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Words of Triumph and Loss Can Inspire New Generation
DEAR ABBY: I have carried a quote from Teddy Roosevelt in my wallet for a number of years. The words seem as appropriate today as they were when he spoke them. I have enclosed a copy for you. Please print it for the benefit of the younger generation who may not have read it. -- JACK TAYLOR, N. HIGHLANDS, CALIF.
DEAR JACK: That quotation, part of a speech delivered by President Roosevelt at the Sorbonne in Paris on April 23, 1910, has appeared in my column before, but I'm pleased to share it again. Although seniors may already be familiar with it, youthful readers may find it inspirational. Read on:
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worse, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
DEAR ABBY: I am writing this letter to make the general public aware of a potential problem with their telephone service.
A great number of people put in all cordless phones when having phones installed. What they may not realize is that the "base" stations for those instruments are powered by electricity. If the power is interrupted, their phones will not work.
To avoid this problem, they need only install one phone that plugs directly into a jack and requires no electricity. Then if power is lost, that phone will still operate. I hope this helps people to avert a problem at a time when their phone may be needed the most. -- GEORGE F. ADAMS, BURLINGTON, N.J.
DEAR GEORGE: That's excellent advice. It's something I have done in my own home, and that precaution has paid for itself many times over. (Of course, cell phones can operate without electricity, at least for a while, but they eventually need to have their batteries recharged.)
DEAR ABBY: My Aunt Ida lived to be 108. She remained rational and alert to the end. One day she asked, "Why do I have to stay around so long? What good am I? Is there any reason to keep me all this time?"
My wife, Pat, who always seems to get it right, said: "Ida, you're here because of your smile. You have the brightest smile in the world, and when you smile you make everyone feel good. That's why you're here. You have a purpose."
Ida immediately brightened, said, "You think so?" and broke into a big grin. At the end of each visit, I'd turn up the corners of my mouth and say, "Keep smiling."
The nurses who took care of her often commented that Ida was always smiling, cheerful and upbeat. She was the oldest person in the rest home, but she lifted everyone's spirits like a ray of sunshine. -- A PROUD NEPHEW IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR NEPHEW: What a wonderful tribute to your Aunt Ida. Her smile must have been contagious, because I smiled when I read your letter.
Happy Couple With 10 Kids Found Time for Each Other
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your answer to "Happily Married Husband," who revealed that five husbands in his circle of friends have gotten divorces because their wives spent too much time with their children and they felt displaced.
Like many other couples, my husband and I were busy, and we didn't have enough extra money to go out. So once a month, we enjoyed a candlelight supper at home. I wore something sexy and used our best china. We ate at a small table after the children were finished eating, and we danced to romantic music on the record player.
Abby, you were right that couples must find time for each other. We did, and we've been happily married for 45 wonderful years. -- STILL ROMANTIC IN MANSFIELD, MASS.
P.S. We're the parents of 10 terrific children.
DEAR STILL ROMANTIC: I applaud your obviously successful (and fruitful!) union. Sometimes couples become so pressured they have trouble budgeting time to spend together. Being disciplined enough to do so can mean the difference between a marriage that succeeds and one that doesn't. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Many religions preach that man is head of the household and his wife and children must be obedient to him. This is one reason why abuse occurs. Unless spouses are equal and share responsibilities as mature adults, they will experience a serious imbalance in their relationship.
When children are the first concern of both parents, they will find joy in each other as well.
It's unfortunate when one of the parents dumps the total burden on the other. The immature spouse demands "Mommy's" (or "Daddy's") full attention and is the one who will most likely seek affection elsewhere. Irresponsible mates pursue self-pleasure. It's as simple as that. If families work together, they stay together. -- BETTY NELSON, MILACA, MINN.
