Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Child Who Acts Up at School May Not Be Seeing Straight
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to add another thought to "Teacher Who Cares About the Future," who discussed undisciplined children in the classroom. If a child seems bored or consistently misbehaves in class, the parents should have his or her eyes checked.
When my grown son was small, he used to hate his first-grade class. He'd hide under his bed and plead with me not to make him go to school. His first-grade teacher had put his desk out in the hall with the wet boots and coats, and another time had forced him to sit in a corner on a stool wearing a dunce cap.
My son's eyes had been tested by a specialist who examined each eye separately and said there were no vision problems. Not true! Just to be sure, I took him to another doctor, who tested his eyes together. Sure enough, the eyes did not work properly together. Was it any wonder he couldn't do his school work? When he tried to read, the little fellow saw double, backward and blurred!
Fortunately, the doctor was able to help. Today our son is a radio engineer with a large station and is a happily married father of two. We didn't give up until we found help -- and it was certainly well worth it. -- PROUD MOTHER IN NEVADA
DEAR PROUD MOTHER: I'm pleased that your story had a happy ending. It reinforces how important it can be to get a second opinion if a diagnosis is in question.
DEAR ABBY: "Debbie in Memphis" wrote that she is still living with her unfaithful husband while they save money for a divorce. She complained that the other woman in the triangle made frequent calls to the house, and it angered her.
Abby, what the other woman is doing is called HARASSMENT. The telephone companies have regulations in place to deal with it. Debbie should alert her telephone company, and the representative will tell her whether or not to involve the police.
If necessary, the telephone company can tap the phone and document the harassing calls. With this documentation, the phone company can revoke the harasser's phone service.
No one should have to suffer this sort of psychological assault, and Debbie's hands are cleaner if the woman brings the consequences on herself. -- KAREN GREENBAUM-MAYA, PH.D., CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, CLAREMONT, CALIF.
DEAR KAREN: Well said. I'm passing that information along to my readers. Many will be interested to learn that the telephone company is willing to lend an ear as well as a hand, should the need arise. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letter from "Debbie in Memphis," who said her husband had an affair and ended it. She and her husband are sharing the same house while saving the money to get a divorce, but the other woman continues to call the house frequently.
Abby, Debbie can get "call blocking" for a small service fee. When the other woman calls, she will get a busy signal. This may not be a long-term solution, but perhaps it would tide her over until she can get the divorce and move. -- BEEN THERE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BEEN THERE: Thanks for a good idea. Why didn't I think of that?
Bar Hopping Fiance Leaves Engagement Behind at Home
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my fiance for two years. We've been engaged for six months. He refuses to set a wedding date, and his whole attitude toward me and our relationship has changed. Now he wants to go to bars with his friends without me. In fact, he never wants to go anywhere with me.
When our relationship first started, we decided we had found each other, and there was no need to go to bars any longer. Especially now that we're engaged!
Abby, I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, or he's ashamed of me. I don't know if it's already over and he doesn't know how to escape -- or if I should hold on. I love him more than anything and want to marry him and grow old with him. But how do I know if he feels the same? He says he does. What do I do now? -- HEARTBROKEN IN KNOXVILLE
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: It seems your fiance still has some wild oats to sow. In a healthy relationship, a person's actions and words are the same, but this young man is saying one thing and doing something else.
Call off the engagement. Since he refuses to set a date, it wasn't much of an engagement anyway. You deserve a husband who loves you more than anything and wants to marry you and grow old with you. You haven't found him yet!
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter that appeared in your column from the woman who attended a housewarming and discovered camellias floating in the toilet of the master bathroom. It was a "subtle" way of discouraging guests from using that toilet. You said you thought the idea was "all wet."
