Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lessons Best Taught at Home Are Crowding School Classes
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, one of your readers recommended that schools add anger management classes to the curriculum. I am a schoolteacher, and I don't know how we're going to fit any more into our curriculum and do it effectively.
We teach drug awareness, tobacco awareness, AIDS education, kids voting, helmet safety and stranger danger, to name a few. Oh, yes -- we also teach reading, writing, math, language, social studies, science, health, music, art and physical education.
Why does our society expect schools to teach it all? Whatever happened to parenting? Parents should be taking the classes on how to be parents. Perhaps that would leave the "school" subjects to the teachers. -- PHOENIX EDUCATOR
DEAR EDUCATOR: I agree that it's unfair to demand that schools teach children that which should be taught at home by the parents. However, the majority of families these days have two working parents, and consequently many children are virtually raising themselves.
The task of parenting is more difficult when the parent is gone the majority of the time -- but it's not impossible. The best things parents can give their children are time and undivided attention. They should listen to their children with a discerning ear. It takes patience, setting a good example, organizing one's priorities and choosing one's battles. For parents who feel that knack is beyond them, many books have been written on the subject.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a man for four years now. Two years ago he asked me to marry him, but he still hasn't set a date or given me a ring.
Whenever I bring up the subject, he gets angry and says, "When the time is right." Well, in my book, don't you normally wait to pop the question until the time is right and then offer the ring as a symbol of love and commitment?
He is 42 years old, has never been married and still lives at home with his mother. He says he could never leave her alone. His mother -- a wonderful woman whom I love dearly -- is 75 years old, but remains very active and still works 35 hours a week. She says he has never helped her financially, although he makes a decent living.
I'm beginning to grow weary of waiting for "the right time." What do you think of this situation? -- THE WIFE-IN-WAITING
DEAR WAITING: He has told you directly that he could never leave his mother. She's in excellent health and, from your description, is vigorous -- so you could be "waiting" for this man to get off the dime for a very long time. Let me go on record: Waiting for someone to die is the longest wait in the world.
If it's marriage you want, it's time to move on and find an eligible man. This one's already taken.
DEAR ABBY: Please answer this for me. Is it all right to visit relatives or friends without calling first? I say it's rude, and my husband says there is nothing wrong with it. He thinks people will just be surprised. -- EMBARRASSED IN TEXAS
DEAR EMBARRASSED: I recommend always calling to ask if it's convenient to visit.
Husband Looking for Job Is Advised to Start Truckin'
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Totally Lost in North Carolina," whose husband cannot or will not keep a job. She said he didn't like to work and "somehow he always messes up and gets fired or quits."
I had similar problems with my husband. He would keep a job no more than six months maximum. He finally heard about a program called "Operation Improvement." The people there gave him an aptitude test, suggested a job he would never have considered on his own -- truck driving -- and paid for his training.
He's been driving a truck for six years now and loves his job. I'm not suggesting truck driving for this gal's husband, but he should take an aptitude test and find something he'll be happy doing. If he doesn't, he'll continue to go from job to job and create stress for the whole family. I wish them the best of luck, and as much happiness as my husband and I (and our kids) now have. -- LISA IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR LISA: Thank you for caring enough to share your personal experience. When I read the letter from "Totally Lost" about her struggle to cope with her husband's unwillingness to hold a job ("He doesn't like to work") and her valiant efforts to keep the family from going under ("I work for two companies and do extra work on the side ... make good money, but not enough to pay all the bills"), I felt sympathy for her. She said she'd like to throw him out, but was afraid he wouldn't leave. I told her to draw the line; from my perspective, she'd have one less mouth to feed.
I see marriage as a partnership, with the division of labor agreed upon by both parties. I also thought she was being taken advantage of. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My very intelligent, considerate husband has adult attention deficit disorder. One of the symptoms is difficulty holding certain jobs. He has finally found his "niche" as a talented photographer and an outstanding teacher. (Two jobs!)