DEAR BETTY: We're now living in a time when many parents teach their children that marriage is a full partnership. It touches me to see young fathers out with their infants carried in slings next to their hearts, or pushing toddlers in racing prams while exercising. When both spouses participate in child rearing, it makes for healthier, closer families. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Happily Married Husband" was on target! As a husband in a marriage of 53 years and the father of three, I would like to add that the children are the husband's children, too. He should be grateful his wife gives time and love to his children. Women carry the children in their bodies. Giving birth is an awesome event in their lives. Nursing, nurturing and attending to children is absorbing. Why wouldn't their relationship with their children be intense?
Today's women often work full time outside the home and do most of the household chores. How much time and energy does a wife have left for a husband?
I suggest that instead of pursuing another woman, a husband be understanding of his wife; that he spend more time and love on his children; and that he make time to occasionally get away for brief dates with his wife. Chances are his wife loves him, too. If he sticks with her, he'll have a loving companion for life. Memories of family fun and laughs, hardships overcome together, best efforts made with child rearing, and pride in the marriage all make a husband's life fulfilling. Try it! -- HAPPILY MARRIED FATHER IN KENOSHA, WIS.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife's Gambling Habit Puts Couple's Retirement at Risk
DEAR ABBY: I have just discovered that my wife of 35 years has been gambling heavily for several years. Nearly $8,000 has been withdrawn at the casinos from our account and hers in the last nine months.
I am a saver; she has been a spender for the duration of our marriage. We could live very well in our retirement if we are prudent now.
She says it's her life and she will do what she wants; it's her money and she'll spend it any way she wants. She does work, but are these fair statements? Will she ever quit gambling? -- HOPEFUL IN KENTUCKY
DEAR HOPEFUL: Unless your wife is willing to admit that her gambling has become a problem she's unable to control, she will continue to gamble. Most couples pool their finances and decide together how the money should be spent. Her argument that it is her life and she'll do anything she wants, etc. is defensive, selfish and irrational.
You can lead a horse (player) to water, but you can't make her drink. Unless she's willing to get help for her gambling addiction, your wife could literally spend you out of house and home. Consult a lawyer about separating your finances before she goes through all the money. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Valerie Gibson of Cheyenne, Wyo." regarding the kindness of strangers reminded me of a similar act of kindness bestowed on my husband and me earlier this year. We are both in our late 60s.
My husband considers himself an excellent driver, but actually drives like someone watching a tennis match. He constantly gazes at landmarks, left and right, instead of keeping his eyes on the road.
We were traveling along I-75 from Atlanta to Biloxi, Miss., in our motor home when I noticed a piece of metal lying in the road. I thought my husband had seen it too. By the time I yelled, it was too late. He ran over the piece of metal, and it embedded itself under the vehicle.
As we continued driving, we could hear the metal scraping the pavement but did not know what damage it had done. We stopped at a restaurant, and my husband surveyed the damage. The piece of metal had embedded itself in our septic tank, which was a relief to us, as we had feared it had penetrated the gas tank.
My husband worked furiously for about 10 minutes, but couldn't free the metal object, nor could he bend it to stop scraping the roadway. Just when we had given up, several people left the restaurant and noticed our dilemma. One young man left the group and came to our aid, but was unable to dislodge the metal either. He said he lived only a short distance away, and would go home to get a hacksaw.
Within 30 minutes, he was back as promised. He crawled under the vehicle and spent the better part of 15 minutes sawing away at the metal. He finally was able to saw off enough to stop the scraping. Although I offered, he would not accept a cent for his help. He said he hoped if his parents were ever in a similar predicament, someone would assist them.
Even more remarkable about this young man helping us is that he is white and we are black and this is still "the deep South." -- MRS. V.W. BROWN, ATLANTA
DEAR MRS. BROWN: Contrary to what some may believe, there are many young people in the South -- and elsewhere -- who have been raised to see people first, not their race. Still, it's nice to see a testimonial to that fact.
Thank you for sharing your act of kindness. I consider it an antidote to some of the things we see on the evening news. Perhaps it will stimulate others to be Good Samaritans should they happen upon someone in need of help.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)