Well, I think your answer was all wet! I saw nothing wrong with what the hostess did -- and you can quote me! -- GERM-PHOBIC IN GEORGIA
DEAR GERM-PHOBIC: You are not the only person who disagreed with my answer. And I apologize for attempting to be flip. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You agreed with the letter writer that the hostess should open her entire home to guests. Well, I strongly disagree. Why tempt guests to look in your personal medicine cabinet, or check out (or remove) your jewelry? Some people will just make themselves at home. Don't you remember the letter about the hostess who put marbles in her medicine cabinet? If her powder room isn't sufficient to accommodate her guests, perhaps she invited too many guests! -- SUSAN SMITH, ELK GROVE, CALIF.
DEAR SUSAN: I remember, I remember! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I gave a party with about 18 people in attendance. I was gracious enough to allow my guests to use my master bath -- and was "rewarded" by having about $15,000 worth of jewelry stolen from me.
Now when I give parties, the master bathroom is off-limits, and I keep my bedroom door locked! -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN DIAMONDHEAD, MISS.
DEAR BEEN THERE: How depressing! However, thank you for enlightening me to one of the realities of entertaining as the year 2000 rolls around. May I suggest you screen your guests more carefully next time?
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Neighbors' Best of Intentions Yield Worst Possible Result
DEAR ABBY: I hope you will publish my letter so do-gooders will stop and think before they do more harm than good.
I used to love my back yard. It was a bit unkempt, but my husband is gone and I am elderly. However, the yard was mine. The flowers my husband planted gave me great joy -- until a well-meaning neighbor decided to bring her five teen-agers over one day, when I was not home, to "neaten up" my yard. She was trying to teach them concern for others.
I like these people. They were so happy about "surprising" me by cleaning up my yard that I didn't have the heart to tell them that the "weeds" they had pulled up were my lovely perennials that were about to bloom! And the "overgrown" evergreens were there to block the view of the neighbor's messy dog run. Now they are trimmed down to almost nothing, and the view is disgusting!
Abby, my yard is no longer mine, and I have shed many tears over the loss.
Please remind your readers that if they want to help, they should ASK first -- and not just take over. -- HURT BY GOOD INTENTIONS IN MICHIGAN
DEAR HURT: Your point is well taken -- and I'm printing your letter as a warning to well-intentioned people who may be tempted to make the innocent mistake your neighbor made. Take comfort in the fact that the evergreens will grow back.
Now dry your tears, call your well-meaning neighbor, and tell her that you have one more job for her and the kids -- to take you to a plant nursery to select replacements for the perennials your beloved husband had planted that gave you so much joy each summer. It will be a learning experience for all of you.
DEAR ABBY: "Sexless in Seattle" seems totally focused on developing an intimate relationship with the desirable widower, but never a mention of marriage.
For many, many people, marriage comes first, then intimacy follows naturally. Perhaps this is the case of morality, not pathological grief. If his first marriage was good, an intimate relationship would seem to be infidelity, adultery or fornication.
The more fitting solution is the marriage ceremony to put closure to the first marriage and end the grieving process. -- A.V.G. IN FLORIDA
DEAR A.V.G.: I agree that for many people marriage comes first. However, if morality were the issue, the man wouldn't have been making and breaking promises to the woman for nearly a year. Instead, he would have told her plainly -- and proudly -- that he doesn't condone sex outside of marriage. That's the honorable thing to do, and it would have saved her a lot of pain.
DEAR ABBY: For years I have plagued my friends, neighbors, acquaintances, etc. concerning a piece about the "Bigger family." In trying to determine who was bigger, the situation became quite complicated. The youngest member of the family was a baby, therefore he was bigger because he was a "Little Bigger."
Uncle Bigger passed away and was buried down by the mill. He was then bigger because he was "Bigger by a dam site."
I would be thankful if you could find a copy of the piece, Abby. Thanks! -- H.R. MANUEL, ALAMO, TEXAS
DEAR H.R.: I'm sure my readers will be as intrigued with your piece as I was -- and if it's familiar to anyone and I receive a copy, I'll forward it to you. Just remember -- bigger isn't necessarily better.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)