What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Happy Couple With 10 Kids Found Time for Each Other
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your answer to "Happily Married Husband," who revealed that five husbands in his circle of friends have gotten divorces because their wives spent too much time with their children and they felt displaced.
Like many other couples, my husband and I were busy, and we didn't have enough extra money to go out. So once a month, we enjoyed a candlelight supper at home. I wore something sexy and used our best china. We ate at a small table after the children were finished eating, and we danced to romantic music on the record player.
Abby, you were right that couples must find time for each other. We did, and we've been happily married for 45 wonderful years. -- STILL ROMANTIC IN MANSFIELD, MASS.
P.S. We're the parents of 10 terrific children.
DEAR STILL ROMANTIC: I applaud your obviously successful (and fruitful!) union. Sometimes couples become so pressured they have trouble budgeting time to spend together. Being disciplined enough to do so can mean the difference between a marriage that succeeds and one that doesn't. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Many religions preach that man is head of the household and his wife and children must be obedient to him. This is one reason why abuse occurs. Unless spouses are equal and share responsibilities as mature adults, they will experience a serious imbalance in their relationship.
When children are the first concern of both parents, they will find joy in each other as well.
It's unfortunate when one of the parents dumps the total burden on the other. The immature spouse demands "Mommy's" (or "Daddy's") full attention and is the one who will most likely seek affection elsewhere. Irresponsible mates pursue self-pleasure. It's as simple as that. If families work together, they stay together. -- BETTY NELSON, MILACA, MINN.
DEAR BETTY: We're now living in a time when many parents teach their children that marriage is a full partnership. It touches me to see young fathers out with their infants carried in slings next to their hearts, or pushing toddlers in racing prams while exercising. When both spouses participate in child rearing, it makes for healthier, closer families. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Happily Married Husband" was on target! As a husband in a marriage of 53 years and the father of three, I would like to add that the children are the husband's children, too. He should be grateful his wife gives time and love to his children. Women carry the children in their bodies. Giving birth is an awesome event in their lives. Nursing, nurturing and attending to children is absorbing. Why wouldn't their relationship with their children be intense?
Today's women often work full time outside the home and do most of the household chores. How much time and energy does a wife have left for a husband?
I suggest that instead of pursuing another woman, a husband be understanding of his wife; that he spend more time and love on his children; and that he make time to occasionally get away for brief dates with his wife. Chances are his wife loves him, too. If he sticks with her, he'll have a loving companion for life. Memories of family fun and laughs, hardships overcome together, best efforts made with child rearing, and pride in the marriage all make a husband's life fulfilling. Try it! -- HAPPILY MARRIED FATHER IN KENOSHA, WIS.
Wife's Gambling Habit Puts Couple's Retirement at Risk
DEAR ABBY: I have just discovered that my wife of 35 years has been gambling heavily for several years. Nearly $8,000 has been withdrawn at the casinos from our account and hers in the last nine months.
I am a saver; she has been a spender for the duration of our marriage. We could live very well in our retirement if we are prudent now.
She says it's her life and she will do what she wants; it's her money and she'll spend it any way she wants. She does work, but are these fair statements? Will she ever quit gambling? -- HOPEFUL IN KENTUCKY
DEAR HOPEFUL: Unless your wife is willing to admit that her gambling has become a problem she's unable to control, she will continue to gamble. Most couples pool their finances and decide together how the money should be spent. Her argument that it is her life and she'll do anything she wants, etc. is defensive, selfish and irrational.
You can lead a horse (player) to water, but you can't make her drink. Unless she's willing to get help for her gambling addiction, your wife could literally spend you out of house and home. Consult a lawyer about separating your finances before she goes through all the money. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Valerie Gibson of Cheyenne, Wyo." regarding the kindness of strangers reminded me of a similar act of kindness bestowed on my husband and me earlier this year. We are both in our late 60s.
My husband considers himself an excellent driver, but actually drives like someone watching a tennis match. He constantly gazes at landmarks, left and right, instead of keeping his eyes on the road.
