To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
IT'S NOT EASY BEING PERFECT, AS MANY WIVES WELL KNOW
DEAR ABBY: I would like to direct my remarks to "Frustrated," the woman whose husband rated very high on a scale of 10 -- but who would never apologize. I had the same problem.
After 25 years of marriage, I have discovered that he knew very well when he did something wrong. It made him angry at himself, and to cover up his insecurity, he added insult to injury.
During the last year of his life, when he knew he could die any minute, he admitted his inability to apologize and thanked me for recognizing it at the beginning of our marriage. Instead of a smart-aleck remark, I would give him a loving smile or a little kiss as a sign of forgiveness, letting him keep his "macho man" dignity.
He took it to his grave six months ago.
"Frustrated," you are young. You can still learn. If your husband is as good as you stated in your letter, love him and let him believe that you think he is perfect. He knows he's not, but he doesn't like to admit it, so don't force him. You will be rewarded with a happy life. -- NORA BENE, PLEASANT HILL, CALIF.
DEAR NORA: Please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband. With an attitude like yours, I'm sure the union was a happy one. You are a wise woman.
The letter from "Frustrated" motivated other women who share your problem to write. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Frustrated," whose husband is never wrong, that so many men suffer from this malady I have concluded it must be genetic.
Not only is my husband never wrong, my boss is never wrong either!
I used to try to prove them wrong by looking up items in almanacs, dictionaries and the Encyclopaedia Britannica. But of course, these reference books were also "wrong."
After several years of banging my head against these walls, I decided to simply agree with anything and everything they said. I just respond, "Yes, whatever you say," in a pleasant voice and walk away. This aggravates them more than their stubbornness ever aggravated me, and my blood pressure has never been lower. -- CALM AND SERENE IN DALLAS
DEAR CALM AND SERENE: Your medicine sounds better than a tranquilizer, but it takes a strong woman to apply it. My hat is off to you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, am married to a husband who will never admit he is wrong. The marriage has lasted 50 years. This message is for "Frustrated":
Face reality. This man will never change. That is the way he is, and nothing you can do or say will cause him to behave any differently. He doesn't really think your feelings are not important, or he wouldn't work two jobs, keep himself clean for you and help with child care.
When he's wrong, he may possibly realize it without your telling him. If you do tell him, he'll definitely know it. So you BOTH know it, even if he refuses to admit it.
Quit being frustrated. When he makes his cute remark, shrug your shoulders, cast your eyes heavenward, smile and say to yourself, "There he is, being that way again," and then FORGET it. If he won't or can't change -- then you must, or you will continue to be unhappy. -- EXPERIENCED IN HENDERSONVILLE, N.C.
DEAR EXPERIENCED: I think you have discovered a vital ingredient for achieving serenity.
Couple Continues to Date After 14 Years of Marriage
DEAR ABBY: In a recent letter, a young woman said she didn't need a man to open the door for her. I just had to respond to that statement. After 14 years of marriage, my husband and I agreed he would go back to that old-fashioned courtesy of opening the car door for me. (He has always opened doors for me at buildings.) We thought this would remind us that we are still "dating" and to treat each other in a special way. I wait, he opens my door, I smile and thank him, he smiles back and holds my hand as we walk along. At first I thought this little ritual seemed forced; now it feels natural and we like the results. I think it has made us more aware and more considerate of each other.
Our daughters, ages 14 and 10, cannot say enough about how stupid they think this courtesy is. They think I'm the one insisting my husband do this. They can't believe I would put him through it -- let alone be willing to wait the few extra seconds it takes for him to walk around the car to open my door. They don't realize they are taking for granted their parents acting in a loving way toward each other! I feel cherished and connected to my husband all the time, and these little outward acts of courtesy have a remarkable effect on our relationship.
Last night at a parents' meeting at school, my husband sweetly held my hand the entire time. I noticed other parents not doing the same.
