties if he does it again.
DEAR ABBY: I've heard that you can fall in love with people you've met over the Internet, on blind dates or even dialing the wrong number -- but have you ever heard of people falling in love through a toilet bowl?
I am a female inmate in a county jail in California. Men and women here speak to each other through air vents and the plumbing system. We take all the water out and talk through the toilet bowls.
I have met a great guy. I've never seen him, but we have so much in common. After speaking with each other every day for a month, he told me he loved me and wanted to be my "one and only."
I haven't told him I love him yet, because I feel I can't trust my emotions as long as I am locked up. I suspect that I care a great deal about him.
Abby, have you ever heard of a toilet bowl romance? Do you think this is possible? -- BOWLED OVER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BOWLED OVER: Your letter is a first! The answer to your questions are: "No" and "I have my doubts." You may be pulling my chain, but I'll take your word that you are serious. Wait until you are both released and have gotten to know each other before you decide to give your heart to "John" Doe.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school, and I don't think I can take it anymore! I attend vocational school, in addition to my regular school, work part time, study, and have a boyfriend I'll call "Johnny." My relationship with Johnny is being held up because we can't find enough time to see each other. He also works and has a schedule similar to mine.
Abby, Johnny is my main concern at the moment. I don't know how to balance our schedules so we can have more time with each other. Please help. -- STRESSED-OUT SENIOR
DEAR STRESSED OUT: When people become stressed out, they need to take a "time-out" and evaluate their priorities. Let me give you something to consider while you do that.
You and Johnny are juggling extremely full schedules, doing what is necessary to establish secure futures for yourselves. I applaud you for it, and by the end of the school year, you'll both be rightfully proud of what you have accomplished.
Although you would like more time together, there are only so many hours in a day and so many days in the week. One of the definitions of maturity is the ability to postpone for tomorrow what you would like to be doing today. While it would be nice to spend more time together, it is essential that you both prioritize your schedules right now. In six months, you'll be finished with high school and have more time to spare. In the meantime, you're taking care of business. Keep your eye on the goal, and you'll be there before you know it.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with bugs in my bedroom. I have tried opening the window, closing the window, lights off, lights on, foggers, sanitizers -- but none of it works.
I typically get bitten five times during the night, always above my waist. My last two bites lasted a week. They itch and leave red marks. I don't know what to do. Help! -- BUGGED IN BOTHELL, WASH.
DEAR BUGGED: It's time for a consultation with your dermatologist. Show him or her the bites and see if the doctor can figure out what's causing them.
Once that's done, call a pest control company. Since home remedies haven't subdued your attackers, let the professionals resolve once and for all what's bugging you.
DEAR READERS: An estimated 80 percent of the population of western nations will experience at least one episode of severe back pain.
Of course, any individual who suffers from severe back pain should consult a doctor. Most patients are prescribed muscle relaxants, pain killers and/or sessions with a physical therapist, and given instructions for exercises to be performed at home. Does this mean the patient emerges pain-free? Not necessarily. For many people, the back pain persists to a greater or lesser degree for years.
A new book, "7 Steps to a Pain-Free Life," written by Robin McKenzie with Craig Kubey (published by Dutton), is now available in bookstores. Mr. McKenzie is an honored and respected physical therapist from New Zealand, and more than 20,000 health professionals worldwide have been trained in his methods. Most important, patients who have learned to use his exercises for back and neck pain assert that for the first time they could effectively manage -- or banish -- their own pain.
P.S. A word to the wise: Before beginning this, or any other exercise program designed to reduce pain from any condition, consult your doctor.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)