To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lonely Residents in Nursing Homes Suffer From Neglect
DEAR ABBY: I know you reach millions of readers, so please print this letter. It could save someone's life.
If a friend or a relative has been shuttled into a nursing home, I beg you to please visit him or her at least 20 minutes a month. Just drop by to say, "Hello." Let the person know you care.
Many older folks -- "our finest generation" -- have been cast aside like old shoes to live out a dead-end existence in nursing homes. They are lonely -- suffering physically, mentally and emotionally -- because they have been discarded and forgotten.
Some nursing homes do not have enough trained staff or the facilities to properly care for their patients. Because many "dear ones" have no one to visit and monitor their care, the homes have become negligent, and they're getting away with it.
You can make a difference. You must make a difference! -- SOS (SAVE OUR SENIORS)
DEAR SOS: Sadly, I suspect much of what you say is true. However, it would be unfair to label all skilled nursing facilities as "negligent." Although some are understaffed, many of them employ caring staff and provide social programs for their residents.
That said, nothing takes the place of a visit from an old friend or loving relative.
DEAR ABBY: I am attending two upcoming weddings where money has been requested as a gift. One couple are close family members on my husband's side. We have not known the other couple that long, but they are members of our church. I am unsure about how much money is appropriate to give each couple. I feel as though we should give more to my husband's brother than to a couple to whom we are not related. How much is enough? -- STUCK IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.
DEAR STUCK: Your question is one that I am frequently asked, and the answer is there is no "fixed" amount. It depends upon your level of disposable income. However, I agree with you that it is appropriate to give your in-law a more generous gift than you would to casual friends you have only recently met.
DEAR ABBY: So much has been said about road rage that I would like to share a heartwarming experience I recently had on the Santa Monica Freeway in Los Angeles.
I was in the middle lane, the traffic was heavy -- and my car died. My heart pounded. I feared the worst. But no one yelled at me. No one made an obscene gesture. No one shot at me. Instead, folks patiently pulled around my car and signaled others to do likewise (even my flashers were out!).
Soon, a young Hispanic couple got out of their car and pushed me to the side of the road. They refused to accept any money. I no sooner thanked them than a pleasant motorcycle officer arrived and summoned a tow truck.
Within the hour, my car was in the mechanic's shop and I was home enjoying a cool lemonade.
From start to finish, everyone was kind to me -- even the mechanic charged me less than the going rate. I feel blessed to have been surrounded by so many generous, caring people. -- HAPPY MOTORIST IN SOUTH PASADENA, CALIF.
DEAR HAPPY MOTORIST: The majority of people in this world are kind and caring. I'm pleased that you found a high percentage of them in one place.
Designer's High Success Can't Match Family's Expectations
DEAR ABBY: I was always interested in computers and pretty adept at working with them, so I combined this interest with my love for graphic design and began producing small Web pages for friends. One of the pages I designed was seen by a large New York advertising company, and it started throwing me clients so I could make some extra cash. Their in-house designer was a whiz with pen and paper, but keyboard and mouse were foreign concepts to him.
Within two months, I was able to quit my full-time job and design full time, and was earning more than before. I loved the work and didn't mind the deadlines. My family seemed pleased that I was doing well in a job I enjoyed.
Three months later, I got a call from the executive V.P. of the firm. He asked if I wanted to be the new V.P. of the newly created computer graphics development department. It meant a move to New York, but a generous salary with perks and benefits. I took the job and left for the Big Apple.
Although I came home as often as time would allow, I was now regarded as "the successful one with no time for his family." At my younger brother's wedding, I gave them a beautiful Tiffany lamp and a nice check -- however, they looked at me like I was shorting them because I didn't give them the keys to a new car or an all-expenses-paid trip to Europe.
I sent my parents on a three-week Caribbean cruise for their anniversary; they had never been on one and had had few vacations in the past. Now, every relative I have expects the same extravagant gifts. What should I tell them? -- TOO SUCCESSFUL IN N.Y.C.
DEAR TOO SUCCESSFUL: I can think of no load more difficult to carry than the burden of other people's expectations. Your relatives are greedy and presumptuous. If they have the gall to raise the subject of what gifts you "ought" to give them, tell them no one has all the money that others assume they have, including YOU. It's the truth.
DEAR ABBY: If you have been asked this question before, please forgive me. I was wondering what the proper etiquette is about going out (not dating -- just appearing in public) after your husband dies. Is there a waiting period?
My husband passed away two weeks ago. I attended our church festival with two girlfriends, and I felt like I was being stared at. We didn't stay long.
I am only 51 and my husband was 52. I know he would not have wanted me to stay at home -- but I want to do the right thing. -- NEWLY WIDOWED, BADEN, PA.
DEAR NEWLY WIDOWED: I have always felt that the time to show "respect" for a spouse is while the person is living. The right time to resume a social life varies from person to person. If you felt you needed some company and diversion, no one should criticize you for it. However, some people are by nature critical and judgmental. If you live your life to please them, you'll be making a mistake. Enjoy every minute with which you are blessed.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Objecting to Foul Words Gets Double Dose of 'Air Rage'
DEAR ABBY: After many hours of delays and waiting, my parents and I finally got on a plane to return home. When the flight landed, we sat on the runway for almost an hour waiting for a gate to open up. A man in the row behind us turned on his cell phone and called someone explaining the situation, using the "F" word in between just about every word he said. He was standing in the aisle and his voice was loud.
My father turned and said, "Excuse me, but there are women and children on this plane. Would you mind watching your language, please?" The man became belligerent and said, "No one could hear me!" Then my mother piped up, "I could hear you." Someone traveling with this foul-mouthed person turned to my father and said, "You don't know who you are messing with!" Next thing I knew, another person involved himself, verbally abusing and threatening my father. The flight attendant just stood there and watched the entire episode without saying a word.
Abby, the exchange left me feeling that there is no common decency left in this world. Instead of saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking so loud," or, "I apologize for using that language in front of your wife and daughter," he looked for an excuse. Whatever happened to having respect for those around you when you're in public? Are we supposed to tolerate anything and everything that comes our way, and refrain from standing up for what is right, for fear of an altercation? Was my father wrong to turn and say what was on his mind? -- SICK OF DISRESPECT IN DALLAS
DEAR SICK: Your father wasn't wrong to speak up. However, he did take a chance of sparking an altercation. The man behind him may have been drunk as well as belligerent. The seat companion who pointed out that your father "didn't know who he was messing with," was right. The man could have had serious mental problems or a record of violent crime as long as your father's arm.
In years past, people followed certain rules of behavior in public. In the last few years, we have become aware of violent outbursts on aircraft. In response, strict penalties have been put into effect for passengers who cannot control their behavior. Perhaps the rules should be broadened to include people who turn the air around them blue with profanity.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful guy for almost three months. We fell madly in love almost immediately, and have been having a great time ever since. He recently gave me a "promise ring" -- a promise that he will ask me to marry him.
I love the idea, but I have one problem. It fits my ring finger, but I don't know which hand to wear it on. Do you have any suggestions? I don't want to commit a faux pas by wearing it on the wrong hand, yet I would like it to be obvious that I am spoken for. -- JANELLE IN SOLANA BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR JANELLE: If you want to communicate the idea that you are spoken for, I can't think of a better way to communicate that fact than by wearing the promise ring on the third finger of your left hand.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)