For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
May December Romance Chills With Man's Increasing Infirmity
DEAR ABBY: I read with great interest the letter from "Confused in South Carolina," who, at the age of 52, had fallen in love with a 70-year-old man. I read her criteria for a "lifetime mate" and yes -- he certainly has wonderful qualities.
Let me share a real-life scenario: When my father was 70, he took up with a lovely, caring woman 21 years younger. They had a wonderful life together and enjoyed each other enormously, until my aging father began to have a series of strokes that slowly eroded their relationship.
With each stroke he became more dependent, belligerent and less able to continue doing the things they so enjoyed in the beginning of their courtship. She soon tired of playing nursemaid, and the relationship fell apart.
The only advice I can offer "Confused" is to go ahead with this love of hers. But do it knowing that when you take up with an elderly gentleman, your final days could be filled with attending to his basic needs. And believe me, that will be the true test of your love for him. -- DAUGHTER WHO KNOWS, RAPID CITY, S.D.
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your warning is sobering, but I'm pleased to report that of all the mail I received in response to that letter, your father's experience was in the distinct minority. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a warning for "Confused in South Carolina." CAUTION: Marry this older man only if you can stand to be adored, admired and cherished as a lover and best friend. I should know. I followed my heart and married Rick, who was 19 years my senior. Abby, that was 21 years ago, and I have never been happier. -- SYLVIA CUMMINGS, L.A.
DEAR ABBY: I was 43 and my husband was 66 when we married. We had many happy years together and I would marry him again in a heartbeat. We both recognized that my husband would probably predecease me, and he was foresighted enough to make housing and financial arrangements for me after he was gone. If he hadn't, my stepchildren would have tossed me out immediately after the funeral.
If her intended has children, "Confused" should ensure that he has made suitable arrangements for her after he's gone. The first step would be a new will -- not necessarily excluding his children, but making sure she'll be provided for. -- TALLAHASSEE READER
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 32 years passed away in 1990. She had been manic depressive during most of the marriage, and it was no bed of roses. That same year I met the daughter of an old friend, and in 1992 she moved in with me. In 1993 we married. At the time she was 47 and I was 74. I am now 81 and she has reached the ripe old age of 54.
It has been a very successful marriage for both of us. I still work; she's a professional artist. We travel a lot (last year we went to China -- Gobi Desert and all). We share a common world view, a rich sense of humor and laugh a lot. I tell her every day how much I love her, and we both enjoy physical affection. I have been living in a state of euphoria the last eight years.
Of course, we both know that eventually Mother Nature will not be denied, but we're having a wonderful time. When my time comes I will go happily, and she'll have memories that will last the rest of her life. So, "Confused," get with it -- before it's too late! -- JOYFUL OCTOGENARIAN IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and have been going out with my boyfriend for 13 months. He is my best friend. His mom is sick and always on some sort of drug, but she takes all of her pain out on him. She refuses to listen to anything he has to say, and cuts him off with, "No! You are wrong!" I have even heard her claim that she hates him. She refuses to listen to reason. His dad just says, "Listen to your mom; she is sick."
I think he is becoming depressed when he is at home. Outside of the house he is cheerful, but inside he is neglected, ignored and yelled at.
Are there any other methods of getting her to listen to him that don't involve talking or letter-writing? -- CONCERNED IN WEST CHESTER, PA.
DEAR CONCERNED: The teen-age years can be difficult in the best of circumstances. No one should have to navigate them feeling alienated and alone.
Since your boyfriend's mother is physically or mentally ill, and unable to relate lovingly, calmly or rationally to her son -- and his father is unable to intercede for him -- suggest he consider finding another adult in whom he can confide. Eligible candidates might be a trusted aunt or uncle, a grandparent, a teacher or counselor at school, or his clergyperson.
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Had It in Houston," who was tired of the neighbor child hanging out at their house all day, every day?
I was that uninvited child until I reached the age of 15. I was sent home at dinnertime or when friends had to do their homework. I felt like an outcast.
When I was 15, my family moved to a different community and I made a new friend, Kelly. To this day she remains my closest friend. I was welcomed at her house. Her parents didn't send me home. They included me and made me feel important. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt wanted.
Twenty-five years later, Kelly, her sister and her parents are still a part of my family. I love them all and would like to take this opportunity to say thank you.
My message to "Had It" is simple: Please don't turn your neighbor child away. Children need to feel wanted -- to know that someone is there for them. You have been chosen by this child. Appreciate the honor. -- SHERRI IN CINCINNATI
DEAR SHERRI: Your letter is one that will be appreciated by many latchkey (and former latchkey) children. Single parents -- and many couples -- must work in order to make ends meet. Although we may wish it weren't the case, sometimes it does "take a village" to raise a child. One can only hope that the citizens of the village are willing and able when the need arises.
DEAR ABBY: When it is said that after Labor Day you shouldn't wear white, I was always under the impression that this pertains only to purses and shoes or sandals. Is it acceptable to still wear white slacks, pants or capri pants? -- CARLA IN WINDHAM, OHIO
DEAR CARLA: The old "rules of dress" have been relaxed to the point that they have nearly disappeared in the last 20 years. At this point, it's often a matter of common sense.
If the weather is still warm and summery, I see no harm in wearing summer-weight -- and summer-colored -- clothes until it turns cool. At that point, heavier fabrics are practical, and an off-white ("winter white") is acceptable.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hope Repeatedly Springs Eternal for Bride on No. 12
DEAR ABBY: Is there any kind of legal limit or restriction on the number of times a person can be married and divorced?
I have three daughters, ages 30, 27 and 25. The oldest and youngest are both college graduates, have great careers and are still single. My middle daughter dropped out of high school when she was 16 to get married. We were opposed, but she was determined. "Lana" works as a waitress in a restaurant/bar. She has been married and divorced 11 times.
Lana and her newest boyfriend are going to get married. It has been only three months since she divorced her last husband. She has known this new boyfriend for only a few weeks. He is 38 years old and has a good business. This will be Lana's 12th marriage.
She says she wants all of our extended family to be invited, because it is her boyfriend's first wedding -- and she claims it will be her last. (We've heard that several times before.) Her boyfriend is paying all the wedding expenses; however, neither I nor her sisters, who will have to travel a great distance, are eager to attend. I will -- but I do not want to interrupt the lives of our extended family to have them attend another wedding that may end up in divorce sooner rather than later, as her 11 other marriages did. Your thoughts, please. -- MOTHER OF THE "BRIDE"
P.S. During a wedding, when the preacher asks if there is anyone present who knows why this man and woman should not be united in holy matrimony, what does that mean? Is someone actually expected to stand up and object? I object, but I doubt it will do any good.
DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter appears to be a super salesperson. It defies belief that someone with any degree of intelligence would marry a person with Lana's marital history after such a short engagement and no premarital counseling. There is either a sucker born every minute, or her fiance is a terminal optimist.
Since your daughter's fiance is paying for the wedding, they may invite whomever they wish. It's up to the relatives to decide whether or not to attend the 12th wedding. However, if they sent only their good wishes, I wouldn't blame them.
Unfortunately, there is no limit on the number of times a person can be married. Let's hope your daughter doesn't go for a baker's dozen.
To address the questions in your P.S.: Asking whether there is anyone present who knows why this man and woman should not be united in holy matrimony is a holdover from times when there were no phones, travel was difficult, and there was far less communication between communities than there has been in the last century. Its purpose was to reveal if there were any impediments to the union, such as the bride having been pledged to someone else, or the groom already being married. Another impediment might be that they were close blood relatives. Today, no one is expected to voice an objection.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)