To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Abusers Say the Right Things Until Next Time They Get Mad
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Daughter of an Iron-Willed Mom," whose mother is against her reuniting with her abusive boyfriend. Perhaps she will listen to someone who's been there.
My ex-husband was abusive. I continued to forgive him and go back to him over and over, until all my family and friends refused to help me anymore. My 10-year-old daughter and I were homeless and at our wits' end for nine months before I finally landed on my feet. It was pure hell.
After seven years of hard work and heartache, we are secure and stable and have no more worries about that man returning. He finally found some other poor woman to terrorize and has remarried.
Please, Abby, inform the woman that abusers talk a good game because they really believe what they're saying -- until the next time they get mad. Then the deep-seated patterns that lead to abusive behavior reassert themselves, and they are unable to control their anger, no matter how many promises they've made. I know. And I have the scars to prove it. -- NEVER AGAIN IN ASHLAND, ORE.
DEAR NEVER AGAIN: I'm printing your letter in the hope that "Daughter" will see it. Although a minority of batterers can change, the vast majority of them will not recognize that they are the ones with the problem. They are convinced that their victims "deserved" the battery. They are sociopaths -- unable to identify with the feelings of other people.
The worst kind of batterers -- the psychopaths -- are the ones who turn up in media reports. These sick male batterers are responsible for the murders of at least four women a day in this country -- and when secondary victims of their unbridled rage (children, relatives, neighbors) are added, the numbers probably double.
My experts tell me that batterers rarely accept responsibility for their violent behavior, and because of that, they are not motivated to change.
The victims of domestic abuse are the ones most likely to be helped by counseling. They often believe the batterer when told the abuse was their own fault, but with the help of a trained counselor, this untruth can be exposed and the unwarranted guilt can be erased.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old single mother of two terrific boys, 8 and 10. It's been a little more than two years since my divorce, and I have recently started dating.
Lucky for me, I met a wonderful man who is 52 years young. He's very active and doesn't look his age. I have never met anyone who shared so many of my interests. We water-ski, scuba-dive, Rollerblade, go to movies, enjoy the same foods -- and so many other things.
We've been seeing each other four months now, and it's been wonderful -- except for one thing: He doesn't want the responsibility of raising children. He seems to love mine, but says that because he never had his own, he doesn't have the desire to be a dad.
Other than this one issue, we have a wonderful relationship, and he would like me to be more free to travel with him. However, it's hard for me to leave my children for two weeks at a time.
About a month ago, I wrote him a letter telling him that maybe we should both move on. I told him I cared for him dearly, but didn't think it was fair for him to hold on to me when I'm not exactly what he is looking for. We talked it over and decided that since things were going so well for us, we should continue our relationship until things change. He's very attractive and has given me no reason to move on; however, in the back of my mind I wonder if I am wasting my time, since I know he doesn't want a real role in my kids' lives.
Abby, what should I do? Leave our romance "as is" or force myself to move on? -- TOTALLY CONFUSED IN FLORIDA
DEAR TOTALLY CONFUSED: At this time in your sons' lives, they need to be your top priority. Focus on that, and I have a hunch everything else will fall into place -- whether or not this man remains in the picture.
DEAR ABBY: Ten years ago, my husband decided that we would purchase a motor home and travel.
Biggest mistake I ever made. He refuses to look at a map. I am supposed to give the exact directions to all places, and if I get us lost, he goes totally berserk. We spend our nights in dirty truck stops; we do not "see the sights" because he passes everything by. I am supposed to do all the cooking, cleaning, etc. And to top it off, I get to do the laundry in the seediest Laundromats -- with no help from him.
We spend two or three months a year cooped up in this tiny space while he watches TV (his channels). I have no place to carry a few hobby-type things to keep me from getting bored. Most of the time he's in a rotten mood, and I can't get away.
Ladies, please think twice before your better half talks you into an RV. I would love to stay home, but he's so unreasonable, he won't hear of it. I try to tell him my feelings, but he doesn't want to hear them. How do I handle this situation? I simply hate this lifestyle. It is not fun. It is claustrophobic and inconvenient. -- RV PRISONER IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR PRISONER: It's time to parole yourself. You have tolerated this situation far longer than most women would have. RVing is not for everyone. Turn up the volume and inform your jailer that you've served your time. Either he immediately begins pulling his fair share of the "housekeeping" chores and sharing the remote control, or you're on the next plane home. Then do it.
DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Fuming in Ridgefield, N.J.," who was upset because she didn't receive a thank-you letter from her friend's daughter after sending a wedding gift.
A few months following my wedding, a friend of mine was married and I sent a gift. During the time that her thank-you notes would have been written, I moved to another address. Although I had my mail forwarded, I know of several pieces I did not receive. Because I didn't receive a thank-you note from my friend, I assumed it was lost in the mail, and I have never mentioned it to her. While I agree that it is unacceptable not to send a thank-you for a gift, I thought this might shed some light on why some people may not receive one. -- THANKFUL IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR THANKFUL: If an acknowledgment of a gift is not forthcoming, the giver should diplomatically ask if the gift was received. Let me share a story with you:
One day I was talking with the late David Orgell, a brilliant retailer in Beverly Hills, whose store was patronized by celebrities and other wealthy folk. What he told me was an eye-opener. He said that finding delivery people he could trust was an ongoing problem, because packages were sometimes stolen by store couriers. He said florists and other retailers experience the same frustrating problem. He was emphatic that if acknowledgment of a gift is not received, the sender should follow up by asking if the package ever arrived. He also suggested that when instructing a store to deliver a gift, proof of delivery should be requested -- meaning that someone must sign for it.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have a major dilemma. I began dating "Edward" six months ago. Edward's grandmother and I took a special interest in each other and soon became great friends. Three months later, she fell ill and passed on. God rest her soul.
Now the problem: She left her entire estate to me! This includes property, two cars, her home and a handsome sum of money. The family was shocked to learn of this, and so was I. Now I'm afraid Edward's family resents me.
Should I hand everything over to her only remaining son, Edward's father, or keep it? I am not sure if I should honor her wishes or make the family happy. I really love Edward and hope to have a serious future with him. I don't want any ill will with his family. Please help. -- UNEXPECTED HEIRESS
DEAR HEIRESS: Before you make any hasty decisions, speak with the attorney who helped Edward's grandmother make her will. It might give you some insight into her motivation for naming you and excluding the family. It is possible she felt she had already provided enough financially over the years for her only remaining son and his family. Even if you now feel like the object of resentment, there is no guarantee that handing over your inheritance will make those feelings go away.
It goes without saying that this is a decision that only you can make. So think carefully about the implications and take plenty of time. Continue to work on your relationship with Edward -- and "que sera sera."
DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion, based on my experience, for "Colorado Lady in Waiting," who is in love with "Bob" after dating him for seven months. He wanted her to be his girlfriend, but didn't want her to go with him when he moved out of state, saying he "wasn't sure he wanted to commit."
Twenty years ago, I maintained a four-year long-distance relationship with a boyfriend. Everything seemed fine. Then suddenly he advised me that he had met someone else. I was devastated and unable to form a lasting relationship for years, as I trusted no one.
Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder; absence makes the heart forget.
My boyfriend left me for a woman he felt would make him a better financial partner. The joke was on him. I made my first million when I was 40. I found him recently via the Internet and discovered that his marriage is an unhappy one, and he regretted the decision he made so many years ago. Today I am ... SADDER, OLDER AND WISER
DEAR SADDER, OLDER AND WISER: Sadder? Please reconsider and settle for older and wiser. Be grateful that this man showed his true colors and made another woman miserable for 20 years. There but for the grace of God go you!
DEAR ABBY: I've been dating a sweet guy for a while. We really like each other and have a lot of fun together. The problem is, he's shorter than me. All I think about is the difference in our height. Please advise me what to do. -- NOT SEEING EYE-TO-EYE
DEAR NOT: With pleasure. Recognize your priorities. If he has an ear you can confide in, a mind that's open and a heart that's generous, he has all the equipment you need for a beautiful relationship. The measure of a man should be from eyebrows up. To disqualify someone because of a height requirement would be shortsighted and the "height" of stupidity.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)