What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, who is wonderful, is always trying to help me out, so she suggested I meet "Phyllis," her psychic. For $35, Phyllis told me about my present, my past and my future.
She told me that "Johnny," the man I've been involved with for the last five years, is my soulmate -- and if I want him to propose, I will need to get spiritual cleansing. That means she and a few other people will meditate for six weeks on my behalf to disperse the dark cloud that is interrupting my life and relationship and causing me to fail in life. She says that's the reason life has been so difficult financially and personally, and things won't improve without a spiritual cleansing. The cost is $500.
I have been divorced for 16 years and I'm raising three kids on my own with no child support. I've been trying with no luck to convince Johnny to marry me, and I've been out of work for two months because of knee surgery. I'm beginning to think I'm never going to get what I want out of life. That's why I went to see Phyllis for answers.
Is this as silly as I suspect it is, Abby? Or do I need some professional counseling? Please help me decide. -- GETTING NOWHERE IN OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR GETTING NOWHERE: I'm pleased to help -- and in doing so I can save you $499.67. I don't need a crystal ball to see that unless Phyllis is offering a double-your-money-back guarantee along with her spiritual cleansing, she's trying to take you to the cleaners. You don't need spiritual cleansing or professional counseling. You appear to be completely in touch with reality.
After five years, Johnny should know whether or not he wants to settle down with you. If he refuses to make a commitment, face it -- you and he have very different goals. If it's marriage you want, he may not be your soulmate after all. That's not a black cloud over your head; that's life.
Your knee will heal, and you'll be back in the work force soon. If you can no longer work on your feet, you'll have to find something more sedentary.
Consider this: Life is a series of new beginnings, and new beginnings are positive. If you lack the faith to believe it, talk to some members of the clergy. Faith is their business.
DEAR ABBY: Each year, I am grateful for the many blessings in my life, especially during the year-end holidays. However, I have one problem that plagues me every Christmas. Two female relatives criticize my food preparation, my decorating choices, my clothing, my appearance, my child-rearing practices and my choice of gifts.
Because tradition dictates that family be included in our Christmas celebrations, I feel I must include them each year. However, I would like to stop them from being critical. They are both from an older generation, and I don't want to appear disrespectful. How can I tell them next year without offending them? -- FRUSTRATED IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: You can't -- because hypercritical people are also usually hypersensitive when criticism is reflected back at them. I offer this bit of advice instead: Just because a jackass brays doesn't mean you have to listen. Tune them out.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "THINKING OF BAILING": To quote Winston Churchill, "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never give in." You have invested too much of yourself, your time and your money to quit now. In two more years, you'll attain your goal and you won't be sorry.
Lessons Best Taught at Home Are Crowding School Classes
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, one of your readers recommended that schools add anger management classes to the curriculum. I am a schoolteacher, and I don't know how we're going to fit any more into our curriculum and do it effectively.
We teach drug awareness, tobacco awareness, AIDS education, kids voting, helmet safety and stranger danger, to name a few. Oh, yes -- we also teach reading, writing, math, language, social studies, science, health, music, art and physical education.
Why does our society expect schools to teach it all? Whatever happened to parenting? Parents should be taking the classes on how to be parents. Perhaps that would leave the "school" subjects to the teachers. -- PHOENIX EDUCATOR
DEAR EDUCATOR: I agree that it's unfair to demand that schools teach children that which should be taught at home by the parents. However, the majority of families these days have two working parents, and consequently many children are virtually raising themselves.
The task of parenting is more difficult when the parent is gone the majority of the time -- but it's not impossible. The best things parents can give their children are time and undivided attention. They should listen to their children with a discerning ear. It takes patience, setting a good example, organizing one's priorities and choosing one's battles. For parents who feel that knack is beyond them, many books have been written on the subject.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a man for four years now. Two years ago he asked me to marry him, but he still hasn't set a date or given me a ring.
Whenever I bring up the subject, he gets angry and says, "When the time is right." Well, in my book, don't you normally wait to pop the question until the time is right and then offer the ring as a symbol of love and commitment?
He is 42 years old, has never been married and still lives at home with his mother. He says he could never leave her alone. His mother -- a wonderful woman whom I love dearly -- is 75 years old, but remains very active and still works 35 hours a week. She says he has never helped her financially, although he makes a decent living.
I'm beginning to grow weary of waiting for "the right time." What do you think of this situation? -- THE WIFE-IN-WAITING
DEAR WAITING: He has told you directly that he could never leave his mother. She's in excellent health and, from your description, is vigorous -- so you could be "waiting" for this man to get off the dime for a very long time. Let me go on record: Waiting for someone to die is the longest wait in the world.
If it's marriage you want, it's time to move on and find an eligible man. This one's already taken.
DEAR ABBY: Please answer this for me. Is it all right to visit relatives or friends without calling first? I say it's rude, and my husband says there is nothing wrong with it. He thinks people will just be surprised. -- EMBARRASSED IN TEXAS
DEAR EMBARRASSED: I recommend always calling to ask if it's convenient to visit.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Looking for Job Is Advised to Start Truckin'
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Totally Lost in North Carolina," whose husband cannot or will not keep a job. She said he didn't like to work and "somehow he always messes up and gets fired or quits."
I had similar problems with my husband. He would keep a job no more than six months maximum. He finally heard about a program called "Operation Improvement." The people there gave him an aptitude test, suggested a job he would never have considered on his own -- truck driving -- and paid for his training.
He's been driving a truck for six years now and loves his job. I'm not suggesting truck driving for this gal's husband, but he should take an aptitude test and find something he'll be happy doing. If he doesn't, he'll continue to go from job to job and create stress for the whole family. I wish them the best of luck, and as much happiness as my husband and I (and our kids) now have. -- LISA IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR LISA: Thank you for caring enough to share your personal experience. When I read the letter from "Totally Lost" about her struggle to cope with her husband's unwillingness to hold a job ("He doesn't like to work") and her valiant efforts to keep the family from going under ("I work for two companies and do extra work on the side ... make good money, but not enough to pay all the bills"), I felt sympathy for her. She said she'd like to throw him out, but was afraid he wouldn't leave. I told her to draw the line; from my perspective, she'd have one less mouth to feed.
I see marriage as a partnership, with the division of labor agreed upon by both parties. I also thought she was being taken advantage of. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My very intelligent, considerate husband has adult attention deficit disorder. One of the symptoms is difficulty holding certain jobs. He has finally found his "niche" as a talented photographer and an outstanding teacher. (Two jobs!)
Perhaps there's another choice for "Totally Lost" other than evicting her husband, and another reason for his problem other than irresponsibility. -- FAITHFUL READER IN DELAWARE
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: You have insight, and I agree that the husband should be evaluated for adult attention deficit disorder before any decisions are made about ending the marriage. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter about the husband who "doesn't like to work" -- there may be an underlying cause or causes for his occupational failures. I offer three possibilities:
1. He may be functionally illiterate. Many people work in low-level, nonskilled jobs that are unsatisfying because these are the only jobs that don't require reading skills. When confronted with work that is equal to their intelligence but beyond their level of literacy, they are unproductive and either get fired or quit.
2. He may have adult attention deficit disorder and not know it. Many adults carry this problem from childhood into adulthood and suffer because of it, not realizing the underlying reason for their lack of achievement.
3. There may be health problems underlying his apparent laziness. -- HOPE THIS HELPS, GARLAND, TEXAS
DEAR HOPE THIS HELPS: It hadn't occurred to me that the husband might be suffering, too. Thank you for pointing it out in a helpful letter.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)