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Man Strains to See Beyond Wife's Long Ago Infidelity
DEAR ABBY: A year and a half ago, my wife of 18 years confessed to an infidelity I had feared in the back of my mind all along. In our second year together, I was in the military. We were stationed overseas. We had a small group of friends -- couples and singles -- who partied three or four nights a week. We never allowed the parties to get too crazy, but occasionally someone would sleep overnight on our couch if they weren't sober enough to drive home.
One evening I returned from work very tired, and after a few beers, I retired early. A few friends were still hanging around, but were leaving soon. It happened in the adjacent room with one of my best friends, while our 2-year-old and I slept.
Since I found out the truth, I have experienced all of the emotions -- betrayal, sadness, shock, hatred, anxiety, denial, etc. After talking to two family counselors, three preachers, a psychiatrist, my parents, God, reading tons of books, fishing, taking countless long walks trying to reason why -- and finally attempting to talk to her alone -- what else can I do? (She refuses to discuss it further.) It still bothers me every single day. There has to be some relief from this continuous bad feeling I am trying desperately to get rid of.
Nothing has worked so far. I don't want to say divorce is the answer, because this happened so long ago. However, at times, it seems like it happened yesterday.
Once again, what else can I do? -- LIVING IN A GRAY WORLD
DEAR LIVING: Learning that your wife committed adultery once, 18 years ago, must have come as a terrible blow -- even though you had your suspicions. It is not surprising you have experienced all the emotions that come with the death of your illusions.
However, if you want your marriage to heal, it's time to stop concentrating on the past and devote your energies toward rebuilding. This may include accepting some of the responsibility for having made your home "party central" while you were stationed abroad. It's the quickest way I can think of to stop viewing yourself as a victim, and that, I suspect, is what is prolonging your depression.
By now, you've gathered a lot of advice from two family counselors, three preachers, a psychiatrist, your parents, God and self-help books. (You may have even written to more than one advice columnist!) Consider this: Marriages take work on the part of both spouses. You and your wife have nearly two decades invested in each other. Unless you're willing to forgive your wife her long past indiscretion and allow some joy back in your lives, your marriage is already finished, and you might as well move on. Which is more important to you -- hanging onto your anger and disappointment or your marriage?
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married on a four-day cruise to Mexico. We would like to invite many of our friends, but are unable to purchase all those tickets.
Is there an appropriate way to invite them to join us -- at their expense? -- EXCITED IN IOWA
DEAR EXCITED: Write your prospective guests a short note giving them the news of your upcoming nuptials. Explain that you would love to have them join you, but your budget does not permit you to pick up the tab. Include the name of your travel agent and the cruise line. If enough people are interested in booking passage, perhaps they can get a reduced rate.
P.S. Those who choose to attend will probably regard their presence as your wedding gift -- so forewarned is forearmed. Bon voyage! And I hope your marriage is smooth sailing.
May December Romance Chills With Man's Increasing Infirmity
DEAR ABBY: I read with great interest the letter from "Confused in South Carolina," who, at the age of 52, had fallen in love with a 70-year-old man. I read her criteria for a "lifetime mate" and yes -- he certainly has wonderful qualities.
Let me share a real-life scenario: When my father was 70, he took up with a lovely, caring woman 21 years younger. They had a wonderful life together and enjoyed each other enormously, until my aging father began to have a series of strokes that slowly eroded their relationship.
With each stroke he became more dependent, belligerent and less able to continue doing the things they so enjoyed in the beginning of their courtship. She soon tired of playing nursemaid, and the relationship fell apart.
The only advice I can offer "Confused" is to go ahead with this love of hers. But do it knowing that when you take up with an elderly gentleman, your final days could be filled with attending to his basic needs. And believe me, that will be the true test of your love for him. -- DAUGHTER WHO KNOWS, RAPID CITY, S.D.
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your warning is sobering, but I'm pleased to report that of all the mail I received in response to that letter, your father's experience was in the distinct minority. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a warning for "Confused in South Carolina." CAUTION: Marry this older man only if you can stand to be adored, admired and cherished as a lover and best friend. I should know. I followed my heart and married Rick, who was 19 years my senior. Abby, that was 21 years ago, and I have never been happier. -- SYLVIA CUMMINGS, L.A.
