Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Free Senior Financial Seminars Can Cost Survivors a Fortune
DEAR ABBY: You've recently printed letters from people who have been victims of weight-loss or male-potency scams. Please warn your readers about another one: "senior financial workshops"!
They are usually advertised on inserts in newspapers and claim to teach seniors how to legally avoid paying income and estate taxes, how to increase spendable income, and how to "protect yourself" from nursing home expenses. The workshops are always "free" for seniors 60 years and older, and of course they "will sell you nothing."
My father died last year, and I have never been so horrified in my life. By the time the lawyers, accountants and trustees get their share, there will be barely enough left to take care of my mother.
What is most ludicrous of all is that my husband is an attorney. If only Dad had talked to him or any other honest lawyer, he would have been advised that none of this foolishness was necessary.
Abby, please warn senior citizens to be aware of these scams. Some honest people do conduct these seminars, but they are hardly "free." If seniors must attend, they should ask a lawyer or trusted friend to go with them, because unfortunately there are accountants, consultants and some lawyers who are only interested in robbing their client's survivors. -- ANGUISHED ATTORNEY'S WIFE
DEAR ANGUISHED: Your story is frightening. I hope all seniors, and readers of every age, will think twice before making investments or signing agreements with people they do not know and haven't thoroughly checked out.
Beware if the salesperson tells you, for instance, to borrow money on a credit card, to take out a mortgage on your home, or to cash in your IRA to invest -- with the assurance you will quickly double or triple your money with little risk. Select a broker or investment adviser who understands your financial objectives. Interview two or three to compare experience, education and professional background.
When it comes to taxes, investments, financial and estate planning, it is best to talk to professionals you know or who have been highly recommended by a trusted family member or friend who has an established, positive history with the agent and firm.
DEAR ABBY: You missed an opportunity to tell "Left Out in Minneapolis" the REAL "facts of life." She complained that although she and her boyfriend had lived together for more than 15 years, her name was omitted from the list of relatives in his sister's obituary. You told her that, technically, she is a friend -- not a relative -- and only family members are listed.
You should have told her two other things: (1) An obituary, like a marriage certificate, is just a piece of paper, so it's no big deal not being included in it; and (2) if she thinks his relatives were unkind to her then, wait until she sees what they do to her 50 percent of the home furnishings, cars, money, retirement savings, etc. that she thinks she and Tony jointly own, should he die before she does! -- TOO SMART NOT TO HAVE THAT "PIECE OF PAPER" IN NEW YORK
DEAR SMART: The lady didn't ask me what I thought the financial liabilities could be because of her choice of lifestyle. Had she done so, I would have pointed out the security and benefits of having a marriage certificate -- not the least of which are rights of inheritance and being able to make medical decisions should one's spouse become ill and unable to speak for himself or herself.
Kit Contains What Your Family Should Know Before You Go
DEAR ABBY: Your readers may be interested to know that the Funeral Consumers Alliance Inc. provides an end-of-life planning kit that includes a 20-page booklet, "Before I Go, You Should Know," in which they can record their wishes. It comes in a plastic document pouch, with a refrigerator magnet to indicate its storage location. It contains a checklist of other documents that should also be added to the pouch. (Veterans, for example, might want to add their DD 214 discharge papers that will be needed to get the free cemetery marker and American flag.) Most important, the pouch includes a state-specified living will and durable power of attorney for health care.
Surveys show that 85 percent of the public supports the idea of living wills -- but only 25 percent have done anything about it.
We want to get the kits into the refrigerator of every adult American. Why the refrigerator? Because most people have one, and it's likely to survive a fire. By having a specific place to "file" these papers, perhaps more families will actually get it done. We hope that more families will begin talking about their choices, as recommended in the pamphlet from Partnership in Caring that is enclosed in the kit.
Also included is a brochure titled "Death Away From Home" that's meant to be popped into a suitcase or RV when traveling.
