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Smokers Pay Painful Price for 'Pleasure' of Their Habit
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Concerned Daughter-in-Law," whose mother-in-law continued to smoke after being diagnosed with emphysema and deteriorating lungs, brought back some painful memories for me.
My mother was diagnosed with the same condition and she, too, continued to smoke. Her reason was that she was going to die anyway, so she might as well enjoy the only little "pleasure" left in life. It tore at my heart to watch her take her oxygen treatment from the machine beside her chair and, afterward, reach for her cigarettes.
She had to use a walker to navigate the 20 or so steps from her chair to the bathroom. When she returned, she was gasping for breath as if she had run the marathon. How I wished that any young person just beginning to smoke could see her -- and possibly keep from making the same mistake. It took her three long years to die from this horrible disease.
Abby, please continue your campaign to discourage young people from starting this terrible, addictive habit, so their loved ones will not have to go through the pain of watching them die a slow, painful death. -- CAROL MASON, COSTA MESA, CALIF.
DEAR CAROL: You have my promise -- as long as there is breath in my body -- that I will do exactly that. But first, ANOTHER warning: No one should EVER "light up" in the vicinity of supplemental oxygen, which is extremely flammable. I heard about a woman who received third-degree burns to her face because she lit a cigarette before her oxygen was completely turned off and the flames melted the plastic breathing tubes onto her skin.
What young smokers fail to realize is that smoking causes changes in brain chemistry and creates a dependency. Tobacco companies recruit new smokers to replace the ones who escape the tentacles of the addiction, or who die from smoking-related illnesses. So, while adolescents and teens may take up the habit to appear "hot," "cool," or grown-up, breaking the habit may require not only iron will, but medical intervention. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the reader whose mother-in-law was diagnosed with emphysema and continued smoking.
When I was an actively practicing pharmacist, I saw similar scenarios with several people who were unable to give up nicotine in the face of the additional stress of the diagnosis. However, SOME of them were able to switch to "cleaner" alternatives such as a nicotine patch, gum or inhaler and avoid the pollutants of cigarettes that cause lung damage. (They were also not dangerous around oxygen tanks.)
Their doctors were willing to continue the prescriptions as long as necessary so their patients would avoid cigarettes. If "Concerned" really cannot get her mother-in-law to seek a second opinion right now, perhaps she could suggest one of these alternatives. -- ELAINE DISNEY, CARROLLTON, TEXAS
DEAR ELAINE: What a terrific suggestion, and I hope it will spark interest in anyone who has been advised by a doctor to quit smoking -- but has tried and failed.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 27, and I think I have a pretty good marriage. One of my husband's friends kissed me, and I didn't stop him. Now all I do is fantasize about me and him together. What should I do? -- CONCERNED IN COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR CONCERNED: Arrange a romantic rendezvous and turn your fantasies into a reality -- WITH YOUR HUSBAND. And don't let that man kiss you again. Believe me, he's no "friend" to either of you.
Husband Feels Happy Marriage Should Include Occasional Sex
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 48 years, have raised three children and are in our early 70s. Eleven years ago, my wife stopped having sex with me, saying she didn't think it was necessary. She said all her lady friends our age have stopped doing it, and also they sleep in separate bedrooms.
Am I wrong for feeling that sex is necessary for a happy marriage? -- HURT HUSBAND, REDFORD, MICH.
DEAR HURT HUSBAND: No, you are not wrong. Obviously sex is necessary for YOU to have a happy marriage -- and if your wife values your marriage, she'll consider working out a compromise. Otherwise, I fear I'll be hearing from HER asking what happened to YOU.
DEAR ABBY: The response from "Angie" addressing the teen-age curfew enforcement problem was ingenious, but not foolproof. She suggested that a parent who didn't want to lose sleep waiting for her teen-aged child to come home set an alarm for the time the child should be home. If the child arrives before the alarm goes off, he or she turns the alarm off and goes to bed -- allowing the parent continuous sleep.