We have been at this little experiment in "old-fashioned" manners for more than a year now, and neither of us would ever go back. I realize that the married generations before me understood the value of seemingly meaningless outward gestures. Of course, I am strong enough to open my own doors, but it's not an insult that my husband wants to do it for me. Small gestures go a long way toward reminding us of our constant courtship. -- STILL DATING, KELLER, TEXAS
DEAR STILL DATING: You'll get no argument from me. At the risk of irritating some feminists, I must say that I've never been offended when a gentleman opened a door for me, helped me with my chair or stood when I entered a room. I have always regarded it as a gesture of respect. When a man acknowledges my femininity with an act of chivalry, I always thank him for it.
DEAR ABBY: My parents were married nearly 40 years when my father passed away. About a year later, my mother remarried. A year after she remarried, my father's mother passed away.
At my grandmother's funeral, my uncle referred to my mother as my grandmother's "former daughter-in-law." The same term was used in the obituary submitted by the family.
My mother was hurt by this characterization, as she feels that she was always a good daughter-in-law, and always maintained the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship even after my father passed away. She feels that despite the passing of my father and her subsequent remarriage, she should have nevertheless been referred to as my grandmother's daughter-in-law and NOT "former" daughter-in-law. -- THE FORMER GRANDCHILD
DEAR GRANDCHILD: I'm sure your uncle meant no offense. His reasoning may have been that regardless of how loving your mother's relationship was with her mother-in-law, her remarriage made her a "former" daughter-in-law. From his point of view, it seems perfectly logical.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
TRUTH ABOUT FAMILY DEPRESSION CAN SET YOUNGER MEMBERS FREE
DEAR ABBY: Chills went through my body as I read the letter from "Torn in N.Y." asking if she should tell her children about their father's suicide. I quickly scanned to the bottom to see who had sent it. I was sure it was from someone I knew.
In 1978, my grandfather, with whom I was very close, committed suicide. I was only 4, and to ease the pain my parents told me he had "accidentally" killed himself. I never questioned their word.
One day in second grade, I was riding a bus to school. Another girl asked me if it was my grandfather who had killed himself. I adamantly denied it, but could think of little else the entire day.
When I returned home, my mother said we could talk about it when my dad got home from work. I'll never forget the looks on their faces when I asked if it was true. Yes, it was true, and it broke my heart. I cried for days, unable to understand why my grandfather would have killed himself.
I soon came to understand the depression from which he and many others in his family had suffered. He was not alone in committing suicide. His father, brother and sister had also taken their own lives. My father also battled with depression.
As I reached adolescence, I, too, became depressed. Talking with my family helped alleviate the pain I felt. I urge the mother of those preteens to tell the children the truth. The truth will set them free.
I wish my parents had told me the truth in the beginning. But I am glad I found out when I was young. I pray daily for my extended family members, who also suffer from depression, to seek help and talk with their families about it. As my mother says, "A family is only as sick as its secrets." -- KNOWING IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR KNOWING: Thank you for sharing your firsthand experience. One of the problems with depression is that people often don't realize they have it, and therefore they don't seek help for it. It is not a "weakness." It can be a very serious health problem.
Depression can affect the entire body. The symptoms can include vague physical complaints, including a host of sleep and eating disturbances, coupled with loss of enjoyment in activities formerly pleasurable. It can affect the way people feel about themselves and the way they perceive everyday events. Persistent sadness, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and anxiety, and withdrawal from friends and activities may be signs of depression.
A depressive illness is NOT a passing "blue" mood. While it's normal to feel sad or moody once in a while, if this feeling lasts for more than two weeks, the problem could be depression.
The good news is that between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression can be successfully treated with counseling and/or medication. It is very important to talk with someone to determine if you have depression and where to seek help.
To learn more about depression, its signs and treatment, call your local mental health association or the National Mental Health Association: (800) 969-6642.
Children and teens who are experiencing depression should discuss it with their parents or school nurse.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)