DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a dilemma over something that occurred at our wedding. We invited my mother's first cousin (whom I've only met twice) and his wife out of courtesy to my grandmother. (My mother is deceased.) The cousin called our home five days before the wedding and INFORMED us that he would be picking up his son from college and bringing him to the wedding, too, "since he's family and all." He said he'd be doing this because it would give the three of them time to spend together.
Given the late notice with which he called, we decided that it was simply too late to add another guest. I spoke with him the following day, and he agreed with us and said it was "no problem" to come without his son.
To our surprise, however, while dancing at our reception, my new bride and I noticed the cousin's wife and son dancing! We don't know when he arrived or if he was there for the ceremony, cocktail party and/or dinner (however, no dinner was ordered for him and no place seating reserved). They never came over to speak to us during the evening, and we decided not to address the issue on our wedding day.
Abby, we spent a year carefully planning our wedding, and as hosts, we felt it was presumptuous of them to make a decision about our guest list against our explicit request. Under the circumstances, we do not feel comfortable accepting their wedding gift. We appreciate the gift, but are too hurt by the disrespect and disregard we feel we were shown to accept it. Should we send a letter explaining our feelings and return the gift, or is there a more appropriate course of action? -- IGNORED IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR IGNORED: Although I don't blame you for being furious, to return their gift would mean the end of the relationship. Unless you're prepared for that, I wouldn't recommend it. Remember instead the happiness of the occasion, and don't dwell on the faults of these distant relatives.