Readers, this is Abby again: For information about Down syndrome, and to be put in touch with local Down syndrome organizations, write to the National Down Syndrome Congress, 7000 Peachtree-Dunwoody Road NE, Building 5, Suite 100, Atlanta, GA 30328-1655. Its hotline -- (800) 232-NDSC (6372) -- also offers a wealth of information on any subject related to Down syndrome. A telephone call can provide you with that difficult-to-find information or assist you in establishing contact with other parents of children with Down syndrome. The Web site is: www.ndsccenter.org.
Raising Child With Disability Is Journey Full of Surprise
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, a mother of a disabled child sent you a moving essay, "Welcome to Holland." It became one of my most treasured pieces, but unfortunately I have lost my copy. Could you please reprint it for me and your readers? -- A GRANDMA IN NASHVILLE
DEAR GRANDMA: With pleasure. I am frequently asked to reprint the essay written by Emily Perl Kingsley, a wonderful mother whose child had Down syndrome. October is National Down Syndrome Awareness Month, and this essay is dedicated to the parents and grandparents of all children who cope with disabilities.
WELCOME TO HOLLAND
by Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability -- to try to help people who have not shared the unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this ...
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip -- to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. Michelangelo's "David." The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The flight attendant comes and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. You must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Attempt to Boost Friend's Ego Leaves Winner Feeling Guilty
DEAR ABBY: I just returned from the gym, and I feel terrible. My friend, "Norm," and I are experienced racquetball players, but only recently began playing against each other. Norm has never beaten me and is rarely able to keep the score close.
I recently read about a man in his 70s -- a scratch golfer -- who occasionally loses to lesser players when he feels they could use an ego boost. Of course, the other player has no idea that he has been allowed to win.
When I got to the gym this morning for my game with Norm, he began his litany of woes: divorced, estranged from family, barely ekes out a good living, etc. I immediately thought about the golf story, and decided that Norm would win today.
The game started strongly in Norm's favor. I had my hands full just trying to keep up with him. I had decided to keep it close -- hit most of the shots to his strong forehand and avoid his weak backhand at all costs. Several times I had to rally to tie up the score. Before long, Norm had 20 points to my 15 (21 wins it). At that point I did all I could to feed his forehand, not hit any tough shots and let him make the winning shot. He was unable to do so.
Finally, after a long volley, Norm hit the ball to me in a perfect "kill" situation. Before I knew what had happened, the game was over. I had won again.
Afterward, I told Norm he had played a great game and complimented him on his effort. However, my words felt hollow. I had won. He had lost. The opportunity was gone. I feel miserable. My competitive nature would not give up.
What now? -- FEELING GUILTY IN ALBUQUERQUE
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Now you continue playing racquetball with Norm and forgo throwing any of the games. Norm gave you a run for your money, and soon he's going to beat you fair and square. When he does, the victory will be genuine and the two of you should go out and celebrate. That is, if your competitive nature will permit you to enjoy another person's victory.
DEAR ABBY: I am confused. I received an invitation to my uncle's 80th birthday party, which is being given by his children. The invitation states, "No presents but your presence."
The other night my sister and mother asked me what I was giving to my uncle for his birthday. I said nothing but a card, as the invitation requested. My mother said she knows what the invitation said, but she was going to give him money, and my sister said she wasn't sure what she was giving, but she knows that my cousins would give "something" to my father under similar circumstances.
I was viewed as "difficult" by both of them because I feel strongly that you follow what an invitation requests, and it's unfair to others not to. My sister said, "Why is it that the people who choose not to do what they want are made to feel awkward?" I answered, "It's not you who's made to feel awkward; it's the people who follow instructions and come without a gift while others show up with one."
Please help, Abby. I don't know what to do or what is right. -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE IN OHIO
DEAR BETWEEN: You are not "difficult" for following your host's instructions. Guests who feel they "must" do something for the honoree when no gifts have been requested may make a donation in that person's name to his or her favorite charity. That way, no one is embarrassed for having followed the host's instructions.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Door Slams Shut on Roommate Looking to Trade Up for Space
DEAR ABBY: I live in a three-bedroom apartment with two roommates. Since I was the last to move in, I have the smallest bedroom. Now, the person who occupies the largest bedroom is moving out, and I would like to move into his room. However, when I told him about this, he informed me that his cousin will be moving into the apartment after he leaves, and he will give the room to him.
I think this is unfair, since we all pay the same rent, and I have wanted that room for years. He feels he can do this because he was the one who lived here originally, and his parents are good friends with the landlord. I do not believe he should be able to make a decision that will go into effect after he is gone. Please advise. -- JIM IN THE HAMPTONS
DEAR JIM: Although your roommate's parents are friends of the landlord, this is business. The answer to your question might depend upon whose signature is on the lease for the apartment. Talk to your landlord.
P.S. Perhaps in the future, the person who occupies the largest bedroom should pay a larger share of the rent.
DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who is being married. The couple sent out two types of invitations: The first are embossed and elegant. The other is computer-generated and cheap-looking.
I think it was tasteless because, of course, I received the cheaper invitation, which indicates that my presence is not as important as those who received the nicer invitation.
I am no longer sure I will attend the ceremony. I value your opinion. What do you think I should do? -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Feeling as you do, send the couple a lovely card wishing them every happiness and forgo attending the wedding.
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my grandson came to live with me. He is a single, working adult. Lately I've noticed mail that once came addressed to me now comes addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith." Telemarketers call for John Smith, and if my grandson is not home, ask for Mrs. Smith.
Abby, I am Mrs. Smith, but not Mrs. John Smith. One solicitor even asked if the co-owner of the house was available! I don't owe these people an explanation, but I do have to say something. Any suggestions? -- NOT MRS. JOHN SMITH, LOS ANGELES
DEAR NOT MRS. JOHN SMITH: Yes. First, apprise your grandson of the situation. Next, tell these callers you are "not interested," and to please remove your name from their list. Then hang up.
DEAR ABBY: While on our honeymoon, my wife called her first love and set up dinner for the three of us. Things were going well until I noticed she was looking at him with a little too much interest. She got upset with me when I mentioned it back in our honeymoon suite.
Later, she told me if I didn't let her go see him alone she would divorce me. She went and offered herself to him. He told her no man should go through what I had to go through on his honeymoon -- and he sent her back to me.
She asked my forgiveness and wants to get on with our lives. I look at her differently now and am trying to love her as I did before, but it's hard. What do you think? -- ALMOST JILTED ON THE JERSEY SHORE
DEAR ALMOST JILTED: Speak to a lawyer about an annulment. In my opinion, your marriage was over before it started.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)