For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hope Repeatedly Springs Eternal for Bride on No. 12
DEAR ABBY: Is there any kind of legal limit or restriction on the number of times a person can be married and divorced?
I have three daughters, ages 30, 27 and 25. The oldest and youngest are both college graduates, have great careers and are still single. My middle daughter dropped out of high school when she was 16 to get married. We were opposed, but she was determined. "Lana" works as a waitress in a restaurant/bar. She has been married and divorced 11 times.
Lana and her newest boyfriend are going to get married. It has been only three months since she divorced her last husband. She has known this new boyfriend for only a few weeks. He is 38 years old and has a good business. This will be Lana's 12th marriage.
She says she wants all of our extended family to be invited, because it is her boyfriend's first wedding -- and she claims it will be her last. (We've heard that several times before.) Her boyfriend is paying all the wedding expenses; however, neither I nor her sisters, who will have to travel a great distance, are eager to attend. I will -- but I do not want to interrupt the lives of our extended family to have them attend another wedding that may end up in divorce sooner rather than later, as her 11 other marriages did. Your thoughts, please. -- MOTHER OF THE "BRIDE"
P.S. During a wedding, when the preacher asks if there is anyone present who knows why this man and woman should not be united in holy matrimony, what does that mean? Is someone actually expected to stand up and object? I object, but I doubt it will do any good.
DEAR MOTHER: Your daughter appears to be a super salesperson. It defies belief that someone with any degree of intelligence would marry a person with Lana's marital history after such a short engagement and no premarital counseling. There is either a sucker born every minute, or her fiance is a terminal optimist.
Since your daughter's fiance is paying for the wedding, they may invite whomever they wish. It's up to the relatives to decide whether or not to attend the 12th wedding. However, if they sent only their good wishes, I wouldn't blame them.
Unfortunately, there is no limit on the number of times a person can be married. Let's hope your daughter doesn't go for a baker's dozen.
To address the questions in your P.S.: Asking whether there is anyone present who knows why this man and woman should not be united in holy matrimony is a holdover from times when there were no phones, travel was difficult, and there was far less communication between communities than there has been in the last century. Its purpose was to reveal if there were any impediments to the union, such as the bride having been pledged to someone else, or the groom already being married. Another impediment might be that they were close blood relatives. Today, no one is expected to voice an objection.
Mom Says It's Never Too Early to Answer Questions About Sex
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to your recent letters about the importance of teaching your children about sex.
When I was a child, my parents thought if they didn't allow me to do anything, I would never get into trouble. Sorry to say, I did things my parents would still "die over" if they ever found out.
My mother took me to get birth control when I was 14 after she discovered I was having sex and had contracted a sexually transmitted disease. That was the beginning and end of any discussion about sex with her. My father thought if he didn't allow me to talk to boys on the phone or to date, I'd never have the opportunity to have sex. He was wrong. Long before my first sexual encounter, I wish I had been told the importance of waiting.
I am now the mother of an 8-year-old daughter. I have talked to her since she was 5 or 6 years old about relationships and waiting until marriage to have sex. Many people feel this is too early, but when you see what children are exposed to on TV today, it's best for a parent -- not another child -- to clearly explain what they're seeing.
I pray that by talking openly with my daughter and letting her know I trust her, she will in turn trust and talk to me -- and never experience what I went through. -- BEEN THERE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR BEEN THERE: Your prayers stand an excellent chance of being answered. Frank and honest communication usually cements relationships. When young people do not have it at home, they turn to outside sources that are not always reliable. They want parents who trust them and who expect the best from them -- not fear the worst. (And even more important, they need parents who take the time to listen to what they have to say.)
I'm sorry your relationship with your parents was poor. However, I'm pleased that you were able to learn from your parents' mistakes and to pass those benefits along to your daughter.
DEAR ABBY: Holding back truth is lying. Dr. Kilgore wrote that he doesn't believe patients should be told they are dying. The good doctor is a general surgeon, not a psychiatrist. Doctors are highly trained "mechanics" paid to correct physical problems and to keep patients informed at all times.
There have been horror stories about terminally ill patients who didn't have the chance to close out businesses or get their financial affairs in order because some physician failed to disclose the truth about the patient's chances of survival. The result was that the estates the patients had worked long and hard to build dwindled away from lack of attention.
Personally, I would be very annoyed if a doctor to whom I was paying good money didn't tell me the complete truth about my condition. A few malpractice cases given widespread publicity might go a long way to convince physicians not to play God. -- TELL ME THE TRUTH
DEAR TELL ME: I agree.
DEAR ABBY: My hair is bright red. I don't dye it. People frequently ask me if it is natural, and I tell them it is. Many times they refuse to believe me, and argue or ask my family or friends if I am lying.
I think these questions are invasive and unnecessary. Do you think it is acceptable to ask someone if her hair color is natural? -- CARROT TOP
DEAR CARROT TOP: If the color is unusual, it may be intended as a left-handed compliment. However, when the reply is affirmative, to insist that it is not is abrasive and insulting.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Veterans Deserve Recognition as Defenders of Our Freedom
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letters you printed earlier this year encouraging veterans to speak to students about their military experiences. In recent years, I had noticed less and less recognition of this holiday in schools and realized that unless we teach our children about the valuable contributions of all veterans, they will be forgotten. So, for the past two years I have organized a Veterans Day assembly for students and staff at Van Buren Elementary School in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Our assemblies have been successful and greatly appreciated by students, staff and local veterans.
A terrific resource for schools planning a Veterans Day program is available at our Web site: www.va.gov/pubaff/vetsday/index.htm. Our site contains ideas to use with students from kindergarten to high school.
The school also honors veterans with a "Wall of Stars." Near the end of October, each student is given a note with red, white and blue paper stars attached to take home. The instructions are for each family to talk about veterans in their family. Students are to write on the stars the names of any family members or friends who have served in the military. When the stars are returned to school, they are placed in random order on the "Wall of Stars" to create a visual thank-you to all veterans. During November conferences, students enjoy pointing out to their parents the stars they have placed on the board.
I recommend that all parents and educators use Veterans Day as an opportunity to teach their students about the contributions and sacrifices veterans have made so that we may enjoy our many freedoms. -- KATHY SHELTON
DEAR KATHY: What a wonderful way to honor veterans. And as you suggested, it's an idea that can be used by schools, organizations, clubs and neighborhoods on Veterans Day, Saturday, Nov. 11.
Veterans Day commemorates the signing of the armistice that ended World War I, Nov. 11, 1918. (The year I was born!) In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed Nov. 11 Armistice Day as a day of remembrance, and in 1938 the date became a federal holiday. In 1954, the name was changed by Congress to Veterans Day to honor all U.S. veterans.
Readers, a reminder: Hundreds of thousands of our service members gave their lives so that we can live in a free country and elect our leaders by voting. If you haven't already done so, there may still be time to register to vote. Call your local registrar of voters for more information.
DEAR ABBY: I am searching for a tradition or custom for my daughter's 13th birthday. I have heard of sweet-16 parties, but is there something for a sweet 13-year-old going from childhood to her teen years? -- MANTECA, CALIF., MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Since the age of 13 marks the official end of her days as a "girl" and the beginning of her years as a young woman, take your daughter out to dinner to celebrate. Consider including some of her older female relatives who are especially close to her. It will be an occasion she will remember for the rest of her life.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)