DEAR ABBY: I was 43 and my husband was 66 when we married. We had many happy years together and I would marry him again in a heartbeat. We both recognized that my husband would probably predecease me, and he was foresighted enough to make housing and financial arrangements for me after he was gone. If he hadn't, my stepchildren would have tossed me out immediately after the funeral.
If her intended has children, "Confused" should ensure that he has made suitable arrangements for her after he's gone. The first step would be a new will -- not necessarily excluding his children, but making sure she'll be provided for. -- TALLAHASSEE READER
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 32 years passed away in 1990. She had been manic depressive during most of the marriage, and it was no bed of roses. That same year I met the daughter of an old friend, and in 1992 she moved in with me. In 1993 we married. At the time she was 47 and I was 74. I am now 81 and she has reached the ripe old age of 54.
It has been a very successful marriage for both of us. I still work; she's a professional artist. We travel a lot (last year we went to China -- Gobi Desert and all). We share a common world view, a rich sense of humor and laugh a lot. I tell her every day how much I love her, and we both enjoy physical affection. I have been living in a state of euphoria the last eight years.
Of course, we both know that eventually Mother Nature will not be denied, but we're having a wonderful time. When my time comes I will go happily, and she'll have memories that will last the rest of her life. So, "Confused," get with it -- before it's too late! -- JOYFUL OCTOGENARIAN IN SAN FRANCISCO
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DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and have been going out with my boyfriend for 13 months. He is my best friend. His mom is sick and always on some sort of drug, but she takes all of her pain out on him. She refuses to listen to anything he has to say, and cuts him off with, "No! You are wrong!" I have even heard her claim that she hates him. She refuses to listen to reason. His dad just says, "Listen to your mom; she is sick."
I think he is becoming depressed when he is at home. Outside of the house he is cheerful, but inside he is neglected, ignored and yelled at.
Are there any other methods of getting her to listen to him that don't involve talking or letter-writing? -- CONCERNED IN WEST CHESTER, PA.
DEAR CONCERNED: The teen-age years can be difficult in the best of circumstances. No one should have to navigate them feeling alienated and alone.
Since your boyfriend's mother is physically or mentally ill, and unable to relate lovingly, calmly or rationally to her son -- and his father is unable to intercede for him -- suggest he consider finding another adult in whom he can confide. Eligible candidates might be a trusted aunt or uncle, a grandparent, a teacher or counselor at school, or his clergyperson.
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Had It in Houston," who was tired of the neighbor child hanging out at their house all day, every day?
I was that uninvited child until I reached the age of 15. I was sent home at dinnertime or when friends had to do their homework. I felt like an outcast.
When I was 15, my family moved to a different community and I made a new friend, Kelly. To this day she remains my closest friend. I was welcomed at her house. Her parents didn't send me home. They included me and made me feel important. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt wanted.
Twenty-five years later, Kelly, her sister and her parents are still a part of my family. I love them all and would like to take this opportunity to say thank you.
My message to "Had It" is simple: Please don't turn your neighbor child away. Children need to feel wanted -- to know that someone is there for them. You have been chosen by this child. Appreciate the honor. -- SHERRI IN CINCINNATI
DEAR SHERRI: Your letter is one that will be appreciated by many latchkey (and former latchkey) children. Single parents -- and many couples -- must work in order to make ends meet. Although we may wish it weren't the case, sometimes it does "take a village" to raise a child. One can only hope that the citizens of the village are willing and able when the need arises.
DEAR ABBY: When it is said that after Labor Day you shouldn't wear white, I was always under the impression that this pertains only to purses and shoes or sandals. Is it acceptable to still wear white slacks, pants or capri pants? -- CARLA IN WINDHAM, OHIO
DEAR CARLA: The old "rules of dress" have been relaxed to the point that they have nearly disappeared in the last 20 years. At this point, it's often a matter of common sense.
If the weather is still warm and summery, I see no harm in wearing summer-weight -- and summer-colored -- clothes until it turns cool. At that point, heavier fabrics are practical, and an off-white ("winter white") is acceptable.
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