What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Mom Regrets Her Choice to Pass Up Going to College
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and the mother of a 4-month-old son. I have a high school diploma and some vocational training. I was accepted into college after my high school graduation, but decided not to go away to school so I could stay with the man I love. Had I gone, I would be in my junior year.
Luckily for me, a local company took a chance and gave me a job where I earn fairly good money. However, if I could do it over again, I would go away to college and gain the credentials for a career with good financial prospects.
Because I speak from experience, I have something to say to parents: Try to have a close, honest relationship with your children. Educate them about sex. Stress how important abstinence is, but also teach them about birth control and how to use it effectively. Do not just tell them to "abstain"; explain WHY they should. My mother told me not to have sex. However, she didn't impress on me why I should wait. Now I have a child I'm struggling to take care of.
To young people, I say: Don't do what I did. Complete your education. Take some time growing up. Live a little before starting a family. Believe me, there's plenty of time to have children when you are mature.
I love my son, but it would have been better for both of us if I had waited until I was more mature and had finished my education. -- STRUGGLING IN GEORGIA
DEAR STRUGGLING: Once the rose-colored glasses come off, there's nothing like the clarity of 20-20 hindsight. I hope that parents and teen-agers will take your letter to heart. It contains some important truths.
DEAR ABBY: Friends of ours will soon celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary. Do you think it is appropriate for them to renew their wedding vows with my friend wearing a white gown, and having bridesmaids and groomsmen? They couldn't afford a formal wedding 30 years ago. -- JUST WONDERING IN IDAHO
DEAR WONDERING: Much depends upon the spirit of the event. Although an all-out celebration IS in order, to attempt to re-create a wedding that didn't take place 30 years ago, in my opinion, could possibly create more stress for friends and family than pleasure.
DEAR ABBY: I am 40, single and childless. I have many friends who are married with children. I have always been curious to know the protocol in my situation. I give birthday and holiday gifts to my friends, then find myself including a generic gift for the spouse and, of course, the child/children.
However, the value of what I receive and what I give is not equivalent. Although friendship has no price tag, I am confused as to whether I should give my friend a gift, and exclude her spouse and kids -- or what? -- WANTS A CLEAR CONSCIENCE
DEAR WANTS: There is no "protocol" in giving gifts to friends. You give what is in your heart and within your means, and receive what friends and family are able to give in return. However, if you provide gifts for three, four or five members of a family on birthdays and holidays, it makes sense that the one gift you receive should reflect that. If you're feeling shortchanged, this year exchange gifts only with your friends.
DEAR ABBY: What would make a wife compromise her morals, values and ideals and allow her husband of 25-plus years to stay with her, after finding out that he was a raging Casanova? This lady, after confrontation by his lover, found out that her husband has had multiple affairs that began not long after they were married. Now she is subjecting herself not only to disease, but to public humiliation.
That cat must be a humdinger -- because not only does she condone his behavior, so do his girlfriends. Abby, she is an intelligent and good-looking woman. -- A CURIOUS FRIEND
DEAR CURIOUS: Perhaps your friend likes the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed. Perhaps she loves her husband, and there are bonds between them that transcend his infidelities. No one ever really knows what ties some people together.
I find it interesting that you feel the husband's philandering is a public humiliation to his wife. It shouldn't be. Since there has been a string of infidelities throughout their more than a quarter of a century together, clearly the problem lies with him. He craves the one thing no one woman can give him -- variety.
DEAR ABBY: I am a person with a disability. Social Security, the state in which I live and my physician have classified me as handicapped, and I have a handicapped placard in my car.
Some of us who look "fine and healthy" have a hidden disability. Although I am only 39, look young for my age and appear healthy because I don't require a wheelchair or crutches, I suffer from chronic, intractable pain 24 hours a day. I am unable to walk long distances.
Abby, for the sake of all of us who do not appear to be disabled but are, please ask your readers not to use the few parking spaces reserved for the handicapped, and not to insult us or make rude comments because we "look healthy." -- JACKIE IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR JACKIE: Thank you for the reminder. Since most of us have no idea what challenges other people face every day, the able-bodied should refrain from parking in spaces reserved for those with disabilities, and give drivers with "hidden" disabilities the benefit of the doubt. Kindness and compassion should prevail.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old, taking a year off between high school and college. I work at a university to which I would like to apply.
How do I go about asking my boss's boss for a recommendation? I don't work with him, but we know each other and talk occasionally -- mostly during coffee breaks. Lately, we've even been exchanging books and newspaper articles.
Can you offer any advice? -- SHY GUY IN ST. LOUIS
DEAR SHY GUY: To be asked to write a letter of recommendation is a compliment. It means that you think the person is important enough that the recommendation will have clout.
During your next coffee break, tell your boss's boss that you are planning to return to school next year, and would appreciate it if he/she would give you a recommendation. The person will probably be flattered and agree to do it.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Wants to Straighten Out New Boyfriend's Love Triangle
DEAR ABBY: I recently met this guy. He's unbelievable! He is sweet, charming and loving. We went to the same high school, but I didn't know him very well then. He tells me he's infatuated with me and can't stop thinking about me. He says he prides himself on being in control, but when he's with me he feels completely out of control.
We really don't date because he goes to law school three hours from my home.
He tells me all the time I have nothing to worry about because he would give me anything I want. He buys me beautiful gifts.
There is only one thing that troubles me. He has a girlfriend. He has been with her for five years. I know he loves her, but I wonder how that can be if he comes around to see me. He says he's working on breaking it off with her, but he has to take it slow. Last night he said if everything is "meant to be" it will happen, and to just follow my heart.
Abby, I'm trying not to, but I'm starting to fall hard for him. I told him I didn't want to share him. He says he totally understands how I feel. Should I continue seeing him and wait to see what happens, or break it off now? -- CONFUSED VIRGINIA TEEN
DEAR CONFUSED: You are an intelligent young woman. You can see that although this young man is sweet, charming and adorable, he isn't completely honest. A five-year involvement is usually a serious one -- so someone is going to be hurt. I don't want it to be you.
The next time you see him, remind him that he told you he'd give you "anything you want." Tell him what you want is for him to do the honest thing and inform the lady he's been seeing that he's met someone. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about his level of sincerity.
DEAR ABBY: You frequently address family-gathering issues in your column. Last year I had the best holiday season since my childhood, and all because I declined every invitation I received.
My husband, our two children and I stayed home for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's. What a stress-free experience it was! No pressure, no uncomfortable conversations, no fights -- just relaxing, delicious meals. Please pass this idea along to your readers: It is OK to decline invitations. -- COLLEEN IN WILLOWICK, OHIO
DEAR COLLEEN: I'm pleased to do so, bearing in mind the old saying, "Different strokes for different folks." Every year at holiday time I receive letters from conflicted readers who are under pressure from parents and in-laws to spend the holidays with one side of the family or the other. While those traditions can be rich and fulfilling, I advise them that it's equally important to establish family traditions of their own. Alternating holidays with extended family can also provide emotional dividends.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "WANTS TO GET RICH QUICK" IN NEVADA: The slots are not the answer to your dreams -- gamblers usually lose because the odds are not in their favor. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)