Abby, I hope you'll agree this is something worth mentioning to your readers. End-of-life issues are never pleasant to talk about -- but death (and taxes!) are facts of life. -- LISA CARLSON, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR
DEAR LISA: I agree. I was so impressed by the packet you are offering that I ordered some for my staff. I know the subject is difficult, especially when people are in the best of health, but it's better to be safe than sorry. Don't put it off.
Because the alliance is a small, nonprofit office, mail orders are preferred. Send $10 (check or money order in U.S. funds; no cash, please) to: Funeral Consumers Alliance, P.O. Box 10, Hinesburg, VT 05461. (The kit is also available via the Internet at www.funerals.org.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and have met a man I love dearly. He is sweet, caring and intelligent. He is 25. I know that seems like a big age difference, but it doesn't bother us.
My father is nine years older than my mom. They began dating when my mother was my age. I don't see a problem. However, my mother wants me to stop seeing him. I don't want to do that. I am very much in love. What should I do? -- YOUNG, BUT NOT FOOLISH
DEAR YOUNG: Although it's hard to do, try to disengage your emotions from your thought processes for a moment. Your mother has your best interests at heart and may be trying to tell you something important. She may see things in your boyfriend that you do not. Or, she may regret that she missed out on some opportunities because she became involved with your father so early.
You are old enough to have adult conversations with your mother. Try to draw her out about this and give her a fair hearing. If this love is here to stay, it will survive until you are 18. It's not that far away.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
MAN WILL STEP UP TO THE PLATE IN HIS NEW ROLE AS GRANDPA
DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter is planning to be married next spring. Her fiance has two children from a previous marriage. Will they become my grandchildren, my stepgrandchildren, the stepchildren of my stepdaughter, or simply the children of the man who married my stepdaughter?
My wife is teasing me about becoming an instant grandfather. I'm not so sure this marriage makes me one officially. I will, of course, treat them as my grandchildren, but I am curious nonetheless. Please advise. -- WONDERING IN INDIANAPOLIS
DEAR WONDERING: If you are married to "Grandma," that makes you "Grandpa." Stop splitting "heirs" and accept the honor graciously, or you may wind up being called a name that's far less complimentary than "Grandpa."
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding "Just Julie in California," who was upset that her husband carried two pictures of his late wife in his billfold.
I married a widower who not only had pictures of her in his billfold, he also had one on the coffee table. He didn't constantly verbalize his love for me, but he showed it in countless ways every day, and I was happy to display a picture of his late wife in our living room. She was part of his life before me, and because I loved him so, I was grateful that he had a happy life before we met. Had it not been for their happy marriage, he might have been a different man than he was then, perhaps one who wouldn't have been so good to me.
My husband died suddenly after only 8 1/2 short years together. I am thankful that I didn't waste one moment of our wonderful life together by being jealous of the woman from his past. Julie should treasure what she has today, and stop worrying about a couple of photos from the past. -- SOMEONE WHO CARES
DEAR SOMEONE WHO CARES: Your signature says it all. I compliment you on your capacity to love and your common sense. New wives of widowers, please heed her message -- it contains a valuable lesson. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Just Julie in California," who complained that her husband carried pictures of his late wife in his wallet.
I married a widower who had lost his wife to cancer six years earlier. This is my first marriage.
I know how overwhelming it can be to feel you are competing with a ghost. I solved the problem by remembering that I have a wonderful husband and that it was that dear departed lady who taught him about women. I also know that my husband gained strength and compassion by caring for his first wife during her illness. I count myself fortunate that my husband knows how devastating it is to lose a spouse, so he cherishes me.
Abby, I have placed some of his late wife's things on display and keep a small photo of her on the mantle over the fireplace. Whenever I walk past it, I always remember to thank her.
"Just Julie" should take heart and consider that if her husband loved his first wife so much that he carries her photo in his wallet 11 years after her death, how much he can love the wife he is able to hold in his arms. Sign me ... JOHN'S SECOND WIFE, NEW JERSEY
DEAR JOHN'S SECOND WIFE: Your husband picked not one but two "winners" to marry. You are a very perceptive woman. Take a bow -- you deserve it. John is a lucky man to have had two such wonderful, loving wives.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)