We were traveling along I-75 from Atlanta to Biloxi, Miss., in our motor home when I noticed a piece of metal lying in the road. I thought my husband had seen it too. By the time I yelled, it was too late. He ran over the piece of metal, and it embedded itself under the vehicle.
As we continued driving, we could hear the metal scraping the pavement but did not know what damage it had done. We stopped at a restaurant, and my husband surveyed the damage. The piece of metal had embedded itself in our septic tank, which was a relief to us, as we had feared it had penetrated the gas tank.
My husband worked furiously for about 10 minutes, but couldn't free the metal object, nor could he bend it to stop scraping the roadway. Just when we had given up, several people left the restaurant and noticed our dilemma. One young man left the group and came to our aid, but was unable to dislodge the metal either. He said he lived only a short distance away, and would go home to get a hacksaw.
Within 30 minutes, he was back as promised. He crawled under the vehicle and spent the better part of 15 minutes sawing away at the metal. He finally was able to saw off enough to stop the scraping. Although I offered, he would not accept a cent for his help. He said he hoped if his parents were ever in a similar predicament, someone would assist them.
Even more remarkable about this young man helping us is that he is white and we are black and this is still "the deep South." -- MRS. V.W. BROWN, ATLANTA
DEAR MRS. BROWN: Contrary to what some may believe, there are many young people in the South -- and elsewhere -- who have been raised to see people first, not their race. Still, it's nice to see a testimonial to that fact.
Thank you for sharing your act of kindness. I consider it an antidote to some of the things we see on the evening news. Perhaps it will stimulate others to be Good Samaritans should they happen upon someone in need of help.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Getting Old Doesn't Mean Losing Your Sense of Humor
DEAR ABBY: You have printed some "You know you are getting older when" letters recently. I recall that you had a piece or two in your column on the same topic some years ago, and that they were very amusing. How about printing them again? -- JOSEPHINE MULLIGAN FROM MONTANA
DEAR JOSEPHINE: What a memory! Yes, that topic appeared in the column 10 years ago. Read on:
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN ...
-- You know all the answers but nobody asks you any questions.
-- You get winded playing checkers.
-- You need a fire permit to light all of your birthday candles and you need oxygen after blowing them out.
-- You order Geritol on the rocks.
-- You sink your teeth into a thick steak and they stay there.
-- You stop to think and sometimes forget to start again.
-- You don't need an alarm clock to get up with the chickens.
-- Your pacemaker opens the garage door whenever a cute gal goes by.
-- The only whistles you get are from a tea kettle.
-- A fortune-teller wants to read your face.
-- You finally get it all together, but can't remember where you put it.
-- You pray for a good prune-juice harvest.
Fortunately, today's seniors are more fit and youthful than ever before, so these may no longer be true. Read on:
-- Everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
-- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
-- Your little black book contains only names ending with M.D.
-- You look forward to a dull evening.
-- You join a health club and never go.
-- You need your glasses to find your glasses.
-- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going. -- Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
-- You have too much room in the house, and not enough in the medicine chest.
-- YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I get a kick out of the items you occasionally print about how you can tell when you're getting old. I think this is a good one: You know you're getting old when you bend down to pick something off the floor, and before you straighten up you ask yourself, "Is there anything else I can do while I'm down here?" -- LESS LIMBER IN FALLBROOK, CALIF.
DEAR LESS LIMBER: Thanks for the chuckle. People over 40 will identify with it -- once they straighten up.
DEAR ABBY: Your entertaining messages about "You know you're getting older when ..." remind me of one that recently brought me to a sudden reality: You know you're getting older when you introduce your son to someone as, "My son, the grandfather!" -- CHARLES J. COOK, MIDLOTHIAN, VA.
DEAR CHARLES: That's great, Great-grandfather! Congratulations on the new arrival.
DEAR ABBY: I got married six months ago and am now getting an annulment. I never got around to sending thank-you cards. What is the appropriate thing to do with the wedding gifts? -- FREE AGAIN IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR FREE AGAIN: Without going into detail, write each gift giver and explain that your marriage is being annulled and thank him or her for the lovely gift. If the gift is unused, offer to return it.
P.S.: I hope your next relationship is everything this one was not.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)