To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 15 and have been going out with my boyfriend for 13 months. He is my best friend. His mom is sick and always on some sort of drug, but she takes all of her pain out on him. She refuses to listen to anything he has to say, and cuts him off with, "No! You are wrong!" I have even heard her claim that she hates him. She refuses to listen to reason. His dad just says, "Listen to your mom; she is sick."
I think he is becoming depressed when he is at home. Outside of the house he is cheerful, but inside he is neglected, ignored and yelled at.
Are there any other methods of getting her to listen to him that don't involve talking or letter-writing? -- CONCERNED IN WEST CHESTER, PA.
DEAR CONCERNED: The teen-age years can be difficult in the best of circumstances. No one should have to navigate them feeling alienated and alone.
Since your boyfriend's mother is physically or mentally ill, and unable to relate lovingly, calmly or rationally to her son -- and his father is unable to intercede for him -- suggest he consider finding another adult in whom he can confide. Eligible candidates might be a trusted aunt or uncle, a grandparent, a teacher or counselor at school, or his clergyperson.
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Had It in Houston," who was tired of the neighbor child hanging out at their house all day, every day?
I was that uninvited child until I reached the age of 15. I was sent home at dinnertime or when friends had to do their homework. I felt like an outcast.
When I was 15, my family moved to a different community and I made a new friend, Kelly. To this day she remains my closest friend. I was welcomed at her house. Her parents didn't send me home. They included me and made me feel important. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt wanted.
Twenty-five years later, Kelly, her sister and her parents are still a part of my family. I love them all and would like to take this opportunity to say thank you.
My message to "Had It" is simple: Please don't turn your neighbor child away. Children need to feel wanted -- to know that someone is there for them. You have been chosen by this child. Appreciate the honor. -- SHERRI IN CINCINNATI
DEAR SHERRI: Your letter is one that will be appreciated by many latchkey (and former latchkey) children. Single parents -- and many couples -- must work in order to make ends meet. Although we may wish it weren't the case, sometimes it does "take a village" to raise a child. One can only hope that the citizens of the village are willing and able when the need arises.
DEAR ABBY: When it is said that after Labor Day you shouldn't wear white, I was always under the impression that this pertains only to purses and shoes or sandals. Is it acceptable to still wear white slacks, pants or capri pants? -- CARLA IN WINDHAM, OHIO
DEAR CARLA: The old "rules of dress" have been relaxed to the point that they have nearly disappeared in the last 20 years. At this point, it's often a matter of common sense.
If the weather is still warm and summery, I see no harm in wearing summer-weight -- and summer-colored -- clothes until it turns cool. At that point, heavier fabrics are practical, and an off-white ("winter white") is acceptable.
Hope Repeatedly Springs Eternal for Bride on No. 12
DEAR ABBY: Is there any kind of legal limit or restriction on the number of times a person can be married and divorced?
I have three daughters, ages 30, 27 and 25. The oldest and youngest are both college graduates, have great careers and are still single. My middle daughter dropped out of high school when she was 16 to get married. We were opposed, but she was determined. "Lana" works as a waitress in a restaurant/bar. She has been married and divorced 11 times.
Lana and her newest boyfriend are going to get married. It has been only three months since she divorced her last husband. She has known this new boyfriend for only a few weeks. He is 38 years old and has a good business. This will be Lana's 12th marriage.
She says she wants all of our extended family to be invited, because it is her boyfriend's first wedding -- and she claims it will be her last. (We've heard that several times before.) Her boyfriend is paying all the wedding expenses; however, neither I nor her sisters, who will have to travel a great distance, are eager to attend. I will -- but I do not want to interrupt the lives of our extended family to have them attend another wedding that may end up in divorce sooner rather than later, as her 11 other marriages did. Your thoughts, please. -- MOTHER OF THE "BRIDE"
P.S. During a wedding, when the preacher asks if there is anyone present who knows why this man and woman should not be united in holy matrimony, what does that mean? Is someone actually expected to stand up and object? I object, but I doubt it will do any good.
DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter appears to be a super salesperson. It defies belief that someone with any degree of intelligence would marry a person with Lana's marital history after such a short engagement and no premarital counseling. There is either a sucker born every minute, or her fiance is a terminal optimist.
Since your daughter's fiance is paying for the wedding, they may invite whomever they wish. It's up to the relatives to decide whether or not to attend the 12th wedding. However, if they sent only their good wishes, I wouldn't blame them.
Unfortunately, there is no limit on the number of times a person can be married. Let's hope your daughter doesn't go for a baker's dozen.
To address the questions in your P.S.: Asking whether there is anyone present who knows why this man and woman should not be united in holy matrimony is a holdover from times when there were no phones, travel was difficult, and there was far less communication between communities than there has been in the last century. Its purpose was to reveal if there were any impediments to the union, such as the bride having been pledged to someone else, or the groom already being married. Another impediment might be that they were close blood relatives. Today, no one is expected to voice an objection.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Says It's Never Too Early to Answer Questions About Sex
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to your recent letters about the importance of teaching your children about sex.
When I was a child, my parents thought if they didn't allow me to do anything, I would never get into trouble. Sorry to say, I did things my parents would still "die over" if they ever found out.
My mother took me to get birth control when I was 14 after she discovered I was having sex and had contracted a sexually transmitted disease. That was the beginning and end of any discussion about sex with her. My father thought if he didn't allow me to talk to boys on the phone or to date, I'd never have the opportunity to have sex. He was wrong. Long before my first sexual encounter, I wish I had been told the importance of waiting.
I am now the mother of an 8-year-old daughter. I have talked to her since she was 5 or 6 years old about relationships and waiting until marriage to have sex. Many people feel this is too early, but when you see what children are exposed to on TV today, it's best for a parent -- not another child -- to clearly explain what they're seeing.
I pray that by talking openly with my daughter and letting her know I trust her, she will in turn trust and talk to me -- and never experience what I went through. -- BEEN THERE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR BEEN THERE: Your prayers stand an excellent chance of being answered. Frank and honest communication usually cements relationships. When young people do not have it at home, they turn to outside sources that are not always reliable. They want parents who trust them and who expect the best from them -- not fear the worst. (And even more important, they need parents who take the time to listen to what they have to say.)
I'm sorry your relationship with your parents was poor. However, I'm pleased that you were able to learn from your parents' mistakes and to pass those benefits along to your daughter.
DEAR ABBY: Holding back truth is lying. Dr. Kilgore wrote that he doesn't believe patients should be told they are dying. The good doctor is a general surgeon, not a psychiatrist. Doctors are highly trained "mechanics" paid to correct physical problems and to keep patients informed at all times.
There have been horror stories about terminally ill patients who didn't have the chance to close out businesses or get their financial affairs in order because some physician failed to disclose the truth about the patient's chances of survival. The result was that the estates the patients had worked long and hard to build dwindled away from lack of attention.
Personally, I would be very annoyed if a doctor to whom I was paying good money didn't tell me the complete truth about my condition. A few malpractice cases given widespread publicity might go a long way to convince physicians not to play God. -- TELL ME THE TRUTH
DEAR TELL ME: I agree.
DEAR ABBY: My hair is bright red. I don't dye it. People frequently ask me if it is natural, and I tell them it is. Many times they refuse to believe me, and argue or ask my family or friends if I am lying.
I think these questions are invasive and unnecessary. Do you think it is acceptable to ask someone if her hair color is natural? -- CARROT TOP
DEAR CARROT TOP: If the color is unusual, it may be intended as a left-handed compliment. However, when the reply is affirmative, to insist that it is not is abrasive and insulting.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)