Perhaps there's another choice for "Totally Lost" other than evicting her husband, and another reason for his problem other than irresponsibility. -- FAITHFUL READER IN DELAWARE
DEAR FAITHFUL READER: You have insight, and I agree that the husband should be evaluated for adult attention deficit disorder before any decisions are made about ending the marriage. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter about the husband who "doesn't like to work" -- there may be an underlying cause or causes for his occupational failures. I offer three possibilities:
1. He may be functionally illiterate. Many people work in low-level, nonskilled jobs that are unsatisfying because these are the only jobs that don't require reading skills. When confronted with work that is equal to their intelligence but beyond their level of literacy, they are unproductive and either get fired or quit.
2. He may have adult attention deficit disorder and not know it. Many adults carry this problem from childhood into adulthood and suffer because of it, not realizing the underlying reason for their lack of achievement.
3. There may be health problems underlying his apparent laziness. -- HOPE THIS HELPS, GARLAND, TEXAS
DEAR HOPE THIS HELPS: It hadn't occurred to me that the husband might be suffering, too. Thank you for pointing it out in a helpful letter.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Toy Gun in Car Window Might Not Be Seen as Child's Play
DEAR ABBY: I was recently driving on a Southern California freeway. About 25 feet in front of me, a car in the other lane had an arm pointing out the window, "shooting" a gun at people. Because it was a bright, sunny day, I could see the arm belonged to a young child whose gun was only a toy.
Had this incident occurred at night, however, I would never have known it was a child pointing a toy gun. I might have thought it was an adult pointing a real gun. The results could have been tragic for the kid and anyone else in the car.
Abby, I don't think children should be allowed to have toy guns, but if their parents allow it, that's their choice. These same parents should realize that in certain circumstances -- and even neighborhoods -- those guns may not be SEEN as toys.
In this sometimes crazy world we live in, situations like this probably do occur and often with dreadful endings. There is no reason for something like this to happen. I hope parents of small children who have toy guns will prevent their kids from doing this before it's too late. -- CONCERNED COMMUTER, SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED: On behalf of parents of small children everywhere, thank you for the warning. For safety's sake, children riding in vehicles should wear seatbelts and keep their hands and arms inside at all times. And since it's not unusual for incidents of road rage and drive-by shootings to appear on the evening news, parents should be especially careful about letting their children play with toy weapons while riding in automobiles. At the risk of sounding overly cautious, it could avert a tragedy.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old woman who, against my parent's wishes, was recently married. They didn't attend my wedding and told me they would disown me if I got pregnant before I was 24 or so.
Well, three weeks after we were married I became pregnant. I'm now a month along and my husband's family knows all about it. How do I tell my family? They're already mad at me for dropping out of college and refusing to pay them back for what they agreed to pay for, and I'm afraid this will terminate any relationship we have.
I don't know what to do. Any advice you could give me would be helpful. -- SCARED TO SPEAK UP
DEAR SCARED: Waste no time in telling your mother the joyous news that she'll be a grandmother by the end of next summer. Since your in-laws already know the big news, and your pregnancy will be showing in no time, attempting to keep it a secret would be like trying to smuggle dawn past a rooster.
You are an adult now, and it's time you began shouldering responsibility for your actions. Your parents' disappointment in you might be lessened if you show the willingness and maturity to work out a payment plan for the money they feel is owed them.
P.S. I'm betting they won't disown you after all.
DEAR ABBY: I have been living with a widower of 11 years for the past 10 years. He still insists on putting flowers on his dead wife's grave after all this time. I feel that I am being played second fiddle to his wife. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- SECOND FIDDLE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR SECOND FIDDLE: Yes, you are wrong. Your gentleman friend's devotion to the memory of his deceased wife has nothing to do with his relationship with you -- unless YOU choose to regard it as a competition. That line of thought is destructive to a relationship. Instead, regard his gesture as a measure of the amount of love he has to give to you. He sounds like a gem.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)