My mother used (and I thought invented) that technique when I was a teen-ager in the '70s, thinking that was the solution to my broken curfews and late hours. What Mother didn't know until 25 years later was that while she was sleeping, I would come home, turn the alarm off and sneak back out. -- FORMER TEEN, CURRENT MOM
DEAR CURRENT PARENT: Bad girl! Your confession reminds me of the saying that if man invents a better mousetrap, nature invents a smarter mouse. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The alarm clock method doesn't work! We used it on our oldest son back in 1970. (He's now the chief of staff of the Sixth Fleet in Italy.) After just one night, he began paying his sister (15 months younger) to go in and shut it off. I never learned until a decade later that he had been roaming free until all hours. -- ANONYMOUS IN MARYLAND
DEAR ANONYMOUS: It's heartening that your son has applied his talents to protecting our country instead of becoming a career criminal. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My solution to knowing when our teen-age daughter came home: I, too, work and can hardly stay up to enforce curfews -- so I simply went to bed. In HER bed! When she came home, she woke me up and we chatted, and I went off to my own bed. She loved it, because not only did we have late-night mother-daughter chats, but I warmed her bed for her!
She's away at college this year, and I miss our talks. -- COOKI IN CINCINNATI
DEAR COOKI: You are a diligent and caring parent, and your solution provided a wonderful opportunity for you and your daughter to share some private and memorable moments together. Too often, communication between parents and children takes place when both are rushed or under pressure. Your daughter is a lucky young woman.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Brother Looking for Handout Is Told to Look Somewhere Else
DEAR ABBY: Recently my brother-in-law called my husband at work to ask for $1,500 because he had fallen behind on his rent for three consecutive months. My husband, growing wiser each year, told him that he would have to speak with me because we make financial decisions together.
"David," we'll call him, is nearing 40 and is an attorney. He has led an interesting life, moving from place to place and trying his hand at a number of vocations, from bartending to medic work to tennis instructor -- all the while exploring any and all professional opportunities. We receive regular e-mails from him regarding all sorts of fun weekends, rafting trips and tennis tournaments. However, his law practice is limping along. He has never been married and has no dependents, nor is he disabled in any way.
For as long as my husband can remember, David has always gotten himself into financial trouble and someone in the family has had to bail him out. Even in his 30s, David has received thousands from one sibling or another or his parents. This is the first time David has approached us for money, as my husband is the youngest in the family.
Though it was a difficult decision to make, we determined that we were not doing David any favors by sending him money. With David's history of poor financial management, we feel we would just be perpetuating the problem. Without lecturing, my husband explained our position to his brother. He became obviously upset and ended the phone conversation quickly. We no longer receive e-mails from him, and he hasn't spoken to us since. Furthermore, the rest of the family is furious with us.
Abby, were we wrong to not send money? -- ANNABELLE
DEAR ANNABELLE: No, you were not wrong. Given the amount of money David has borrowed from family members, I wouldn't have chipped in any more than I could afford to lose.
Although your brother-in-law is no longer sending you e-mails, perhaps you should e-mail him the telephone number for the nearest Consumer Credit Counseling office. You'd be doing him a favor.
DEAR ABBY: "Wiser in North Texas" made a good suggestion for interacting with the 10-year-old boy who didn't listen to his father. I would like to share a lesson I learned from my mother 50 years ago.
My son was a very active toddler, and I didn't realize I was yelling at him until the day my mom was visiting me. She quietly said to me: "Honey, if you yell at children, they stop hearing you. If you speak very softly but firmly, they will stop to listen to you."
My son was my first child. I later had four daughters, and Mom's advice worked with all of them. It is still working for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
My own advice to mothers is this: When you are the most frazzled and frustrated, take the time to imagine yourself as your child -- on the receiving end of your words, and looking up at your angry face. Then ask yourself, "Is this what my child needs from me?" -- GRANDMA IN OREGON
DEAR GRANDMA: That's good advice for the parents of children of all ages.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)