For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Siblings' Plans for Matrimony Suffer From Parents' Parsimony
DEAR ABBY: Early this year, my brother and I both announced our engagements and agreed that our wedding dates would be within six months of each other. We're both in our early 20s, still living at home, and our parents are well-to-do.
Immediately after the announcements, our parents told us they could only give me (the bride) $7,000, and my brother would get half that amount. Considering the cost of weddings these days, this would hardly cover 25 percent of the expenses, but there was nothing we could do, so we went along with it. Our parents explained that they were in a tight financial situation at the moment, and this was all they were willing to put out for our weddings.
Exactly one month later, our parents purchased another home! Our family home is already large, but they consider the second house an "investment property." Both my brother and I are extremely hurt by this -- after being told that our parents were in a "financial bind," they were somehow able to scrape up the money for a new house.
Neither of us is planning a very large wedding -- only 150 guests or so -- but some of the money would have to cover our parents' guests, as well as ours. Our parents don't seem to understand this and are standing their ground, saying they have supported us all our lives, but they are not responsible for paying for our weddings.
They have also asked that since we both work, my brother and I start paying them rent until our wedding dates. We feel we should be saving our money at this time, but once again, our parents don't see it that way. I am a 4.0 college graduate, have worked and gone to school at the same time, and have always tried to be the model daughter. Abby, are my brother and I wrong to think that our parents are being selfish? -- SINGING THE WEDDING BELL BLUES
DEAR SINGING: Yes, you are wrong. Please change your tune. A wedding -- or money toward a wedding -- is a GIFT. It is not an entitlement. Your parents have told you what they feel they can comfortably afford. Please accept it like the mature, about-to-marry adults you are.
While it would be wonderful if your parents would support you all the way to the altar, it's clear that for whatever reasons, they feel they can no longer carry that burden. You and your brother are over 21 and ready to build futures of your own. It's time to grow up and accept the responsibilities your parents are asking you to take on without sulking.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and dating a 25-year-old married man. Three months ago he left his wife and moved closer to me. We were spending 24/7 together -- and it was wonderful.
A few weeks ago, he decided that for the sake of his three children he would give his marriage another chance. Now he is back living with his family and seeing me on the side. I'm heartbroken. We were just getting somewhere, and now I'm back at "square one" -- alone most of the time.
I've tried staying away from him, but I can't. I know in my heart that he will leave his wife soon, and we'll be 24/7 again. Abby, what if he comes back to me, and then changes his mind again? -- HURT AND CONFUSED
DEAR HURT: What IF? If you think this romance is going anywhere, you're dreaming. Stop wasting your time. Your lover made his choice when he returned to his family. Trust me, the time has come to accept reality and go on with your life.
'Call Police' Banner Gives Driver Measure of Security
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I purchased a "Please Call Police" banner that you mentioned in your column. It was to be used by people in need of emergency roadside assistance. I am 80 years old and all alone. I use two hearing aids and cannot use a car phone because I need a special one with "TTY."
Fortunately, when I had occasion to use my plastic banner, it was during the day. I displayed my banner in my rear window, but cars kept passing me by. Finally I got out of the car and held the sign in my hands. That caught the attention of a policeman cruising by several lanes away. He was able to double back and come to my assistance.
For someone my age, breaking down on the highway was very scary.
Would you please print the address where I can order the "Please Call Police" banners again? I need several more. I would like to order them for my daughter-in-law and granddaughters. Thanks, Abby. -- HARRIET M., PHILADELPHIA
DEAR HARRIET: I'm happy to oblige. With the holidays on the horizon, I'm also pleased to remind readers that "Please Call Police" banners make terrific stocking stuffers. Knowing they are in the glove compartment brings immeasurable peace of mind not only to senior citizens, but also to the parents of teen-age drivers. Many people order two of them -- one for the windshield and one for the rear window -- so the message can be read by cars traveling in both directions.
To order, write WCIL Banners, P.O. Box 92501, Los Angeles, CA 90009. You will receive one "Please Call Police" banner for a $5 contribution to the Westside Center for Independent Living (WCIL). With each additional $4 contribution, another banner will be included. (Please send an additional $1 per order for postage and handling.)
Checks or money orders (U.S. funds only, please) should be made payable to WCIL-Banners. Allow 4 to 8 weeks for delivery.
The Westside Center for Independent Living is a not-for-profit organization that helps people with disabilities to live independently. For more information about it, the Web site is www.wcil.org.
DEAR ABBY: I just read your answer to "Carol in Mentor, Ohio," who asked if she should give up her dog in order to marry the "dog hater." As a pastor who has done marriage counseling for 21 years, may I commend you for your flawless advice.
I have studied and observed this scenario and similar others for years. The fact that a man can hate someone's beloved pets almost always serves as a huge red flag for deep problems. If nothing else, it is a revelation of selfishness that might not be exposed until after the "best foot forward" is removed.
Hats off to you, Abby. This pastor gives you two-paws-up, along with a paw-full of high-fives. -- PASTOR STUART SEGALL, BURLINGTON, WASH.
DEAR PASTOR SEGALL: Woof! Woof!
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Ex Boyfriend's Manipulative Power Is All in Girl's Mind
DEAR ABBY: After being apart for two years, I recently encountered this guy I used to go with. He was always a manipulative jerk. But once again, I let him kiss me and shivers went down my spine.
He gave me his phone number; however, I keep getting his answering machine. I'm dying to talk to him, even though he always treated me so badly. I can't stop thinking about him. It's driving me crazy.
I can't leave my number on his machine, because I live with my boyfriend. I realize it's not good for me to talk to him, but for some reason, I feel I need to. I can't make myself throw away his number either, because I've already got it memorized.
Why, oh why am I so desperate to contact him? Is it because he has this manipulative power over me? -- GOING CRAZY OVER A JERK
DEAR GOING CRAZY: Heck no! This isn't about anything your former boyfriend is "doing" to you -- you're doing this to yourself. On some level, you have a need to be punished, and he is providing it.
Unless you stop obsessing and let it go, your compulsion will cost you the boyfriend you already have.
DEAR ABBY: Bless Jack Salisbury's heart, whose letter explained that people with a hearing impairment can be in danger because of their inability to hear high-frequency sounds. Due to loud explosions and the constant roar of airplanes during World War II, I am profoundly deaf in the high frequencies. I don't hear birds singing, the music of piccolos, cell phones or smoke alarms.
I have stood unaware beneath a blaring smoke alarm while my wife called to me from three rooms away asking if I had burned the toast!
Abby, I have brought this problem to the attention of fire chiefs and smoke alarm companies, however nothing has been done about it. The alarm companies point out that there are alarms with strobe lights, which is true -- but they can't take the place of alarms we can hear.
What is needed are appliances with frequencies of 1,500 to 2,000 megahertz. Most of us can distinguish those frequencies. Please bring this issue to the attention of those who can solve the problem. -- KEMAL SAIED, SAND SPRINGS, OKLA.
DEAR KEMAL: Fully one-third of our population over the age of 65 has significant hearing loss. Add to that the number of younger people whose hearing has been impaired from rock concerts and discotheques, and the market for appliances such as you describe becomes appreciable. A basic principle of business is the importance of continual improvement. I hope at least one entrepreneur or inventor will take note of these facts and regard your complaint as an opportunity.
P.S. Another point worth noting: People with hearing loss are frequently in denial about it. Untreated hearing loss can lead not only to isolation, anxiety, frustration and depression, it can also lead to accidents and suicide -- more reasons why it's so important to get one's hearing checked regularly, and if a hearing aid is indicated, to use one.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)